


The Mage and The Templars

by Nyghtlei17



Series: The Mage and The Blight [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Other, Rape, Romance, Spanking, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:39:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 73,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4796351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyghtlei17/pseuds/Nyghtlei17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was punished because she loved a Templar.  He was forced to do the unthinkable to save her.  When she left that life behind she never thought she'd be one of the surviving Grey Wardens.  How will they end the blight?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wrong place, Wrong time

She grew up in the large tower that sat isolated from the rest of Ferelden, right in the middle of Lake Calenhad. Though she was not alone in the Circle, she most certainly felt isolated. She had no idea who she was or where she came from. She had no idea who her parents were and she didn’t know if she was born of the Dalish Elves or if she was born in an alienage to Elven refugee parents. The Dalish used tattoos as a means of preserving their Elven heritage but they did not have them until adulthood. In the Circle of Magi most everyone knew where they came from. They knew their origins and who they were, Kitsune on the other hand was lost. 

Apart from being very bad at Creation spells save for a not-so-helpful Heal spell, she was a natural when it came to her Primal spells. She was especially accurate with her Winter’s Grasp and Earthquake, however from time to time she would ‘slip up’ and freeze one of the Templars standing at a near by doorway. That’s where they always were, the Templars, somewhere they could see everything and be seen by everyone, lest you forget they were there. No mage ever forgot. The Templars weren’t nasty towards them, well not always. They were just intimidating, overbearing, and ready to strike you down as soon as you did something out of line, or became an Abomination. They were mage hunters and none of them in the Circle Tower, isolated from the rest of the world, ever forgot that. 

 

She quickly threw on her robes, combed her silver hair to cover the tips of her pointed ears, and grabbed her staff, never checking the vanity next to her bunk bed. No one had ever slept in the bunk above her but she never touched it just in case a new mage found themselves sleeping there. She walked briskly through the corridors of the tower, past mages and Templars a like. She was late for her Primal studies. Today a Senior Enchanter would be working with her to improve her Fireball spell which was strong but not very accurate. She hoped to skip the warm ups but now that she was late she was sure she would have to do double the warm ups.

She sprinted into the library, her chest heaving and her brow sweating. She stood between the shelves waiting to be scolded by the enchanter but to her delight she too was late. Thank the Maker she is not here yet, she thought to herself. She adjusted her robes and pushed her hair out of her face. She heard footsteps behind her as she wiped sweat from her brow. It was not a Senior Enchanter but the First Enchanter, Irving, himself. “First Enchanter”, she bowed deeply.

“Rise, child”, he said. “I will be overseeing your Primal training today, Wynne is not feeling well.”

“Yes, First Enchanter.” This is not going to go well, she thought.

“Well,” he said from several feet away “Let’s see it.”

She nodded, unaware if he could see her acknowledgement from that far away, he was not as young as he once was. 

Kitsune and the First Enchanter’s relationship was different than the relationship he had with the other mages in the Circle. Many years ago when Kitsune was about 2 years old, the ferryman at the docks of Lake Calenhad, Kester, found her wrapped in a tattered blanket. He said the best thing he could do with the babe was to take her to the First Enchanter. He was after all a kind and gentle man despite his extreme abilities as a mage. That was the day that Irving decided he would care for this child, regardless if she were to be a mage. It just so happened that she was one. Their relationship was one of many reasons the other mages kept their distance. However, her being an elf didn’t help either. 

Kitsune gripped her staff with both hands. They were shaking a bit, she was afraid she might hit him. She inhaled deeply and let the familiar heat gather in her stomach first and then make its way to her hands, then through the center of her staff where it pooled at the top. She exhaled and the enormous fireball went howling through the air but it lost momentum and fell short of her target. 

“Again, Kitsune,” Irving shouted from across the library.

She repeated the spell, over and over. At about her seventh inhale she was beginning to feel lightheaded and she could feel the urge for Lyrium building in her. She shot the fireball but this one was way off. She watched, terrified, as it hurled right out of the doorway, a second later she heard the clattering of metal on the floor. Suddenly she was no longer lightheaded she was, however, embarrassed and fearful that she had hit a Templar. She bolted for the door Irving attempted to call out to her but she couldn’t hear him over the thumping of her own heart. She slid across the stone floor when she tried to stop herself in the hall. The Templar lie there, a clump of metal armour lying sprawled out on the floor. She rushed to his side, “I am so sorry”, she stammered. “I was practicing and I-"

The Templar raised a hand “No…”, he choked “Wrong place, wrong time.” He looked up at her and she could see he was young. Younger than most of the Templars and unfamiliar to her. He had blonde hair and honey eyes, definitely unfamiliar to her. 

“Here,” she held out a hand, “Let me help you up.”

Hesitantly, he took her hand. “Thank you”, he dusted himself off only to notice the big black circle in the middle of his chest. “So much for my new shiny armour”

“I really am sorry. I can polish it if you like.” She was embarrassed at how careless she had been. “I truly am sorry”

“It’s quite alright. I’ll get this cleaned, don’t worry about it.” He looked down at her and she looked away. “What is your name?” 

“Kitsune”, she whispered. Irving had been merciful to her before when one of the mages was upset with her, but she had never done anything like this. 

“I’m Cullen”, he extended his gloved hand. 

She wasn’t sure if she should shake it. It was not particularly common for Templars and mages to even communicate beyond ‘Move along, Mage’ and ‘Yes ser’ let alone shake hands. But she was not about to be even more rude than she had already been. She forced herself to look him in the eyes, suddenly very aware of how much taller he was than her. She was an elf and she was very used to human men (and woman) being taller than her but he was excruciatingly taller than her. She put her small hand in his much larger one and he shook it so firmly she wanted to snatch her hand back.

“See?”, he smiled a very intriguing smile. “No harm done.” Their eyes met for the first time and he immediately released her hand. “I-I should be-”

“Kitsune?”, she jumped at the sound of the First Enchanter.

“First Enchanter”, they both said in unison. Cullen bowed. Kitsune bowed even deeper. 

“Is everything alright?”, Irving asked. 

Cullen snapped up first, Kitsune quickly followed. “Yes, First Enchanter.” Cullen spoke in a low voice that was very different from the tone he just had.. “Everything is fine. The elven mage was just making sure I was not hurt.”  
She cringed at the words ‘elven mage’.

“And are you?” Irving questioned. 

“No, ser”

“Very well, carry on Templar. Come, Kitsune.” It was not a question. She found it hard to will her feet to follow him back into the library. 

She looked behind her to see Cullen still standing there. “I am sorry”, she said one final time. 

He didn’t look at her face. “I told you, I am fine”, there was no trace of that smile. He turned from her and walked down the hall. She started to walk into the library but stopped to watch him walk the length of the hall. Toward the end, she could barely see him hunch over and clutch at his chest.  
She returned to Irving. She did not look him in the face. She was sure she was going to be scolded for her carelessness. She knew better than to try to cast so low on mana. She was very lucky that Cullen had been nice to her. Had it been any other Templar like Knight-Commander Greagoir she would have been lucky to still have both her hands.

“Pay a visit to Owain at the storage room. I want you to gather some items.” Irving seemed uninterested in her misfire. “Return here immediately.”

A smile twitched at the corner of her mouth, “Yes, First Enchanter” As she grabbed the paper from him she had a strange thought as she exited the library. If I hurry maybe I can see him. To thank him for being so kind and understanding. She ran down the hall, hoping his chest hurt enough for him to have to walk slowly. She realized that was a terrible thought but she hoped it nonetheless. She ran down the stairs and through the mage’s quarters, the opposite way to the storage room but she promised herself just a quick thank you and one quick look at him. She saw him as she exited the quarters, he was at the end of the hall. If she could run a little faster she could reach him. 

A fellow mage stepped in front of her just as she was about to take off again. “Whoa! Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

She tried to dart around him but he put his hand on her shoulder. “Jowan,” she protested. “I have to go, I am sorry.” She hated being rude to her only friend in the Tower, she had to get to Cullen. She took off down the hall unaware that she still had Irving’s paper crumpled in her fist. She was within feet of him, she could smell the burning scent that was lingering on him. She wanted to call out to him but thought better of it, she didn’t need to draw attention to herself. She ran past him and stopped directly in front of him. He almost bumped into her. 

“K-Kitsune?”

She bent over, put a hand on each knee and gasped for air. “I…. wanted…” she said between breaths, “to… thank… you” She huffed and huffed but she did not feel her lungs filling. “You… were… so…” She didn’t feel right. The lightheadedness was coming back. She looked up at him but she couldn’t make out his face. Her vision was blurring and she couldn’t get any air. She thought she heard him say something like ‘Are you alright?’ but maybe that was just her hoping he would catch her as she fell.

 

The tower was desolate. All of the candles were out and it seemed to be very late. Yet no one was in the quarters. She got out of bed slowly but she felt nothing out of the normal. Maybe she had fainted and Irving had sent her to bed. But she was not with Irving when she fainted. The sudden and familiar sound of clinking armour was echoing down the hall. Templar armour. She went to the doorway so she could ask where everyone was. Cullen was waiting for her in the doorway. 

“Ser Cullen” she hung her head.

“Kitsune” he said in the tone he had used when he was reassuring her that he was alright. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

“Where-Where is everyone?” she looked around the empty quarters.

“Everyone?”, he asked, puzzled.

She studied his face. She was beginning to feel uneasy. "The other mages and Templars.”

“Oh, them.” He smiled a very odd smile. “They’re all gone. Its just us.”

She furrowed her brow. How was this possible? Where would they have all gone? He must be confused. “They cannot be all gone. They were just here”

Cullen sighed impatiently, “Look, we are alone. What was it that you wanted to say to me?”

Kitsune began to feel the lightheadedness come back. There was definitely something wrong. “I wanted…” What did she want to tell him again? “I wanted to thank you… I think”

“Thank me for…?” he pressed impatiently. 

“I do not know…” Maker’s breath what is wrong with me? 

“Kitsune, now that we’re alone why don’t we talk about what’s really going on?”

She raised an eyebrow at him, “What is going on?”

He smirked, “Don’t think the way you looked at me went unnoticed.”

“What?” she was shocked. Looked at him how?

“I’ve peaked your interest and you want to know more about me.” He said so sure of himself. 

She shook her head. What was going on? Where was everyone? “No I only wanted to thank you. I did not-”

“Liar!”, he hissed.

“I am not lying. Maybe… Maybe I wanted to look at you… but I swear I never-”

“Liar!”, he shouted this time.

“I am not!”

He grabbed both of her wrists and began to shake her violently. “You want me! You want me to want you! You are a mage! An elven mage!” He was screaming now. She realized that they really were alone. She knew no one, Templar or mage, was coming to rescue her. She was helpless without her staff. 

A thought came to her while she was being shaken and screamed at repeatedly. This cannot be real. This is a dream. I am in the Fade. I have to wake up. Wake up! WAKE UP!

“Wake up!”, she screamed into Cullen’s face. But it was no longer his face. It was a Desire Demon. With her grey skin, yellow eyes, and dark, sickly twisted horns. 

 

She sat up immediately and gasped for air. Her head was pounding and she could feel something dripping from her mouth. She wiped at it nervously and studied her hand. Blue liquid smeared across her fingers when she wiped the corner of her mouth. Lyrium potion. She was still panting when she heard footsteps drawing closer. She looked around for her staff, it was nowhere to be found. The chamber doors opened slowly and to her relief it was First Enchanter Irving. 

“You are alright, child” He said in his baritone voice. 

“First Enchanter” she sighed. “I… what happened?” 

“You collapsed in the mage quarters. In front of Templar Cullen.”

She closed her eyes and thought better then to ask of Cullen. “I am sorry, First Enchanter. I disobeyed your orders. I just…” she let her sentence drag hoping he would interject. 

He smiled a very familiar smile. “It’s alright Kitsune. I know you better than to think you’d do something you didn’t believe was necessary.” 

“Shall I go back to the Apprentice quarters now?”

“I think it best you stay here tonight.” His words were final. 

She nodded and laid her head back on the pillows. “Thank you, First Enchanter.” Whether he said something or not she did not know, she fell back into the Fade but this time there was just her and the Fireball spell.

 

Days past and Kitsune was improving her Fireball spell. Her accuracy was next to perfect. She still thought of Cullen. In fact she thought of him lying flat on his back every time she cast the spell. At night she rubbed the palm of the hand he shook before she fell asleep and drifted into the Fade. During meals she would watch him. The Templars sat a few banquet tables away but she could see him perfectly. She would watch him laugh and smile along with his fellow Templars. Once or twice she could’ve sworn he was looking at her but when their eyes met for a brief second he was always looking at something else. 

One night at dinner, Jowan noticed her staring at the Templar’s table intently. “What’s got your fancy, Kitsune?” he chided her. “You’ve been staring at the Templar table all evening. You haven’t even touched your food.”

“Oh,” she looked down at her plate. It still had everything in place. “I am not hungry.”

He sighed. “Look, you can’t be worried about your Harrowing every day. I mean if it bothers you that much you could always ask to be made Tranquil.” 

She was hardly listening to her friend until the last word, “Tranquil?” She wasn’t even thinking about her Harrowing let alone being made Tranquil. “I am no coward, Jowan” She was frustrated now. She grabbed her plate and tossed it in the bin they put all of their dirty dishes in. She could feel eyes watching her back as she left the hall. She knew it was Jowan but she hopped it to be the Templar. She walked down the hall, her intentions were to go to her quarters but she found herself standing in the hall that led to the library. What is wrong with me? Do I actually desire him? She remembered how strong his leather handshake had been and she sighed. This cannot be happening to me. Maybe that demon was right. She shook the thought away, No! That is not true. He was just nice to me, that is all. Nothing more. 

She hadn’t heard the clinking of his armour but she felt it when she turned to leave and ran into the wall that was his steel breastplate. She stumbled back, he grabbed her hand before she fell. “Careful”, he chuckled. She looked at the hand that was holding hers, the familiar hand. “Ar-Are you alright?”

She looked up to see honey eyes staring into her grey ones. She immediately looked away. “I-I am fine, thank you.” She could feel her cheeks begin to blush. “Excuse me.” She went to leave but he still had her hand. 

“I never got the ch-chance to see if you were okay” He was stuttering and tripping over his words. “You know when you f-fainted” 

On the inside she smiled but on the surface she kept her face as solid as possible. “Yes, I am just fine.” She winced at how cold her words sounded. 

“That’s good t-to hear” He sounded unsure of what to say next. “You were completely spent” he laughed nervously. “You needed Mana badly. I caught you be-before you fell.”

“Thank you”, she whispered to his breastplate but she didn’t know if he heard her. 

“Luckily us Templars always carry Lyrium.” He turned his head to clear his throat. “But I’m sure you already knew that.”

She forced herself to study his face. She made up her mind this would be the last time she spoke to him. She didn’t want the demons to come after her again. “Ser Cullen” he jumped at her words. “My hand.”

He looked puzzled at first then he quickly dropped her hand. “Oh, apologies”

She stared at his honey eyes, drinking in every last bit of them. “Thank you for helping me the other day.” She bowed to him and made her way down the hall. This time she knew it was his eyes that she felt on her back.


	2. Abomination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is loose in the Tower.

The next week she practiced her lightning spells.  She couldn’t bare to cast any Fireballs, thankfully Senior Enchanter Wynne did not ask that of her.  She ate her meals with Jowan and listened to him talk about a girl he met while she made a great effort to keep her eyes at her own table.  She kept busy and made sure to stay away from the library.  She walked the halls like everyone else and kept her eyes down whenever she heard the clinking of a nearby Templar.  

At night she lie in her bed staring up at the empty top bunk in the darkness.  She closed her eyes but every time she did she saw those honey eyes.  She felt her eyes begin to burn with tears.  Please, she begged the Maker.  Please make it stop.  She cried herself to sleep, drifting into the Fade.  

She awoke to someone shaking her.  It was Jowan.  “What is it, Jowan?”  she blinked in the morning light.  

His voice was shaking as he spoke, “There’s an Abomination loose in the Tower!”

She didn’t speak.  She just listened and tried to collect her thoughts.

“It got out of the Harrowing chambers, it took down the Knight-Commander and the First Enchanter.”

She still couldn’t speak.  If an Abomination was strong enough to incapacitate the Knight-Commander of the Templars and the First Enchanter… they didn’t stand a chance.

“Hurry Kitsune we have to hide.  The storage room should be safe.”  Jowan pulled her to her feet.  She quickly pulled her robes on and grabbed her staff.  They made their way through the crowded halls and up the even more crowded stairs (which were very difficult to traverse due to the opposite flow of terrified mages).  They finally made it to the storage room.  Jowan opened a hidden door only the Tranquil that worked there were supposed to know about.  “Come Kitsune, you first.”  He nudged her back but she wouldn’t budge.

She couldn’t move.  She was staring down the hall  towards the library.  Cullen was always near there in the mornings.  He probably had never seen an Abomination, he could be hurt or… worse.  She had to see.  She needed to know if he was in the library.  She could easily pretend he didn’t exist but she still wanted him to do just that, exist.  “Jowan, I have to go.”

“What?!”, he said incredulously.  “Have you gone mad?”

“Just hide here.” She pushed her friend into the door.  “I’ll come back.”  She shut it before he could protest.  

She grabbed her staff with both hands and inhaled deeply.  I have to do this, she told herself.  She would never forgive herself if she didn’t.  She ran straight for the library, not letting the knot in her stomach stop her from running as fast as she could.    
She poked her head in the library to get a good look.  It was completely silent, nothing was moving.  She crept in, careful to keep her guard up.  She had Winter’s Grasp already building in her gut.  Kitsune stopped walking when she heard books tumble to the floor.  The frost spell worked its way up her staff and pooled at the top.  She leaned against some nearby shelves and held her breath.  As she went to look on the other side of the bookshelf something cold moved across her stomach then a large leather hand covered her mouth.

Her screams were muffled by the hand.  She looked down to see a longsword holding her in place against what she knew was armour stabbing her in the back.  She whirled around to see intense honey eyes staring back at her.  She breathed a sigh of  relief into the hand, the relief was short lived.  

_Don’t move_ , he mouthed to her. _Don’t make a sound.  Do you understand?_  

She nodded eagerly.  He released her slowly. She could feel herself smiling but wasn’t sure if it was showing on the surface.  Cullen pushed her away from the edge of the bookshelves and stood there himself.  He raised his longsword to use like a mirror.  What he saw in the reflection she did not know but she figured it to be the Abomination.  Without looking away from the reflection he grabbed her by the front of her robes and pulled her in front of him.  She watched the Abomination slither in and out of the spaces between the bookshelves.  It was getting closer and it’s power was so strong she could sense it growing the closer it got to her.

Her head began to throb the closer the demon got.  “Mages fall into the Fade and never return.” she heard a cold voice hiss.  “Mages who desire.  Mages who are angry.  Mages who are weak”  The whispers seemed to pass through her and rumble in her chest.  She felt her knees buckle and she swayed against Cullen’s chest.  He steadied her with a hand on her shoulder.

“Kitsune”, he whispered.  “You have to fight it.”

His words were not reaching her.  She heard them, she just didn’t trust them.  “No”, she said loudly.  She turned from him and shoved him against the shelves with her staff, knocking some of the books from their places.  “You are not real.  I do not desire you.”

“Kitsune! Listen to me, please!” His words were wasted on her.  

“I am just the elven mage!  I am nothing to you!”, she screamed in his face.  Mages who desire.  Mages who are angry.  Mages who are weak.  The words repeated in her head over and over.  No, please not this again.  She covered her ears and sank to her knees in front of the Templar.  “I have to wake up.  Wake up.  Wake up.”  She chanted it over and over.  I am weak.  

“Maker’s breath”,  he huffed. “ Get up!  We have to go.  Now!”  He pulled her up by her arm and forced her to run with him out of the library.  

She scratched his hand that gripped her arm.  She felt the flesh tearing under her nails, she dug deeper.  “Let me go!  Let me go!”  She pulled away from him before he could drag her further along.  They got to the doorway, froze in their tracks.

He squeezes her arm so tight she thought it might break.  “Close your eyes!”, he barked at her.  

She didn’t listen.  She stared directly into the dark hollows of the Abominations eyes.  She could feel her thoughts becoming more tangled than they already were.  She couldn’t form a coherent thought.  She watched helplessly frozen as the Templar holding her arm was flung across the room by a magic that far surpassed her own.  He cried out in pain when he slammed into the shelves behind her.  Something deep inside her mind began to stir.  It was the same feeling she had when she told Jowan she would not hide.  The same feeling that pulled her out of the Fade when the Desire Demon had her in its grasp.  

She didn’t realize she was clutching her oakwood staff with both of her hands and instinct had made her prepare Winter’s Grasp once again.  The Abomination reached out a disgusting, mangled hand.  She exhaled and allowed ice to spray from her staff.  The Abomination was frozen, for now.  Whatever hold it had on her was gone.  She ran to the pile of books that the Templar lie under.  “Cullen”, she shouted.  “Cullen, please get up.”  She shook him repeatedly but he would not respond.  She gathered a healing spell deep within herself.  She wasn’t very good at it but she had to try something, the ice was beginning to melt.  

A warm white light surrounded his body and he began to stir.  He smiled weakly at her, “Kitsune”  His smile quickly faded and was replaced with a look of horror.  She cried out in pain.  She lost control of her body as  lightning trembled through her.  She dropped her staff and her entire body seized.  Her vision went black as she fell.  

There was no Fade.  There was nothing but darkness.  There were no sounds, nothing.  She thought she was dead.  But if she were dead she should be in the Fade.  She was in nothingness.  She could feel something.  Something warm.  It felt nice, she never wanted it to go away.  It was so comforting here in the darkness.  She was walking, but unsure if she was actually going anywhere.  She couldn’t remember why she was here.  She didn’t know where here was.  The comforting warmth was getting warmer.  She wanted to get closer.  She saw a faint light in the distance.  Or maybe it was in front of her and it was just very tiny.  Kitsune held out her hand, it grew larger and larger getting warmer and warmer until…

She opened her eyes slowly.  The light here was much too bright.  A stark contrast to the darkness she was just in.  The ceiling here looked familiar but she was unsure.  She tried to move her head and to her dismay she could not.  A blurry face hovered over her, she recognized it as came into focus.  “Senior Enchant-” her voice caught in her throat.  She tried to clear it but her voice would not return.  

“Rest, child.” said Senior Enchanter Wynne.  “You are alright, now.”

Kitsune inhaled deeply.  That was good news wasn’t it?  But wait exactly was wrong with her?

As if reading her mind Wynne answered her question.  “The Abomination electrocuted you.  You’ve been comatose for almost a week.”

A week?  How could she have been asleep for that long.  

“I healed you every day until you woke up”, she brushed a few stray silver hairs out of Kitsune’s face.  “You were foolish to try to fight the Abomination that incapacitated the First Enchanter and the Knight-Commander.  Brave”, she added.  “But mostly foolish.  You and that young Templar, thinking you could take on such a monster.”

“Cul...len”, Kitsune managed to say.  How could she forget him.  She ran back to the library to find him… and the horrible things she said to him.  She searched Wynne’s eyes for the answer.  

“Templar Cullen fought off the Abomination as best he could”, she sighed.  “He sustained a few injuries but he managed to get you and himself to the Dining Hall.  He asked me to help you…”

The older woman trailed off, her eyes growing dark.  

“He collapsed and he also is comatose”, she looked to some place that she could not see, she assumed that’s where he was lying.  “You need rest, Kitsune.  You are not strong enough yet.”  Gently, Wynne fluffed her pillows.  

She lie there for a while, staring at the ceiling in the infirmary.  There were still so many questions she just wasn’t able to ask them just yet.  She closed her eyes and paid a much needed visit to the Fade.    

She awoke to the morning light shining through a window.  She tried moving a bit.  Her toes wiggled and she could make a fist, a weak one but it was an improvement.  She sat up slowly, feeling every bit of lying stiff for a week.  Stretching her limbs she prepared herself for standing.  She made it out of the bed just fine but her legs were weak, she willed herself to walk.  The direction that Wynne had looked, she looked for him there.  She saw a body lying on a bed identical to hers.  Slowly approaching the person lying so very still she braced herself, unknowing what she would see.  

Unkempt blonde hair, pale skin, strong jaw, and a wound that went from his cheek to his top lip.  If she hadn't have been so weak, if she could've resisted the demon, Cullen would be awake.  He would be with his Templar brothers, not here lying comatose in the infirmary.  She stood over him for a time, she lost track of time.  She had started crying at some point, silently pleading for him to wake up.  “I am sorry, Cullen”, she whispered.  She put a hand out to touch him but snatched it back.  Her hand hovered in front of her for awhile, debating with herself whether or not she should touch him.  

She put a small hand on his forehead and pushed his hair back from his face.  He felt cold beneath her hand.  His hair was soft between her fingers.  The tears began to well in her eyes again, they fell from her and landed on his cheek.  Quickly, she wiped her eyes with the back of her free hand never losing contact with his skin and hair.  She wanted him to open those honey eyes, she wanted to look at him again, she wanted to say how foolish she had been.  Reluctantly, she returned to her bed.  Staring at the ceiling, she asked the Maker why it was her that was awake and not him.

The young Templar remained in comatose for many weeks to follow.  Kitsune visited him every day.  She sat by his side and ran her fingers through his blonde hair which had grown quite a bit.  She prayed to the Maker to let him wake soon, he was losing weight rapidly.  He no longer looked like the strong, healthy Templar she had hit with her Fireball weeks before.  Kitsune herself hardly ate, whenever she did it tasted of dirt and ashes.  Jowan had lost his patience with her after she had ignored him and made every excuse to be alone. Now he never spoke to her.  She heard the whispers of mages and Templars alike.  They accused her of having an unhealthy obsession with a Templar.  Something that was more than frowned upon by the Chantry and the Circle.  The only peace she found was in her studies.  She asked Wynne to help her with her Creation spells.  Maybe if she would’ve been strong enough to heal him, he would be awake.     

She heard the infirmary door creak open, she snatched her hand away from Cullen’s head.  Wynne was right on time with his healing.  “Kitsune?”,  Wynne called. “Why don’t you help me today?”

Her heart jumped, help with a healing?  Her?  Was she honestly ready for that.  “Yes, Senior Enchanter”, was all she said.  She went to retrieve her staff from the corner by the door.  

“Here.”  Wynne handed her a vein of pure blue Lyrium and a small box.  She opened it to find a syringe and many other tools.  Tools that allowed the Templars to melt and inject pure Lyrium into their veins.  She took it with unsteady hands.  Kitsune melted the Lyrium vein over a flame from her hand and prepared the syringe.  She injected it into a large vein in the crease of his elbow.  His arm glowed an unrealistic color of blue.  “Now the healing, child”, Wynne said.

She nodded and held her staff firmly.  The heat began to build in her and she watched as the bright white light surrounded his body.  She knew this spell had much more power behind it than the one she performed in the library all those weeks ago.  

She slumped back into the chair she had next to his bed.  “He is never going to wake up is he Wynne?”  She had never spoke so casually to a Senior Enchanter before, but either Wynne didn’t notice or she ignored it.  

Wynne placed a hand on her shoulder.  “I… I don’t know, Kitsune.”  She sighed deeply and softly said, “But I think it best you let him go.”  

She didn’t hide the tears that flowed from her face.  She looked up at Wynne, not with anger but sheer terror in her grey eyes.  “I… I can’t.  This is all my fault…”  Letting Wynne pull her close to her she cried loudly into the older woman’s robes.

“‘Tis but the Lyrium keeping him in this world now, child”, she whispered as she rubbed the top of her silver hair.  “I will leave you.”  Wynne left the infirmary quietly, locking the door behind her.  

Kitsune wiped away the tears and studied Cullen’s meek face.  It was nothing like the one she longed to see, this would do.  She leaned close to his face, investigating every line and every freckle on his face committing it to memory.  I won’t say goodbye, she thought.  I will see you again in the Fade.  Just once she wanted to know what it felt like.  Knowing the door was locked, she brushed her lips against his cold and unmoving ones.  She ran her slender hand through his disheveled hair one last time.  Without looking back she left the infirmary never intending to return as long as he remained there.  

 

As hard as it was she didn’t ask Wynne about Cullen’s condition.  The Knight-Commander wanted to keep him in this world until the Maker was ready for him to join his ancestors in the Fade.  Kitsune didn’t visit him, she didn’t ask, she willed herself to eat, to forget, to move on.  

“You are doing well, Kitsune”, Wynne said approvingly.  “You will make a fine Healer.”

She smiled for the first time since the Abomination.  She had finally learned what happened to it.  The other Senior Enchanters and a few Templar Commanders managed to destroy it.   Cullen had wounded it but he chose to get her to safety instead of destroying the demon.  “Thank you, Senior Enchanter” she bowed and felt the smile fade away.  

“The First Enchanter wants to see you in his quarters”, Wynne said.

She nodded her response and made her way to Irving’s quarters.  The walk from the library to the First Enchanter’s quarters was a long one.  She despised the walk as it only gave the other mages and Templars the opportunity to point and whisper.  She thought of casting a devastating Earthquake spell and knocking them all flat on their backs.  

“She was almost turned into an Abomination”, she heard some younger mages whispering in the hall.

“They say she only survived because she used Blood Magic on Cullen, traded his life for her own”, she heard Templars whisper on the stairs.  She ignored them, concentrating on walking to Irving’s quarters.  

She opened the large door quickly and turned to push it shut.  “You wanted to see me First Enchanter?” she asked with her back to him.  

“No, I summoned you”, said a cold and familiar voice.  The Knight-Commander Greagoir stood in his armour, greatsword on his back..

She bowed, “Knight-Commander”

He gestured for her to sit down at a table in the center of the room.  “I wanted to ask you a few questions.”  

She sat in a chair that was so soft she sunk in it.  “Yes, Knight-Commander.”

He sat across from her, his large build and grim face making her sink further into the chair.  “You were with my Templar when he was attacked, correct?”

“Yes, ser”, she squeaked.  “I was.”

Greagoir propped his elbows on the table and folded his hands, one on top of the other.  “You fell under that Abominations spell, yes?”

She nodded.  His tone made her afraid to speak.  

“Speak, elf!” he shouted at her.  

She jumped, “Yes, ser”  He was making her relive the words of the demon.  Mages who desire.  Mages who are angry.  Mages who are weak.  Her hands began to shake.  “Yes, I-I was weak”

The Templar smirked, “Shame it wasn’t you”, he mumbled.

She looked him in the face for the first time since she had been in this room.  

“Shame you weren’t the Abomination.  Weak mages like you are already demons”, he spat the words in her face.  “When your Harrowing comes, I will be the one to strike you down.”

“I tried to save him”, she said to the table.  “I did.”

His smug expression twisted into a horrible one.  “Save him?!”, he exclaimed.  “You are the reason he is still in comatose!  You were weak!  You let that demon control you!”

She was about to scream at him.  She was going to say a number of things to him and risk him striking her down right there.  But the sound of the door bursting open stopped her.  

“Knight-Commander!” a Templar huffed, out of breath but still managing to find his words.  “It’s Cullen, ser”  Kitsune stared at him wide eyed and her lips slightly quivering.  “He’s awake.”

She had stayed in the First Enchanter’s quarters while the Knight-Commander and the Templar rushed down the stairs to the infirmary.  Her heart was pounding as she paced the length of the room.  He was alive.  She felt a weight lift from her.  He was alive but, that didn’t mean she could see him.  It hurt her to think that but it was the truth.  It had been almost two months since she had heard his voice, since she had seen his honey eyes.  What did she want from him?  What did she want from herself?  She sank back into the chair that was much too soft and closed her eyes.


	3. Is This Love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe someday.

Kitsune crawled into her bed and pulled the thick blanket up to her neck.  She had skipped supper, she couldn’t eat.  She wanted to dream, she wanted to sleep.  Happiness found her in the Fade.  It didn’t matter if it was short lived, it was better than being awake and in pain.  She shut her eyes tight, freeing the hot droplets from the rim of her eyes.  All I want is to forget.  

There was a hand touching her, shaking her fiercely.  She shrugged it off and rolled onto her side.  “Kitsune,” she heard her name and grumbled something.  “Kitsune”

Angry, she rolled over to see Wynne.  “Wynne?” she said sleepily.  It was dark in the quarters.  It must’ve been very late.  “What is it?”

The woman put a single finger to her lips and tossed Kitsune’s robes onto her chest.  Quietly she slipped on her robes and combed her fingers through her hair making sure to cover the points of her ears.  Wynne lead her through the maze of sleeping mages.  Neither of them spoke as they walked through the halls, sneaking past the pacing Templars.  They came to the door to the infirmary.  Suddenly, she knew what Wynne was up to.  

Kitsune tried to protest, she didn’t want to go in.  She knew who was on the other side of the door and she didn’t want to put herself through the torture of seeing him.  “No”, she whispered as Wynne opened the door.  “I do not want…”  She stopped talking when the old woman shoved her in the tiny crack of the door and shut it quickly behind her.  It was dark, no candles, no lanterns.  She could barely see in front of her, she put her hands up to try and feel her way through the room.  She stopped abruptly when she felt warm skin on the palms of her hands.  

Neither of them moved, nor spoke.  She kept her hands on his chest, she could feel the bones through his skin, the pulse of his heart.  Large warm hands grabbed hers and pulled her into the chest.  She breathed in his smell and she could feel him bury his nose in her silver hair and inhale deeply.  She trembled against him, he tightened his arms around her slender frame.  “You’re shaking”, he said, muffled by her hair.  The sound of his voice made her heart skip.  He moved a hand up her back, her neck, and rested it on the back of her head.  

She wanted to see him.  She freed a hand and held it out, letting a little bit of warmth gather there, a small flame poked from her hand.  Either the shadows were cruel or his face was really that slender and pale.  He was no longer the strong jawed, tan, Templar she had remembered.  She reached with her other hand to stroke the scar that went from his cheek to his lips.  He leaned his face into her hand, she could feel the stubble of his beard on her palm.  Words wouldn’t come to her.  She didn’t want to say anything, she just wanted to stare at him.  She wanted to study his honey eyes and make sure she wasn’t in the Fade.  

With the arm that was still wrapped around her he pulled her up to him, her feet leaving the ground.  She looked away from him as he studied her face.  “Are you alright?” he asked her.  She managed a nod but nothing more.  A thousand things came to her mind.  She wanted to tell him how long she dreamt of this, how long she had wanted to see him with open eyes but all that seemed silly now.  

He set her back on the ground and smiled faintly at her.  She remembered the last time she had seen him.  So still and frail, lying on that bed.  How she brushed her lips against his.  She wanted that now, to kiss warm and responsive lips not cold and unmoving ones.  He closed her hand, extinguishing the small flame.  She could only see the outline of his face in the darkness, the tip of his nose and the bow of his lips.  He moved a hand to her face, cradling it.  It was so comforting in the night, she welcomed his calloused hand on her cheek.  She felt an uncontrollable sob pulling her to the floor but he kept her against him.  

The only sounds she managed was sniffling and gasping as her tears collected on her face and his hand.  “I…” she choked.  “I thought you would never…”

Cullen pushed her wet face into his chest.  “I didn’t think I would either.”  He tilted her chin upwards, they were so close she could almost see his eyes.  He pressed his prominent nose to her tiny one.  

“I tried to save you”, she breathed onto his lips and she felt the heat of her breath trapped between them.  “The horrible things I said to you…”  Her eyes were closed, remembering how she shoved him against the bookshelves.  “I am sorry”

His breath tickled her lips when he spoke.  “I know”, he cooed.  She put her hands at his hips and slowly ran her hands up his sides, feeling him and reassuring herself that he truly stood there in front of her.  He shivered as she passed over his ribs, ribs she could feel poking through the skin.  She found her hands wrapped around the back of his neck.  

“Cullen”, she whispered.  “We cannot.”

He huffed and let his hands drop to his sides.   “I know”

“You are a Templar…” Reluctantly she pulled her hands down.  

“I-I know.”

“I am a mage… and an elf.”  She hated admitting the truth.  

“I know”, he hissed.  “I know!”

She flinched in the darkness.  “I should go”, she turned to leave but felt his hand pull her waist.  The back of her head bumped against his chest.  

“Don’t”, he said.  His breath was hot on the tip of her ear.  He moved her hair to expose it.  “Please stay”, he begged while tracing the outline of her ear with his finger.  It sent a strange feeling down her neck and right into her stomach.  

Kitsune turned around and steadied his face with both her hands.  She stood on her toes to reach his mouth.  She pressed her lips to his.  They were warm and dry but it didn’t matter.  He leaned into her, she felt the stubble of his beard poking her chin.  She dropped her hands and pulled away from him.  Guilt rose up to her throat but was quickly replaced with an unfamiliar feeling.   He stepped away from her and grabbed something she couldn’t see.  He handed it to her, a candle.  She lit it with her magic and he set it on a small table next to the bed.  He sat down and ran a visibly shaky hand through his blonde hair.  

She sat down next to him.  She stared at the floor waiting for him to speak.  He never did.  He simply pulled her down to the pillows with him and held her against his chest.  She was too tired to protest or maybe too happy.  She knew she should get back to her quarters but she wanted to stay here with him.  Licking her lips and tasting him one more time, she began to drift.  

The smell of food coaxed her out of her sleep.  She squinted at a bowl of porridge sitting on a small table.  Looking around the infirmary she remembered why she was there, she didn’t see him.  Her hunger overtook her, she ate the porridge.  She barely noticed the infirmary door opening and closing.  

“That was mine you know”,  he said.  She looked up at him and realized how dreadful she must look.  Her hair was tangled on top of her head, her cheeks filled with warm porridge, and her pointed ears were sticking out, not covered by her silver hair.  

She swallowed the food in her mouth, “Sorry”, she said as she handed the mostly empty bowl to him.  

He smiled, “That’s alright I’ll just eat yours”, he said gesturing to the smaller bowl of porridge in his hand.  “I couldn't very well carry two bowls, I didn’t want anyone questioning me. S-so I had to pretend to go back for seconds.”  He sat next to her, it was now in the light of dawn that she saw his body.  He had a scar on his neck and few small ones on the back of his hand.  She remembered digging her nails into him as he dragged her out of the library.  

She remained silent as he ate his food like he had never eaten before.  “Cullen?”, she started to say as he set the empty bowl on the table.  “In the library… with the… Abomination…”

He looked at her, watching her fumble with her hair as she tried to cover her ears.  “It electrocuted you and you passed out.” This wasn’t what she wanted to hear but she thought it best not to interrupt him.  “I managed to stab it.  It hardly did a thing but it gave me enough time to grab you and run.” He stopped for a moment, then continued, “It tried to pull me back.  I didn’t get very far before it slashed me across the face.  I stabbed it again, that time I got away.  I carried you to the dining hall and found Wynne.  That’s… all I remember”

Something didn’t add up.  Why would a slash across the face make him fall into comatose for almost two months.  “Cullen”, she touched his wrist, “what happened to you?”

He looked away from her, “What does it matter?  I’m fine now”

She pressed him further.  “What happened to you?”

“It wasn’t me it was happening to”, he said softly.  “It was trying to turn you into an... Abomination.”

She sat frozen with her hand still on his wrist, “W-What?”

“He started to enter… your body… I couldn’t stop him.  It was you but it wasn’t you.”

“What was not me, Cullen?”, she moved her hand away from him.  

“He was controlling you”, he said softly.  “He made you attack me.”  Her heart dropped to a pit somewhere in her stomach as he spoke.  “You grabbed my sword and swung it at me and sliced my face.”  He paused to look at her.  She knew she had a look of terror on her face.  “It wasn’t you.”

“I-I know that”, she reached out to touch the scar on his face.  “I wish I had not have been so weak.  This would have never happened to you.”

“It’s not as bad as what I did to you” he pulled her hand away from his face.  “I had to use Holy Smite…”

The Templars had their powers, she knew that.  They took Lyrium to gain them, that’s how they kept the mages in line.  But Holy Smite?  That was only used when there were no other options and for a new Templar to use such power should’ve killed him.  “That is why you were in comatose…”, she said.  

He nodded.  “I got you to Wynne but that must have been adrenaline.”

“You did the right thing, Cullen”, she tried to reassure him.

He made a sound almost like a laugh but violent.  “So I’ve been told.”

Wynne came back to the infirmary shortly after their conversation to help Kitsune sneak back to her quarters.  She ruffled his shaggy blonde hair letting her hand fall to his face where rested it on his scar.  He placed a large hand over hers.  She forced herself to pull away from him.    
  
Kitsune didn’t return to the infirmary.  Wynne told her during her practices of Cullen’s recovery, he had put on almost all of his original weight in two weeks and was already back on his rounds.  She watched him in the dining hall and he watched her.  It was much too risky to be seen together so they stayed apart.  One night at dinner, Kitsune looked to Wynne who sat across from her at the emptying banquet table.  “Senior Enchanter”, she said pushing some overcooked vegetables around on her plate.  “Why are you helping me and…” she looked around the dining hall.  “Him?”

Wynne chewed her food before answering, “You cannot help who you love”, she said.

Love?  She didn’t love him… did she?  Certainly he didn’t love her… right?  She brushed loose silver tendrils away from her plate and left the conversation at that.  

The next morning Kitsune found herself running errands for the First Enchanter.  She got a few things from the Tranquil, Owain at the storage room.  She delivered papers to Senior Enchanters and Templar Commanders.  “Sit down child”, he said to her as she returned from her final delivery.  She sat in the chair he gestured to.  “Wynne tells me that your practices are going wonderfully”, he said.  

She heard a disgusting snorting sound and looked up at the Knight-Commander who was standing in the shadows of the room.  “Yes, ser.”

“I think it is time you had your Harrowing”, said Irving.

She made no sounds.  She wasn’t scared or upset she was actually happy she could finally get it out of the way.  

“You have two days to prepare yourself.  It will take place at dawn”, he smiled his wrinkled smile at her.  “Also, you may request a Templar to oversee your Harrowing.  If you choose no one then it will be Ser Greagoir.”

She could hear Greagoir shift his weight in his armour.   When your Harrowing comes, I will be the one to strike you down.  She shivered as she remembered his words  Kitsune bowed quietly out of the room.  Once she was on the other side of the door, she exhaled the breath she had been holding.  She had to find Cullen.

She checked the library, the apprentice quarters, the storage room, the dining room, she even stopped at the infirmary and asked Wynne if she had seen him.  Nothing.  The Circle was big but it wasn't that big.  He had to be somewhere.  She rechecked each place hoping she had just missed him, still nothing.  Frustrated she went to her quarters and sat on her bed.  Maker's breath where was he?  A few hours passed and it was time for supper.  She made her way to the dining hall, she was almost twenty minutes late for her meal but she enjoyed the empty hall.  She passed by the Grand Doors as she made her way, that's when she heard his voice.  

"Yes, ser", he said to one of his commanders.  She hid in a dimly lit corner of the wall when she heard him coming her way.  She pulled him to her when he stepped in front of her.  "Whoa!", he said as he was pulled into the corner.  "W-What are you doing?"

She didn't speak for fear the nearby officers would hear her.  She took his leather hand in hers and slipped into a small room.  He shut the door behind him and locked it.  He looked at her with a stern look on his face.  A 'you better have a good reason for that' face.  "My Harrowing is in two days", she said to the wooden floor.  

He didn't move but the lines in his face smoothed.  "Kitsune... I-"

She held up her hand to silence him.  "Greagoir wants to kill me if... if I become an Abomination.  I know that is the way things work but", she swallowed the knot in her throat.  "He wants nothing more than to kill me.  Abomination or not."

Cullen grimaced.  "Kitsune, you won't.  I know you're strong enough."

"And if I am not?", she challenged.  "If I am not then what, Cullen?" Her hands began to shake with anger.  "I do not want to become a monster and kill someone.  I do not want to hurt First Enchanter Irving, or Senior Enchanter Wynne, or... or you."

He let his shoulders sag, "Please don't ask this of me"

She reached out for his hand, he pulled away, she snatched it and held the glove to her face.  "Please, Cullen", she rubbed her face against his hand.  "If I do not come back, if I do not come back as me... I need you to end it."

"I can't."

"It will not be me anymore", she pleaded with him.  

"I won't do it."

She grabbed him by the chin and forced him to look into her eyes, she was startled by tears that began to well in his eyes.  "Please, Cullen.  This is what you are."

He sighed, "Alright", he croaked.  "Alright."

Relief washed over her, she leaned on him, his metal breastplate uncomfortable against her chest.  "Thank you."

"Promise me."  

He didn't have to say what.  She knew.  "I promise."

"How do I know you're not lying?", he held her out by shoulders and searched her face.  "How do I know?"

"Because I would never hurt you", she reached for the scar on his face.  "Never intentionally."  

He pressed his mouth to hers.  He wrapped his arms around her and drew her close.  Eagerly she returned the kiss.  "Come back to me", he said as he pulled away from her.  "Promise me".  She answered him with another kiss.  She parted his lips with hers and accidentally grazed his teeth with her tongue.  Stunned at her own boldness she tried to pull away but he held her in place.  She was overpowered by him easily.  She didn't mind.  His tongue found it's way into her mouth, tickling her.  Her hands acted on their own, sweeping across his armour, his arms, his hair.  

She nibbled on his bottom lip, he growled into her open mouth.  "That hurt", he said in a hoarse voice.  She smiled under him and nibbled again.  He grabbed the back of her neck and she gasped.  "You said you would never hurt me."  His honey eyes stared deep into her.

He moved her head to the side and with his free hand, pushed the silver hair away.  Her ear was exposed, she could feel his breath on it.  The sensation of his mouth on the tip of her ear made her shiver.  The nibbling made her moan.  She reached for his face and directed it back to hers.  "Do not do that", she huffed.  

"Did it hurt?", he asked, a playful tone in his voice.  

She felt the color rise in her cheeks.  "No", she said softly.  

"It's what you are", he repeated back to her, "don't be ashamed."  He ran his gloved hand through her hair.  Exposing both of her ears.  "There.  Much better."

"It does not bother you?", she asked.

He still had the back of her neck cupped in his large hand.  He tilted her head back, making her stare at the ceiling.  His lips touched the base of her neck and she felt her entire body respond to him.  He used his lips, teeth, and tongue to climb her neck all the way up to her ears.  He kissed them both and guided her head back to face him.

"I kissed you while you slept", she said quietly.  

He raised an eyebrow.  

"I... I thought you were going to-"

He kissed her forcefully.  She wrapped her fingers in his hair.  This is not enough, she thought.  She wanted to feel his hands on her skin.  She reached for the leather glove and slipped it off his hand.  He released her neck and removed the other one with his teeth.  She put both her hands in his.  He weaved his fingers around hers.  "How far is this going to go?", she wasn't sure if he actually wanted an answer.  

"Probably too far."

He smiled at her words.  "Is that okay with you?"

“Have you ever…?”, he asked.  

She shook her head.  There was hardly anyone in the Circle that would talk to her other than Jowan.  This never came up, not even a kiss. “You?”

“Yes”, he told her.  “Before I joined the Templars.”  

She blushed at the thought of him doing this with someone else.  She even felt a bit envious of the girl it had been with.  That was another Cullen, she thought.  One that she didn’t know, the one before he was forbidden to her.  “What was her name?”  

He sighed heavily, “Julia.”

“Was she human?” She immediately regretted asking aloud when the space above his nose crinkled.

“Yes.”

“W-was she normal?” she pressed.  

“Normal?” He raised an eyebrow.  

She remained silent and let him make it out on his own.  

Exhaling he said, “She was not a mage if that’s what you mean.”

Julia was everything that she wanted to be, she felt envy build in her.  She shook the feelings away.  What did it matter?  He was here with her now.

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her pointed ear, a reassuring smile on his face.  “Are you scared?”

Truthfully, she was terrified.  At the risk of him stopping, she shook her head.  

He cupped her supple breast with a firm grip, her nails dug into his armour.  He grabbed one of her legs and propped it against his hips.  Her moans escalated when he pressed his pelvis against hers.  As he rocked into her the metal of his armour scraped her skin.  “Cullen”, she gasped.  “Take this off.”  She grabbed a small handful of golden waves as he kissed her before pulling away.  

She helped him unlatch the leather straps under his breastplate.  Her hands shook, making it difficult to remove the guards on his shoulders.  Cullen remained still as she undressed him, watching her with honey eyes.  The last piece of armour fell to the floor with a clink.  

He picked her up by the waist and lifted her onto a table in the corner of the room as if she weighed nothing at all.  She draped her arms around his neck, letting them fall down his back.  The material of his undershirt was soft and slightly damp with sweat.  He stared up at her and not for the first time she noticed how perfect he was.  He cleared everything off the table; scrolls, runes, and vials rolled onto the floor.  He pulled her gently to the edge of the table with her legs dangling off.  He crouched and began pulling her robes up her legs.  Her heart fluttered in her stomach.  Rough and calloused hands rubbed the sensitive skin of her thighs.  A hand brushed across her underwear, making her jump and bite her bottom lip.  

The robes joined the armour on the floor.  She was painfully aware of his eyes trailing every part of her exposed body.  His fingers pinched her erect nipples under her brassiere.  She moaned and squirmed under him.  “Cullen”, she cupped his face in both of her hands.  He leaned close to her face, the tip of his nose touched hers.  His hands slid down the length of her torso, making her arch into his touch.  His hand didn’t stop until it was under the fabric of her underwear.  Cullen kissed her as her eyes fluttered shut.  Their tongues touched and his nose bent against hers.  “Is this okay?”, he asked.  

“Yes”, she responded, breathlessly.  

He slid a finger between her folds.  Her legs twitched when he found her slightly erect clitoris.  He made little circles around it, causing her to moan and pant.  He rubbed it quicker and harder, small mewing noises escaped from her lips.  The faster he rubbed her the louder she cried out.  He covered her mouth with his hand.  “Try to stay quiet”, he whispered to her.  She pressed his hand harder against her mouth.  

She watched him as he pleasured her.  His jaw clenched, his eyes were barely open, and the muscles in his forearm twitched.  She closed her eyes and dug her nails into the back of his hand muffling her cries.  His actions slowed then came to a stop.  He slid her underwear down her legs and onto the floor.  He put his hands on her knees and spread her legs wide.  Exposed and embarrassed, Kitsune blushed.  She stared up at the ceiling and listened to the thumping of her heart in her ears.  The feeling of something wet flicking against her clit made her bite down on her lip so hard she thought she’d drawn blood.  “Cul...len”, she moaned.   

He groaned into her folds at the sound of his own name.  His tongue lapped at her clit, sending jolts of pleasure up her spine.  She tangled her hands in his hair and bucked her hips.  His hands gripped the backs of her thighs and squeezed.  She bit harder on her lip, whimpering from the mix of pleasure and pain.  Her legs were quivering and her eyes rolled back.  A finger entered her soaking entrance, sending her over the edge.  Her body convulsed and the space between her legs clenched and unclenched around his finger as he continued to lick.  Her legs closed involuntarily, his head getting caught between her thighs.  Her hips had risen off the table and lowered back down as she unravelled.  She panted and opened her eyes again as he removed his finger.

He stood up and leaned over her, pressing his lips to hers.  She could taste herself on him.  She felt him grind into her as they kissed.  Her hips moved on their own, welcoming him to all that she had.  A low growl came from his throat as he pulled away.  “Stop me”, he stared into her eyes.  

She touched his nose with hers, “No.”  She reached down and pulled his thin pants to his thighs.  He pulled them down to his ankles and kicked them to the door.  She looked down between them, seeing his nakedness a few inches away from hers.  His erection was large and intimidating.  She had only had his finger inside of her.  Now this?  He put a warm hand on her naked belly.  “Relax, Kitsune.”

She drew in a deep breath and rested against the wall behind her.  She could feel herself dripping onto the table.  He moved his hips closer as she exhaled.  His finger and mouth was nothing compared to this.  It hurt for the first few thrusts, she relaxed and let him guide her along.  She put one hand on his chest and one in his soft blonde hair.  He was gentle with her, holding her, pushing into her softly.  “Cullen”, she moaned into his chest.

The lines in his face were back.  His eyes were glazed over with an emotion she didn’t recognize, seeing through her.  “Say it again”, he said, his voice husky.  He thrust into her harder this time.  She bit her lip to stifle a cry of pleasure.  “Say it”, he demanded as the front of his thighs slapped against the back of hers.  She looked down at where their bodies were connected.  Her flat stomach bulged a bit as he entered her and flattened as he exited.

“Cu...llen”, she whispered into his ear.  She put hand on the bulge in her stomach and felt him poking through stomach and hitting the palm of her hand.  The more he slammed into her, the higher her hand rose over the bulge, and the louder she moaned.  

He covered her mouth again.  “Try to be quiet, love.”

Love.  Is this love?   She hoped it was.  Her breaths quickened under his hand.  The tingling started in her stomach and travelled down to the hot space between her legs.  With each of his thrusts the sensation intensified.  Her back arched, her hips bucked in rhythm with his.   Her head dropped back, she knew the ceiling was above her but she couldn’t see that now.  Just stars and colors she didn’t know the names of.  She moaned her ecstasy into his warm palm.  Her legs shook, squeezing his sides as she unraveled under the shield of his body.  He nipped her neck and growled low in his throat.  His thrusts grew quicker, less rhythmic, less caring, more instinctive.  He removed his hand from her mouth and placed it over his own bulge poking through her skin.

Cullen shuddered into her, moaning into her neck, followed by the warmth of his release inside of her, coating her walls with his pleasure.  Removing his hand from her stomach to push loose strands of blonde hair out of his face, he steadied himself.  She ached as he removed himself from her.  His chest was heaving and his eyes were half open.  Kitsune lie back on the table, her legs were much too weak to support her own weight and she could feel his remnants drip out of her and onto the table.  She closed her eyes and listened to him shuffle around the room, she heard the clinking of his armour.  

A hand on the core of her stomach snapped her back to reality.  She studied him, his face set in way that she hadn’t seen before.  Was it guilt?  Regret?  Disgust?  “Cullen?”

He didn’t smile, his voice was still husky when he spoke.  “I should go.”  She went to place her hand on top of his but he pulled away.  “Wait awhile before you go.”  He left her without another word, shutting the door quietly behind him.  

She hopped off the table, her knees almost giving way.  A loud bang came from the other side of the door, and it shook.  The clinking faded away somewhere down the hall.  She used her underwear to wipe the table and slipped her robes over her head.  She waited for what seemed like five minutes before she exited the small room.  The door shut quietly behind her, she turned to go down the hall.  She saw splintered wood at the top of the door, pieces of wood on the floor.  I should have stopped him.  


	4. Harrowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come back to me.

Wynne helped her prepare for her Harrowing.  They spent the next two days going over every spell in the Primal and Creation schools that she knew.  “You’ll do fine”, Wynne told her with a hand on her shoulder.  

“Thank you, Senior Enchanter”, she said as she bowed and made her way back to her quarters.  In the morning she would be in the Harrowing Chamber.  

She entered the Harrowing Chamber, she watched the eyes of the Knight-Commander and the First Enchanter follow her to the center of the room.  There was a pair of honey eyes missing.  “Kitsune, did you select a Templar to oversee your Harrowing?”, Irving asked.  

“Yes, ser.  I have chosen Templar Cullen.”  

Greagoir snorted, a disgusting sound.  

Irving shot him a look.  

The chamber doors opened.  Cullen walked in, armour clinking, longsword at his side.  He bowed to the First Enchanter and the Knight-Commander before taking his place beside Greagoir.  “Very well”, Irving said.  “Let’s begin.”

A few words were said by Irving and Greagoir.  She didn’t hear them, she was fixated on Cullen.  She stared at his armoured feet and wondered why he wouldn’t look at her.  Why he had told her to stop him.  It wasn’t love.   She swallowed the lump in her throat and put her hand to the raw Lyrium.  She watched it glow on her hands and through the blinding blue light she looked to those honey eyes and thought she saw a single tear drop from them.

The Fade was a cruel place when entered through raw Lyrium she realized.  There were twisted vines and shadows seemed to dart away when she tried to look at them.  She wandered through the twisted vines, passed the shadows and into a place where everything was on fire.  She avoided it for now but made sure to remember where exactly it was.  She walked until she came to a small lump on the ground.  

“Not another one”, it said as she got close.  “They still send you poor things in here.  Unprepared and shaking like newborn pups.”

Kitsune looked closely at the small lump, it was no lump, but a mouse.  “Are you a spirit?” she asked.

“Yes”, the mouse said.  In seconds the mouse was gone, replaced with a man.  A mage.  “You doing your Harrowing, yes?”

She stood stunned for a moment.  She knew some mages could shapeshift but she didn’t see it done often.  “Yes, I am”  

“Nasty Circle, nastier Templars”, he spat.  

“Why are you here?  Did you fail your Harrowing?”

The spirit shrugged, “I’m not sure anymore.  I have been here much too long.  Come along"  

"What should I call you?", she asked him as the walked along a path.  

"Mouse, I suppose", he shrugged again.  

"Where are you taking me, Mouse?"

"To see about getting you a weapon."

After a bit of walking they stopped at a hill.  "Up there you will find a weapon", Mouse told her.  

She studied the hill, there was nothing out of the ordinary about it. She climbed, it was much steeper than she thought.  When she got to the top there was a weapon rack stacked with swords, daggers, but no staves.  She started to call down for Mouse but stopped when she saw a spirit manifest in front of her.  

"Ah! A mage.  Elven too", said the spirit in a loud and boisterous voice.  "Come to look at my wares?"

"Actually, I was hoping you had a staff."  

"Ha!", he laughed.  "If it is a staff you be wantin’ then we must duel"

She couldn't duel him.  She was a mage.  The most she could manage without a staff was Arcane Bolt and even that was weak without one.  "I am not here to duel you, spirit.  I seek help with my Harrowing"  

"Harrowing?  Yes you will need help indeed if you are unarmed while the demon searches for you", he seemed to be thinking deeply about something.  "No duel, no weapon"

She sighed.  "You would rather take advantage of me?  You'd kill me yourself then?"

"Kill you?", he barked.  "I am the Spirit of Valor!  I do not kill unarmed mages"

She extended her hand, "Then help me"

"Yes, you are right", he manifested a long black staff from seemingly no where.  "Good luck, elf."

She bowed to the spirit and made her way back down the hill to Mouse.  "I got a staff", she said to her guide.  

"And you didn't even have to duel him?", he asked, impressed.  "Are you ready?"

Was she ready to fight the demon that hunted her?  No.  But she was ready to get out of the Fade.  Mouse led her back to the area that was covered in flames, the same one she had passed previously.  "He's in there", Mouse pointed to a small opening between the flames.  

Kitsune grasped her staff in both hands and walked in the opening with Mouse close behind her.  The flames made an ominous crackling sound all around them.  She saw something rising from the ground.  It was fire, fire that was growing closer and taller.  A rage demon.  "Harrowing mage", it hissed.  "So easy to control."  

"Stay back demon!", Mouse shouted.  She looked to him and saw that he was no longer a man but a bear.  He launched an attack on the Rage Demon.  While he had it pinned to the ground, tearing at its throat, she cast Cone of Ice on the beast.  With a few slashes from Mouse and a few more spells from herself, the demon was dead.  

Kitsune breathed heavily, "That was too easy", she concluded.

"Or maybe you are just that strong", Mouse was back in his human form.  

No... something wasn't right.  "Have you helped mages before me Mouse?"

"One or two.  One forgets... it's been a very long time"

"Was it this easy for them?"

He chuckled but it sounded wrong, deep and dark, very dark.  "You are a smart one"  his voice was not the same it rumbled in her chest.  "I can get out of here.  You just have to let me in."

Her thoughts were tangled and her breathing rasped in her chest.  "No", she choked.

Mages who are weak.  She could feel herself fading away, just like in the library with the Abomination.  "Just let me in", he said again.

"No!", she covered her ears.  "I will never give in to a demon."  

The demons laughter shook and disturbed her.   

No.  I promised.  I... promised him.  A power rose from deep within her.  "I will not let you out of the Fade", she said between gritted teeth.  She grasped the staff so tight in her hands she thought it might snap.  Her stomach grew warm with a spell.  

"You are weak", the demon said.

She smiled, "I might be... but you are not getting out of here."  She let the lightning shoot from the staff and hit Mouse in the chest.  He fell hard to the ground, unmoving.  

Exhausted, she fell to her knees.  "Wake up, Kitsune.  You have to wake up", she said to herself.  "Wake up."

She awoke to the familiar ceiling of the infirmary.  Her head was throbbing and her stomach churned, she leaned over the side of the bed and vomited on the floor.  She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.  She groaned her displeasure as she stepped over the bile to search for a bucket and rag.  When she finished wiping up the mess she sat back on her heels and wiped the sweat from her brow.  My Harrowing, she thought.  I passed it.  Her head still hurt and her stomach wasn't settled, she climbed back in the bed.  

Wynne walked into the infirmary with a steaming bowl in her hands.  "I thought you might be awake by now", she said setting the bowl on the table beside Kitsune.  "Congratulations, dear."

She smiled weakly and sat up to eat the soup.  "Thank you, Senior Enchanter"  

"Templar Cullen will be here shortly to escort you to your new sleeping quarters", she said as she put the rag and bucket away.  

She nodded and sipped the hot liquid off her spoon.

Cullen arrived as she finished the soup.  "Senior Enchanter", he bowed to Wynne.  She offered him a kind smile, he did not return it.  "Are you ready?"  he asked Kitsune.  

"Yes", she mumbled.  She watched Wynne watching them.  She gave Kitsune the same smile she gave Cullen.  They left the room without any other words.  He walked with perfect posture, she noticed.  Almost as if he was marching.  She walked behind him until they reached the small room they had been in two days before.  She stopped following him and stared at the door.  

He must have heard her stop, she heard his clinking stop and draw closer.  She touched the part of the door that was cracked.  "I should have...", she said to the door.  "I should have stopped you."  Her back was to him but she knew the lines in his face were there.  

"I wish you had", he said putting a large hand over the crack.  "It was my fault.  You cannot be blamed."

"Cullen", she turned to face him. His face was cold and his honey eyes were unwelcoming.  She reached to touch the scar on his face.  

"Don't", it was barely audible.  He caught her wrist before she could touch him.  She raised her other hand but he grabbed that wrist too.  He pushed her against the door, it was rough and it hurt.  "Don't do this"

"Cullen", she said through tear filled eyes.  "Look at me."

He stared into her grey eyes.  "Kitsune, we can't do this."  His words were not soft.  They stabbed her like daggers.  "It cannot happen."

"I know that." The tears rolled down her cheeks.  She squirmed under the grip of his hands on her wrist.  He released her.  He punched the crack in the door, creating a large hole.  She sank to her knees as the splinters fell in her silver hair.  Her body convulsed while she sobbed and rubbed her wrists.  He paced for a moment, biting a leather knuckle.  He crouched in front of her.  He grabbed her hands, taking them gently into his own.  He saw the red marks and cringed.  "I'm sorry", he said to her wrists.  "If someone found out, we would both be killed."

She knew the risks, she tried to pretend she didn't.  He set her hands in her lap and dusted the splinters from her hair.  "If I were not a mage..." she sniffled.  "If you were not a Templar..."

"But we don't live in that world."  She wished that they could.  She wanted to know what it felt like.  To have him love her.  "Please don't cry.  I don't like to see you this way."

"I wish I had failed my Harrowing", she whispered.  

His lip curled up in anger.  She had never seen this face.  "What?!" He all but screamed at her.  "You would've rather me kill you?"

She laughed and it sounded strange in her own ears.  "It would be better than this."

He grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.  "I prayed to the Maker that you would pass your Harrowing."  She saw tears form in his eyes.  "If you failed... I wouldn't have been able to stop you"  He drew in a shaky breath.  "I would've let you kill me.  This world is much too cruel without you in it."

Reluctantly she put her hand on his face.  "We cannot help who we love", she said Wynne's words to the Templar.  "Do not ask me to pretend my feelings do not exist.  I tried that already."

He smirked, "So did I."  He stood up pulling her to her feet with him.  "We have to hide this.  We cannot let anyone find out."

"I know."  She looked around the empty hall.  It was supper time and almost every mage and Templar would be in the dining hall.  Running a finger along the hilt of his sword she asked, “Where can we hide?  You broke the door.”

“I know of a place, come with me.”

Kitsune followed him to the basement door.  A place where mages were not allowed.  He produced a key from a place she didn’t see and unlocked the door.  “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m not sure of any of this”, he said.

She went in first.  It smelled of damp and dust.  A single lit torch hung on the wall, he grabbed it and shut them in, locking the door behind them.  The halls were narrow and long.  She felt that they had been walking forever and until they came to a large door with two suits of armour standing guard.  They made her uneasy, nervous.  This door wasn’t locked, he pushed it open.

There were a few glass vials along the walls.  All of them filled with blood.  “These are the phylacteries?”

He set the torch in a holster on the cobwebbed wall.  “Yes.”

She walked along the shelves, towards the back of the room a faint light began to glow.  She drew closer to it and grew brighter.  The vial in front of her, was hers.  It glowed so bright it lit the room better than the torch by the door.  Her hand shook as she reached for it.  This was what kept her here, locked in this tower, this vial of blood.  She took it from the shelf and cradled it in her hands.  With this any Templar could find her, they could own her.  If she dropped it, she could disappear, with him.  

His hand grabbed the vial from her and he set it back on the shelf.  “It's beautiful.”

She scoffed, “How is that beautiful?”

He grabbed her hands and wrapped them around his waist.  The armour made it impossible for her to touch her own hands.  “Because it’s a part of you”

Maybe it was beautiful.  Maybe it was foolish to destroy it.  “There are not that many.”  Her eyes swept the shelves.  

He breathed into her hair.  “There are not that many apprentice mages.  Once you pass your Harrowing your phylactery is sent to Denerim.”  He led her away from the shelves to the center of the room.  Her vial dimmed but still shone in the nearly dark room.  His lips were on hers before she could say anything further.  His tongue entered her mouth, dancing with hers.  She moaned into him, reaching for the straps under his armour and unlatching each piece, letting them hit the stone floor.  He pulled the robes over her head and arms, letting them fall to a heap on the floor.  Their eyes met, she admired the way the shadows danced across his face, across his scar.  He tucked her hair behind her ears, exposing them to the cold air of the dungeon.  “Stop hiding them.”  His fingers traced their length.  “I want you to stop hiding who you are.”

“Neither of us know who I am”, she said.

“I know who you are”, he said confidently.  “You are Kitsune, an elven mage who grew up in the Circle of Magi.  You are amazing at frost spells but complete rubbish at your fire spells”, they both smiled.  “You’re an orphan raised by the First Enchanter”, he kissed her collarbone.  “Maybe you’re Dalish, maybe you’re not”, he kissed the base of her neck.  “You cry too much.  You try to atone for sins that are not yours”, he kissed her chin.  “You love a foolish Templar”, he kissed her lips.  

“How do you know all of that?”

“Wynne told me.”

“She told you I love a Templar?”  She licked the space between his lips.  

“She didn’t have to”

“Foolish indeed”, she said to him.  “How can I love someone I do not know?”

He shrugged, “What do you want to know?”  He bent down to one knee and kissed her stomach.  

“Everything”, she moaned.  Her naked body shivered as his strong, warm hands gripped her hips, forcing her to lean against his face.  

“I have three siblings”, he said as he spread her folds with his tongue.  He licked her twice.  “Two sisters and a brother.”  His breath was warm against the most sensitive parts of her.  She tangled her fingers in his hair, pressing his face back into her.  He licked her, circling his tongue around the small pebble between her legs.  He pulled away, she growled in protest.  “My last name is Rutherford.”  She pushed the back of his head, he didn’t budge.  He stood up and turned her around pressing their skin together.  He cupped her breasts, “I joined the Templars to prove my worth.”

She tilted her head back to look at him, “To whom?”

“Myself.”

His pleasure pressed against her lower back. “To hunt mages”, she said quietly.  

He grabbed her by her silver hair, “How many have I hunted, Kitsune?”

“None”, she whispered.  

He threw her head forward and forced her legs apart with one foot.  His fingers touched her wet

opening.

She gasped as she felt two of them enter her.  A firm hand on the center of her back forced her to bend, her eyes staring at the floor.  He was rough with her, forcing his fingers deep inside her.  She couldn’t stifle her cries, he didn’t seem to mind.  “How many have I loved?”  She barely heard him over herself.  

“None”, she managed between gasps.  His fingers stopped mid stroke.  Her thighs quivered.  A sharp sting on her bottom shocked her.  She looked back at him to see his hand still in the air.  He spanked her again in the same sore spot.  

“How many?”  He forced a third finger into her.  Pain and pleasure.  The stinging of her behind and the stretching over her hole excited her.  “How many?”  He asked loudly over her moans and heavy breathing.  

She didn’t want to answer, “I…”, she breathed.  

He pulled her up by her hair and spanked her again.  He wrapped his hand around her throat and pressed his fingers deeper into her.  She felt her moans vibrating against his hand.  His fingers were working her, driving her crazy.  Her nails clawed at the hand on her throat and one of his thighs.  She was coming undone again, clenching and unclenching, stars and colors she didn’t know.  “Just you”, he said as she melted into him.  “Only you.”

He removed his fingers and she moaned.  “Cullen”, she turned to face him.  “Is this love?”

He pulled her to the floor with him, he lie on his back as he lifted her by the hips and set her on top of him.  He grinded against her and she could feel every part of his length lying flat between her legs.  “In another world”, he answered, “it’s much more than that.”

Kitsune leaned back, grabbing his length and sliding herself down it until both of their pelvises touched.  His hips rocked her forward, her nails dug into the skin on his chest.   Why is not this world, she thought.  Why did the Maker hate her so.  “Please… tell… me” She moaned as he pushed and pulled her hips, sliding himself inside and out.  “Please… Cullen…”

He sat up, pressing his face to her breasts.  “I can’t” he groaned.  

“Just once”, she begged.

He was being rough again.  His nails were digging into her hips as he moved her body.  The tears escaped from her and dripped on his brow.  He stopped abruptly and stared at her with honey eyes.  He reached a hand to wipe the tears.  “Maybe someday.”  She slapped his hand away and it fell to the stone beneath them.  He picked it up and tried again, she did the same.  The crease above his nose showed his frustration.  He grabbed a fistful of silver hair, his other hand he wrapped around her throat again.  She slapped him across the face but he merely chuckled.  “Was that supposed to hurt?”, he growled.  He released her hair and spanked her in the spot that was still stinging.  

He pulled her hair again, yanking her head back, exposing more of her neck.  The hand on her throat tightened, enough to make her tremble.  He was stronger than her, he could overpower her and he was abusing that power.  “Cul…”, was all she could manage before her thrust into her again.  Her grey eyes rolled back as he forced himself deep into her.  Cullen, she thought.  It was the only word that would come to her.  She pulled his hair, clawed at his shoulders but he kept her in place by her hair and neck.  “I love you”, she whispered.  

“I know.”  Without removing himself from her, he turned her around and forced her to her knees.  He released her and put his hands at her hips, slamming her against his pelvis.  

“I love you”, she moaned to the stone her tears were falling on.  

He slowed his movements, returning to a gentle rhythm.  “Stop”, he told her.  

“I love you”

He stopped completely.  “Stop saying that.”  His hand smacked her bottom with a deafening crack.

She didn’t speak, she pulled away but he brought her right back to him, sheathing himself in her.

He pressed his chest to her back, her arms quivered under his weight.  “I love you”, he breathed on her neck.  She felt him twitch inside her then the heat of his release..  

Both out of breath neither moved.   Her arms gave in and they both fell.  “You are heavy”, she said under his weight.  

He chuckled, “Sorry about that”,  He rolled off of her.

Inhaling deeply she asked, “Did you mean it?”

He exhaled loudly, “I... yes.”

They dressed and walked quietly out of the basement.  Cullen opened the door to the first floor of the Tower, they were greeted by a follow Templar.  “Cullen”, the Templar said.  He looked between them.  “The Knight-Commander has been looking for you.”

“Thank you, Edward” he answered.  

Kitsune didn’t look at the other Templar.  She kept her eyes on the ground.  After a long pause Edward made his way down the hall.  Kitsune released a breath she didn’t know she was holding.  “What if he says something?”, she asked.

Cullen sighed, “I’ll talk to him.”

With that he left her in the hall alone.  She walked in the opposite direction of him, her legs were still weak from her unravelling a few minutes before.  She heard footsteps coming towards her.  “Senior Enchanter Wynne?”

The old woman was walking down the hall with a Tranquil mage in tow carrying a chest.  

“Kitsune.  I’m glad I caught you.  I wanted to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?”  Where was she going?

“The King of Ferelden has summoned mages to join in the fight against the darkspawn.  I thought my healing abilities would be of more use there, on the battlefield.”  Her words sounded brave and admirable.  

She felt that she was losing her for good.  “Oh, they will be lucky to have you”, she said.  

Wynne put a hand on Kitsune’s shoulder.  “Take care of yourself, child”  

She wrapped her arms around the woman, “Do the same, Wynne.  I will see you again.”  She didn’t know how sure she was of that.  

Wynne returned the hug, “Of course.”  

She was gone, the Tranquil following close behind.  There wasn’t much Kitsune knew about the outside world.  Darkspawn?  She thought they had all died in the last Blight.  The King himself had requested mages, that made her wonder about wars.  Maybe life here in the tower was not so bad.  She had Cullen to make things better after all.

 


	5. The Grey Warden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How high is the price?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Caution* If you have any triggers involving RAPE/NON-CONSENT, please do not read past the first line break. Skip to the next line break. I apologize to those who are affected. (Stay strong baby)

It had been three days since Wynne left, three days since she last saw Cullen.  It was unusual but she figured he wanted to keep his distance since Edward had seen them leaving the basement together.  Still she couldn’t help but worry.  “You wanted to see me First Enchanter?”, she asked as she entered his quarters.  

“Ah, Kitsune”, he walked over to the door to greet her with a hand on her shoulder.  “I never got the chance to Congratulate you on becoming a mage.”

“Thank you, First Enchanter.”

“Your phylactery has been sent to Denerim.  You are officially a mage in the Circle of Magi”, he beamed at her.  There was so much pride in his eyes.  “I would like to introduce you to Ser Duncan the Grey Warden”

She blinked at this strange man in front of her.  He had dark hair, pulled back and tied up.  The gold earring in his right ear glinted in the light of the room.  “A Grey Warden?”  She had only read of them in the books she found in the library.  “It is an honor”, she bowed.

Duncan laughed, “No need for such formalities.  However I am flattered.”  

“Where were we Duncan?”  Irving left her side and returned to his chair across from Duncan.  

“We were discussing whether or not the Circle would be willing to relinquish more mages to the Grey Wardens.  Now, I understand that you have already given us some of your best but seven is not enough.”  Duncan’s voice was unwavering

“I understand Ser Duncan.  However, we will have to discuss the matter with the Knight-Commander”  Irving looked to Kitsune.  “Would you mind locating Ser Greagoir and asking him to join us?”

She bowed, “Yes First Enchanter.”  Their conversation continued as she exited the room.  She looked for Greagoir in the places he usually was, the dining hall, the Grand Door, near the Senior Mages quarters, he was no where.  She stopped to ask a Templar in the hall, “Excuse me…” He didn’t speak.  She cleared her throat, “Where might I find the Knight-Commander?”   

“In his quarters”, was all he said.  

“Thank you”, she wasn’t entirely sure where his quarters were but she knew the Templars’ rooms were on

the third floor.  She made her way up the stairs quickly, she didn’t want Irving and the Grey Warden to think she was not able to deliver a simple message.  When she entered the Templar’s Quarters, she looked at the beds and wondered which one belonged to Cullen.  She approached a door that had two Templars standing guard.  “Is the Knight-Commander in here?” , she asked them.  “I have a message from the First Enchanter.”

The two looked to each other.  One nodded and the other opened the door.  She stepped in and before she was barely inside they shut the door.  They are never friendly, she thought.  His quarters were a mess.  Pieces of armour were thrown carelessly on the floor and oddly it smelled like blood.  She looked around, it was completely empty.  “Hello?”, she called out.  She heard the sound of metal but not the familiar clinking of armour.  “Hello?  Knight-Commander Greagoir?”, she called out to the empty room.  The sound of metal hitting the floor was louder now.  It sounded as if it were coming from a door on the east side of the room.  She walked towards it and heard a muffled voice.  Two muffled voices.  She put her hand on the doorknob.  

* * *

 

Suddenly the door burst open, knocking her to the wood floor.  She rubbed her lower back and looked up to Ser Greagoir, nothing on but a thin shirt and thinner pants covered in… blood.  “I…”, she started to say but he pulled her up by her hair.  “Knight-Commander… what are you doing?”  She kicked her legs but he didn’t free her.  

“Just the bitch I wanted to see”, he spat the words in her face.  “I have a surprise for you, elf”  He pulled her into the room, she saw the stairs before he threw her down them.  

Her body twisted and turned four times before she landed at the bottom.  Everything hurt, she was confused and scared.   Her vision was blurry but she didn’t need to see to know it was Cullen chained and shackled to a brick wall.  “Cul…”, she tried to say but speaking hurt.  

“Kitsune!”, his voice sounded hoarse and far away.  A large, rough hand grabbed her by the neck.  He sat her up against the wall opposite Cullen.

“I heard you fancy Templars”, he said into her ears.  

That’s what this was… Greagoir knew.

“Greagoir”, Cullen coughed.  “Let her go.  This is my fault not hers”

He laughed an evil and terrible sound.  “Do you know what happens to mages who fuck Templars, elf?”

He pulled her by her hair and shook her violently.  “They die.  But, I cannot kill you, seeing as you are Irving’s favorite little bitch, but I can do much more than that.”  

“Greagoir, please don’t do this”,  Cullen begged.  “Please!”

The Knight-Commander smashed her face into the floor.  She could hear him shuffling behind her.  She tried to kick him but he grabbed her ankle and squeezed it until she cried out.  Cullen’s voice was hoarse as he screamed for the man to stop.  Greagoir slapped the back of each thigh as he pushed her robes over her waist.  

She tried to crawl towards the stairs, her arm and ribs were badly injured.  Greagoir pulled her by her ankles.  “Now, now elf.  Be a good girl and stay put.  And no spells, or I’ll kill your lover”, he said as smiled tauntingly at Cullen.  “And you wouldn’t want that would you?”  He smashed her face into the floor again, hard enough for her nose to start bleeding.  

“Greagoir”, Cullen roared and thrashed against his chains.  “Please!  Take me-take me instead.  Exile me, kill me.  You can do anything to me, just please don’t do this!”  He was trying to trade his life for hers.  

Kitsune reached her hand out to him.  Every part of her body hurt from tumbling down the stairs.  Her heart sank when she felt Greagoir’s sweaty hand rubbing her bottom through her underwear.  The feeling of a blade being driven through the back of her outstretched hand made her scream.  The dagger pinned her left hand to the wooden floor.  There was a slow and steady stream of blood.  She knew if she tried to remove it she would bleed uncontrollably and Greagoir would stab her again.  “Knight-Commander, please stop this”, she whispered as he pulled her undergarments to her bent knees.  “Please!  No!”, her voice was shrill as his hand brushed her folds.  

“Greagoir!  Don’t do this!”, Cullen pleaded.  His chains rattled as he struggled to get free from the brickwall.  

“Silence boy, or I’ll do much more than fuck her cunt”, his words were followed by the sound of him spitting.  He inserted two fat wet fingers into her dry opening.   

She cringed and shivered, holding in her screams.  “Stop”, she pleaded.  

“Mmm”, he growled.  “So tight.  I can hardly get my fingers in here.  I suppose we’ll have to loosen you up.”  He slid two more disgusting fingers into her hole.  The friction hurt her badly, she wasn’t wet and there was no way she was going to.  When Greagoir realized this too, he withdrew his hand in frustration.  “What’s wrong elf?  You aren’t enjoying this?”  

She screamed when he tore the dagger from her hand, “Ahh!”, she watched in horror as the hole in her hand started to spurt out blood.  

“Stand up!”, Greagoir demanded.  “Stand up!”

“I-I cannot!”, she exclaimed.  Her left leg was numb, she wished her right one was too.  

Greagoir lifted her by a fistful of silver hair.  She cried out and reached for his grip.  She felt some of her hair ripping from her scalp as he dragged her to Cullen.  He threw her down in front of the Templar, Cullen grabbed her by her shoulders and dragged her closer to him.  “You’re okay, love.  I’m right here.”

She wanted to believe him she was almost sure he didn’t believe himself.  She scrambled into his arms, panting and trembling in pain.  She noticed that Cullen was also shaking but from what she did not know.  Perhaps it was the many cuts and bruises he had on his torso and legs.  Perhaps it was anger or fear.  

Greagoir stood no less than two feet away from them.  He glared at the two of them when he said, “Disgusting!  A Templar and an elven mage.  Sinners in the eyes of the Chantry and the eyes of the Maker.”  

Cullen held Kitsune close to him.  “Just let us go, Knight-Commander.  We will not speak of this if you free us.”

The older man shook his head slowly.  “You don’t understand, boy.  It’s about learning your lesson.  If I let you go, you will still love her and she, you.  I have to break you.  Break you until you cannot love her anymore.”  

She looked up at Cullen.  His honey eyes lingered on his before he shut them.  His lips moved quickly and silently, he was praying.  The Maker would not save them now.  

“Kiss her”, Greagoir commanded.  

Cullen opened his eyes and smiled a weak and defeated smile.  He quickly pecked her lips.  

Greagoir laughed a disturbing sound.  “Kiss her like you do when you fuck her.”

Cullen flinched at the offensive word but did as he was told.  He kissed her forcefully, parting her lips and tasting her tongue.  He tasted of blood and she was sure she tasted the same.  Cullen pulled away.

“Keep going”, Greagoir said.  “Until I tell you to stop.”

Cullen sighed and kissed her again.  She wanted to resist him, he kissed her because he was forced.  But this was still Cullen, he was still the man she thought she loved.  She let herself enjoy his lips and his tongue.  She didn’t know if this was the last time she would ever kiss him.  

“Remove her clothes”, she heard Greagoir command.  “All of them.”

Cullen stopped kissing her and stared into her grey eyes for a moment.  She nodded to him despite herself.  She didn’t want this to continue.  She wanted to kill the Knight-Commander.  She wanted to cast a spell, any spell and kill him.  But she was too weak and she was sure she couldn’t kill him.  If she casted, he would kill Cullen and that just wasn’t worth it.  He undressed her, careful not to bump her arm which she was sure was broken or her hand which was still bleeding badly.    

She was naked, cold, and bloodied.  The feeling of Greagoir’s eyes roaming her nude form made her sick to her stomach.  “Kiss her breasts, lick her nipples”, he commanded.  

Cullen complied.  He kissed each of her breasts and licked each nipple, the were already firm from the cold air of the dungeon.  

“Keep doing it.”

Cullen continued to kiss and like her large mounds.  She couldn’t help the moans that passed her lips.  Cullen squeezed one of them making her arch her back, her sore ribs throbbed in her torso.  

“Put four fingers inside of her.  The whore should be wet.”

Four?  Greagoir’s finger were fat and short but Cullen’s were long and strong.  Four would bring no pleasure.  “Ahh, Cullen”, she gasped as he fit most of his hand inside her.  She was being stretched in a way she did not like.  She wasn’t wet enough to accommodate four long fingers.  He was gentle until Greagoir grabbed his two-handed sword from the corner of the room, held it to Kitsune’s throat and told him, “Make it hurt.  I want her to scream.”  

Cullen slammed his hand into her, refusing to stop when she begged.  “Please, Cullen!”, she choked back tears.  “Ah, stop, it is t-too much!”  

He didn’t stop, he just continued to hit the wall of her womb.  “Relax”, she heard him whisper.  

Relax?  She couldn’t relax, it hurt too much.  “Cullen!”

She felt him begin to slow and as he did she felt the tip of a blade press into the hollow of her throat.  “Harder!  Or I will cut her the way I cut you, boy!”

Cullen’s hand rammed into her over and over, she felt like she was going to vomit.  “Relax your muscles, Kitsune”, he whispered in her ear.  

She inhaled deeply and tried to do as he said.  She relaxed her walls and let his hand glide with little resistance.  A moan escaped her.  This was actually beginning to feel good.  The blade at her throat brought her back to the horrible reality that this was not pleasurable.  Her body did not agree, she was getting wet, very wet.

Greagoir inhaled deeply, “She’s aroused enough, boy”, he slapped Cullen with the flat of his blade, knocking him over and her out of his arms.  Greagoir threw down sword and retrieved the dagger.  He grabbed Kitsune by her right leg and dragged her away from Cullen.  She tried to grab for him but he was already out of her reach.  He forced her to her knees, pushed her front end down and forced her bottom in the air.  “I’ll show you what it’s like to fuck a real man, elf.”

“No!  Let her go!  Please, don’t do this Greagoir!”, Cullen was screaming, his chains straining against the wall they were bolted to.  

Kitsune tried again to get away but he used a dagger through her right hand to pin her to the wooden floor.  “Quiet, both of you or I will do much worse than fuck an elf!”

Both of them were quiet.  They were both too afraid to speak but Cullen continued to rattle against his holdings.  

He rubbed her bottom and spread her folds.  She felt his tongue poke at her entrance.  “Mmm.  So sweet.”  She shivered and whimpered.  She heard the unbuckling of his pants and felt the fat tip of his erection prodding her wet hole.  

“Ahh!”, she gasped as his short, fat member penetrated her.  He thrust into her quickly, the rest of his manhood slapped against her bare bottom.  His moans and grunts made her mouth water and her stomach lurch.  She closed her eyes and wished for this all to end.  Cullen continued to fight against his chains.  She watched him as he did so.  Her nose filled with the scent of blood.  Her body was sore and numb.  Her head pounded and her heart was fluttering.  Each of Greagoir’s thrusts created a hole in her heart and a tear in her soul.  The last thing she saw was Cullen’s tear streaked face and the last thing she heard was the Knight-Commander’s grunts.

 

The feeling of the dagger being pulled out of her hand woke her with a start.  The feeling of familiar hands on her back calmed her.  She felt something wet and warm on those hands.  “Kitsune?”  

“Cullen?”, she could hardly speak.

“I’m so sorry”, he cried into her back.  

“I should have stopped you”, was all she could manage.

 

* * *

 

Strong arms carried her.  She could feel blood drip from the holes in her hands.  She heard the murmurs of mages and Templars in the halls.  All she could see was his earring shining in the light.  

The warmth of a powerful healing spell coaxed her out of her sleep.

"First Enchanter", Duncan said.  "Cullen explained everything to me.  H-he's in no condition to speak.  I will relay the story as best I can."

"Two days?  How could no one notice the boy was missing for two days?", Irving touched her forehead. "How could Greagoir do such a horrible thing?"  He sighed.  

"First Enchanter?", she rasped.  Her throat hurt.  

"Kitsune", Irving smiled at her.  

 

Cullen had broken from his chains, they told her.  He slit Greagoir's throat with the dagger.  To protect him from the Chantry, Duncan would claim it was he who killed the Knight-Commander.  "Where is he?", she asked when they finished telling her.   

Duncan sighed, "He left this for you."  He handed her a piece of parchment sealed with a glob of red wax.  

With shaky hands, she read it:

In another world we could be together.

She stared at the letter until words began to blur.  "Will he return?", she asked Irving.  "Will he come back?"

He shook his head slowly.  "I am not sure child.  But, this thing you have between you... it cannot be."

She nodded.  She knew that it was impossible, things like this would happen again.  Or just once more.  She didn't care about herself, only him.  The two men left her with tears in her eyes and the parchment in her hand.  She was angry, scared, sad... there was nothing here for her now.  Nothing but painful memories.  Make me Tranquil, she prayed to the Maker.  I cannot stand to feel this way.  If she were made Tranquil she would no longer dream, or feel.  There would be no emotions and only faded memories.  She thought of his honey eyes, blonde hair, the scar from his cheek to his lips.  How his lips felt on hers, how she felt when they were together in the basement.  

Her tears dripped on the letter.  I cannot stay here.

"You are sure, Kitsune?", Irving asked her for what seemed liked the one hundredth time.  "You want to go with Duncan?"

She had made up her mind two days ago.  Become a Grey Warden or Tranquil.  If she wanted to keep her memories of Cullen and her emotions, the good and bad, the choice seemed easy.  "Yes First Enchanter", she sighed.  "I am sure."  There is nothing here for me.  

“The journey to Ostagar will take three days, Kitsune”, Duncan said as he carried a chest of her belongings.  “We will pass through the Hinterlands”

She had only read about the Hinterlands lush forests and beautiful hills.  “I am ready Ser Duncan”, she grabbed her staff and looked one last time at her bed.  For nineteen years no one but her had slept in that bed.  She was ready to see Ferelden.  

After a long goodbye with the First Enchanter she found herself nervously waiting for Kester the ferryman outside of the Tower.  “This is your first time outside of the Tower isn’t it?”, Duncan questioned.  

Kitsune looked in awe at Lake Calenhad.  It was glorious and it made her feel so small.  “Yes”, she breathed, the chill of the morning air felt good against her skin.  “It is beautiful”

Duncan scoffed, “Yes, I guess it might be to someone who has only seen it from high up”

Kester arrived with the ferry, “Grey Warden”, he nodded respectfully to Duncan and to her, “M’lady.”

She smiled at the old man, “I am Kitsune.”

His eyes grew wide, “The babe I found abandoned in the Spoiled Princess?”

“Yes.  I have always wanted to meet you”, she extended her hand.  “I owe my life to you, ser”

He shook her small hand.  “You are going off to become a Grey Warden?”

“Yes”, she answered as Kester helped her into the boat.  Duncan followed close behind.  

“Quite the honor”, he was beaming.  “Knowing I had a hand in make a Grey Warden.”

The boat ride was quick but that didn’t stop Kitsune from admiring the blue of the lake or the sound of the gulls above her.   Horses waited for them, tied to a post at the Spoiled Princess.  She studied the lonely pub.  Someone left me in there, she thought.  Duncan brought her a grey horse, “His name is Bailey.”  He put the reins in her hand.

She had never seen an animal this big before.  The biggest one she had ever seen was one of the cats they kept in the Tower to catch the mice.  Oliver was his name.  “Bailey”, she said to the horse.  She touched the bridge of his nose and he responded by blowing warm air through his nose.  The saddle was up very high, almost twice her height.  Duncan effortlessly got on his brown horse but this would be a struggle for the elf.  “Ser Duncan?”

He chuckled, “Sorry about that, Kitsune”  He hopped down and lifted her effortlessly onto Bailey’s back.  She didn’t know what lay in store for her, but she felt safe by Duncan’s side.  


	6. A New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did I come to be here?

At nightfall they set up camp.  Duncan set up the tents, hunted down two rabbits, and built the fire pit.  Kitsune made the flame, skinned and gutted the rabbits, then roasted them on a spit.  “What is Ostagar like?”, she asked Duncan after he had eaten the rest of the second rabbit.   She forced herself to eat one of their legs but she was in no mood to eat.  

“Oh, now I won’t ruin the surprise”, he said.  “I will tell you one thing though.  There are not many elves.  Or woman.  Or mages for that matter.”

She looked into the dancing flames of the fire.  “Oh.”

“Was it hard being an elf in the Circle?”

She thought of how the other apprentices had teased her when she was young, how some of the Templars would refer to her as ‘elf’ instead of ‘mage’.  How Cullen wanted her to stop hiding her pointed ears under her hair.  “Sometimes”, she tucked silver tendrils behind her ears.  

Duncan watched her through the fire, the flames made his gold earring shine.  “The Templar…”, he started.  “Cullen, was his name.”

The rabbit churned in her stomach at the mention of him.  “Yes.”

“He was kind to you.  Does he love you?”

Her eyes began to blur, she swallowed the knot in her throat but it wouldn’t go away, “I… he told me once.”  Her voice cracked.  “I told him once”

Duncan straightened his posture.  “What Greagoir did to the two of you… was barbaric.”

The tears fell against her will, “I know.”  She wiped them away with the back of her hand, “Thank you for taking the blame.”

The Grey Warden shook his head, “The Templar did what was right.  The Chantry would’ve never seen it that way.  I merely provided Cullen with justice.”

It was time for a change, she thought.  This was her life now, she could start over new.  She stared into the fire.  Ostagar could be a chance for her to be stronger and put the Circle behind her.  Put Greagoir behind her.  Cullen… she could put him behind her.

She hardly spoke during their trip to Ostagar.  She admired the beautiful Hinterlands from atop Bailey.  She pondered what her new life was going to be like.  Duncan helped her down from Bailey’s saddle when they came to a great stone bridge.  “Welcome to Ostagar.”  

They walked across the bridge.  Kitsune was overwhelmed by all of the sights and sounds of the army at the end of the bridge.  There were all types of people; men, a few women, warriors, and rogues.  Large tents were to the east and dogs barked from every direction.  Two men walked towards them when they got to the end of the bridge.  “Ser Duncan”, a young blonde man, clad in golden armour approached them with open arms.  “I am pleased to see that you have returned.  And with a mage at that.”  He held out his hand to Kitsune.  

She went to take it until the other man with black hair and silver armour said, “The elf should bow to her king.”

She blinked up at the blonde man.  This was the King of Ferelden.  Cailan.  “My apologies, your Highness”, she bowed deeper than she had ever bowed to the First Enchanter.  

“Now, now Loghain”, the King said.  “I will be fighting alongside the Grey Wardens.  I am not above them.”  She stood up slowly.  The King’s hand still waited for hers.  Reluctantly she put out hers, he took it shaking it firmly.  “What is your name mage?”

“Kitsune, your Highness.”

“Well Kitsune, let me be the first to thank you for joining our cause.  We could always use more mages.”

The man he called Loghain rolled his eyes.  

“Thank you, your Highness”, she bowed her head as Duncan led her further into the camp.  He went on to explain that the King and Loghain (his advisor and father-in-law) were not seeing eye to eye recently.

“They have never really agreed on much”, Duncan said.  “But I fear that now is the worst time to fight amongst ourselves.”  He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Anyway I have some things to tend to.  Why don’t you get familiar with the camp?”  He started to walk away, “Oh, find Alistair if you can.  You’ll know him when you find him… he’s odd.”

Odd?   She would keep an eye out for him.  Ostagar was large, there were many people.  She walked around for a bit, exploring the place, memorizing where everything was.  She walked passed a man who was dunking a bright red sword in a basin of water.  Steam went up into the air like a large cloud.  “You there, elf!”, he called to her.  

She thought it immensely rude that a stranger would call her ‘elf’.  She stopped to stare at him.  

“You deaf, elf?”

“No”, she said louder than she intended.  

“Where is the package I asked you to deliver?”

He was obviously confused.  “You did not ask me to deliver a package.  I do not know who you are.”

The man raised an eyebrow, “You aren’t the messenger are you?”

“That is how you would speak to him?  With such disrespect?”  

“Well I…”, the man looked away from her.

She sighed and disregarded his ignorance.  She hadn’t been here that long enough to already be sick of the way people reacted to her but she was very annoyed.  Kitsune walked up stairs that seemed to lead to nowhere but ruins.  Surprisingly, there were two men talking or more like arguing.  

“I am very sorry, ser but the revered Mother herself has asked me to deliver this message.  I am but a lowly messenger.  No match for a powerful mage such as yourself.”  The man speaking smiled a sarcastic half smile.  

“Watch your tongue Grey Warden”, the other man threatened.  

“And here I thought we were getting along so well.  I was even going to name one of my children after you, the grumpy one.”  His smile grew wider.  Kitsune covered her laugh with her hand.  The sarcastic man looked in her direction, spotting her immediately.  The mage stormed off angrily and the other man walked toward her.  She put her hands at her sides.  “At least someone found that amusing.  You know the one good thing about a Blight is how it brings people together.”

They studied each other for a moment.  He was very tall, a little taller than Cullen.  He had red hair and stubble was spread across his face.  She thought his attitude was a bit odd.  Certainly there was nothing good about a Blight.  She smiled up at him, “Alistair?”

He looked puzzled, “I don’t know you do I?”

She shook her head, “No, but Duncan said I would know you when I saw you.”

He sighed and smiled, “He was right I suppose.  You must be the new recruit, Kitsune, right?”

Now she had a puzzled look on her face, “How did you-”

“Duncan sent a raven with a letter all about you before you two left the Circle.”

All about her?  Did that include the reason she was here?  “I see”, she said.  “It is nice to meet you.”

He put a leather hand out, “It’s definitely nice to meet you, m’lady.”

She shook his hand, it was warm through the leather.  “Why is that?”  She hadn’t really meant to ask that but she noticed not too many people enjoyed her presence.  

He shrugged, “There aren’t too many girls in the Grey Wardens.  Or mages.  Or-”, he stopped and looked at her ears.  

“Elves”, she finished for him.  

He drew in a long breath, “Now, I was going to say silver haired individuals.  It’s a unique color for someone who’s so young.”  She stood confused for a moment.  No one had ever commented on the color of her hair.  Only the shape of her ears.  “I suppose you get that a lot though.”

“I, uh…  no, actually”, she said.  She had always thought her hair was quite pretty.  

“Well I think more people should have silver hair!”, He ran a hand through his short hair.  “How do you think I would look with it?”

She giggled at the thought.  “Wonderful.”

“That’s what I like to hear”, he laughed.  “You haven’t met the rest of our group have you?”

"Group?"  Duncan hadn't mentioned anyone other than Alistair.  

"Ser Jory and the cutthroat Daveth.  They’re also new recruits.  Well then," he put a hand out in front of himself.  "Let’s go collect them."

She followed Alistair through Ostagar, not well however.  She found herself distracted by the over stimulation.  There was a woman shouting a prayer she was somewhat familiar with.  She stopped to stare but felt uncomfortable when others around her began to stare at her.  There was a large fenced area not far from there that she stopped at as well.  “They are so, cute”, she said somewhat unaware that Alistair was just then meeting back up with her.  

Alistair laughed, “Yeah, if you think bloodthirsty, flea ridden, mutts are cute.  They would be at the top of the list.”

She stared at him through grey slits.  “Maybe I find that to be adorable.”

“I think you might not know what cute is.”

“And you would?”, she asked as she stuck her slender hand through the space in the wooden fence.  

“Don’t!”, he shouted as one of the hounds came up to her.  “Mabari hounds are vicious beasts.”

The dog sniffed her hand, then licked it.  She pulled it away, it dripped with drool.  “You were saying, Alistair?”  She wiped her hand on the end of her robes.  “Just because they are trained to kill does not mean that is all they do.  Sometimes they just want to be loved.”  This reminded her of someone.  Someone who was trained to hunt mages, but loved one instead.  

“Hey there, elf”, a man standing next to the kennels greeted her.  

She glared at him, Alistair spoke for her.  “This is no elf, ser.  This lady is a Grey Warden recruit.”

“My apologies, Wardens”, he quickly nodded to them.  “I meant no offense.  I just saw the way that Mabari responded to you and thought that you could help me out.”

Her face softened, “How can I help?”

“Well you see miss, that hound swallowed darkspawn blood.  He will probably be dead by morning if I don’t manage to muzzle the poor thing.”  The man gestured toward a pile of torn up muzzles.  “Maybe you could get in there and give it a try?”

“What?!  No?!  She can’t do that!”

“I’ll try it”, she agreed.

“You will do no such thing!”, Alistair exclaimed nervously.  

“If I cannot muzzle a dog.  How could I ever hope to kill a darkspawn?”, she took a new muzzle from the Kennel Master.  He unlocked the gate for her.  

The dog barked at first.  Kitsune remained unflinching despite the racing of her heart.  He snapped at her when she tried to put the muzzle on his face.  She tried again, he whined but she managed to tighten it around his head.  “It will be alright, Mabari”, she patted him on the head.  

“Great job”, said the Kennel Master.  “I’ll be able to give him his medicine now.  You should come back in a day or two and see if he imprints on you.  His old master is in the Fade now.”

“Imprint?”, she didn’t know what that meant.

“It means he would become your faithful companion.  He’d fight for you to his death.”, Alistair interjected.

To his death, she repeated to herself.  “Let us hope that it would never come to that.  I will come back”, she smiled at the Kennel Master.  

“We really should be going”, Alistair grabbed the back of her arm and pulled her away from the kennels.  “We need to find Ser Jory and Daveth and report back to Duncan.”

“Fine”, she said as she pulled her arm free.  She followed Alistair, she even tried matching his long strides.  “I would be able to follow you better if you slowed down, you know.”  She called from behind him.  “How do you know I am still following you?”

He stopped and turned to her, “Because you walk very loudly for someone who wears robes and not armour.”

“I-”, she started.  

“You should work on that”, he said with a smile.  

She practiced walking quietly while they searched for the rest of the group.

“Daveth,” Alistair called out to a tan man with a short beard and two daggers strapped to his back.

“Alistair”, the man responded.  “Is it time to report to Duncan already?”

“Yes, follow us.”

“Us?”, he asked then looked to Kitsune who was following Alistair so closely she was almost blocked out of view by his large build.  “Oh!  Our fourth companion is a-”

“A woman, yes.” Alistair said impatiently.

“Well… actually I was going to say-”

“Silver haired?  Yes, we have already discussed that haven’t we Kitsune?”, Alistair stepped to the side.

Kitsune glared at Daveth.  Had no one ever seen an elf before?  This was getting ridiculous.  “It is nice to meet you,” she gave her hand to Daveth with no trace of her annoyance in her voice or on her face.

“Same”, he said as he shook it.  “Well I guess we best be off then?”

“We must find Ser Jory and then we can speak with Duncan.”, Alistair led the way.  Kitsune practiced walking quietly.  She focused on the bobbing sword and shield on Alistair’s back to keep her strides in time with his.  She used her light weight to her advantages.  

They found Ser Jory near a Chanting man.  He too almost called out the obviousness that was her race but Alistair smoothly deflected it.  They went to Duncan who was standing next to a large fire in the middle of Ostagar.  

“Alistair”, he greeted him.  “I see everyone has made it.  Very well then”, he looked between the four of them as he spoke.  “As part of officially becoming Grey Wardens you must go through a series of trials.”  She heard Daveth mumble something under his breath.  “The first of which is to enter the Kocari Wilds.”

“The Wilds?”, Daveth spoke up.  “You mean where the Witch lives?  You want us to go in there?”

“A witch?”, Jory questioned.  “I thought we were fighting Darkspawn?”  

“We are fighting Darkspawn it’s just-”, Alistair sighed.  Duncan shook his head and Kitsune giggled to herself.  

Their mission was simple.  Go into the Wilds, fill three vials with Darkspawn blood (one for each of the new recruits)  then find some documents left behind by earlier Grey Wardens.  

Kitsune had never killed anything before, the concept was still very new to her.  But something in the dark recesses of her mind was kind of excited about it.    

“You don’t talk much do you?”, Daveth asked her as they walked through the Wilds.

“Only when she’s talking about dogs.”, Alistair chimed in.  

Kitsune laughed when Daveth rolled his eyes.  

“We’ve been walking forever without a sign of anything”, Jory complained.  “I’m beginning to think

these Darkspawn are all made up.”

Alistair who had been leading, stopped abruptly.  The rest of them followed.  “Ser Jory, I don’t care what you think.  I know there are Darkspawn in these Wilds.  I have killed them and they have killed many Grey Wardens.”  His demeanor was much different.  This must be one thing he took very seriously.  “As a Grey Warden we have the ability to sense Darkspawn.”

“Not wolves though?”, Kitsune asked.  He raised a questioning eyebrow when she pulled her staff from her back.  She shot an Arcane Bolt at one of the wolves running up on Alistair.  It whimpered and rolled into the dirt.  “Wolves, Alistair”, she said cooly.  

Daveth and Jory readied their weapons as the rest of the wolf pack charged them.  Blood splattered them all as the men cut, stabbed, and sliced at the wolves.  Alistair had joined in the fight as well, standing with his shield between the mage and the alpha wolf.  She used Winter’s Grasp on the alpha.  In its frozen state, Alistair sliced the wolf’s head off.  The four of them caught their breath and sheathed their weapons.  “No, Grey Wardens cannot sense wolves.”  Alistair's cheeks turned pink.   

She smiled gently at the embarrassed warrior.  “Do not fret, Warden.  You have a mage on your side now.”

“You know, why do I get the feeling that you’re being sarcastic?”

“I would never”, she chided.  “That is your forte.  I am the silent one.”

Daveth cleared his throat, “Can we get going?  I don’t want to stay here and wait for more of those to

show up.  Or something worse.”

“Right”, Alistair led them deeper into the Wilds.  Kitsune continued her practice.  She felt that she was improving with her stealth.   “Stop”, Alistair halted. “Darkspawn”, he whispered.  They hid in the brush nearby.  

Kitsune poked her head out, just enough to see.  The creatures were revolting.  They smelled like blood and death, they looked like monsters from a nightmare.  Their teeth protruded out of their mouths, their skin was green and oily.  A firm grip on her silver hair made her scream out in pain.  So much for stealth.  “Let go!”, she struggled against the fiend holding her.  

“Dammit”, she heard Alistair curse.  Then the hand tumbled to the ground, immediately she felt blood dripping down her face.  She grabbed for her staff.  Daveth and Jory had already jumped out of the brush and were hacking away at the Darkspawn.  “Kitsune!” Alistair called for her.  He had his shield held in the air, stopping the blows from the one handed monster.  “Sword!”  She looked around the brush.  His sword must have been taken from him after he cut her free from the enemy's grasp.   

She found the sword a few feet away, it was much heavier than it looked.  She wrapped both of her hands around the blade and let the warmth flow from her belly.  Within moments the sword was drenched in red flames.  “Alistair!”, she ran towards the Grey Warden.  She tossed the sword into the air, he caught it briefly by its flaming point and before it could burn through his gloves threw it into the monster’s face.  The Darkspawn slumped to its knees and fell onto its back.  Alistair tore the flaming sword from its face with a sickening sound.  The other Darkspawn had been killed by Jory and Daveth.  Alistair pulled three vials from a pouch he kept at his waist.  

“Take these and fill them with blood”, he handed one to each of the men but kept one for himself.  “Come here”, he said to Kitsune.  She complied.  He pulled the cork from the small vial with his teeth and ran a hand through her hair.  She didn’t move as he collected the blood from her hair and put it in the vial.  “There we are.”  He handed her the vial.  “We wouldn’t want your hair to get stained now would we?”  He unhooked the water canteen from his waist.  “Close your mouth.  You don’t want to swallow any blood.”  She closed her mouth and her eyes.  She shivered as water and blood flowed down her head and face.  “All done.”

She wiped her face on her robes.  “Thank you”, she said as she wrung the remain liquids out of her hair.  

Daveth and Jory returned with their vials full.  “We’ve got the vials.  All that’s left is to get the papers”, said Jory.

None of them really knew what the papers were for exactly but they would retrieve them anyway.  There were a few more Darkspawn lurking around the Wilds.  Each time they were attacked Kitsune stood a reasonable distance away from the creatures.  Her spells proved to be extremely effective against the monsters.  She had even managed to freeze several Darkspawn before they could attack Ser Jory.  

They came to the old ruins that had been left behind by the Grey Wardens before them.  Alistair found an old chest and smashed it open with sword.  To his dismay it was empty.  “I don’t understand… Duncan wouldn’t have lied to us”,  he said as he stared at the splintered wood of the chest.  

“I have a terrible feeling”, Jory said.  “Like we’re being watched.”

No one disagreed with him.  

“‘Tis this?”  A cold voice came from the bushes near the ruins.  “A group of thieves or maybe you are survivors of the Darkspawn’s rampage through the Wilds?”  A woman with yellow eyes, black hair, and very little clothing stepped from behind the bushes.  

“S-She’s the witch of the Wilds!”, Daveth stuttered.  “I told you a witch lived here.”

“Calm down, Daveth”, Alistair said.  “Don’t speak to her.”

The woman had a staff strapped to her back.  Kitsune had never seen a apostate before and was intrigued by the woman.  “What is your name?”, she asked.

“Don’t”, Alistair said through gritted.  

“She might turn us into toads”, said Ser Jory.

Kitsune laughed loudly at this, “If she were going to do that why would she have shown herself?”  She

looked to the apostate,  “She must have something to tell us?”

Alistair sighed and shook his head.  “If we’re all turned into swamp animals I’ll blame you.”

She ignored him, “My name is Kitsune.  Who are you?”

The woman smiled a dark smile.  “Morrigan.  I see your women are not as dumb as your men, Grey Warden”, she said to Alistair.  

“How did you know we were Wardens?”, Kitsune asked before Alistair could say anything to offend Morrigan.  

“There have been a few of you recently.  You are trying to cleanse this area of the Darkspawn’s taint, no?”

She nodded.  “We were looking for something in this chest.   Do you know what happened to it?”

Morrigan sighed and took a moment to answer.  “My mother has what you seek.”

“Your mother?”,  Alistair asked.

“I would take you to her if you like”, she ignored Alistair completely.  

“Yes, thank you”, Kitsune smiled.

The five of them made their way deeper into the Wilds.  There were no darkspawn, but that didn’t keep her from being uncomfortable and alert as they made their way through the swamp.  

 


	7. The Joining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In death, sacrifice.

They came to a small hut surrounded by swamplands.  Kitsune struggled to walk as the mud suctioned her boots inches below the swamp..  She pulled her foot out and walked as light as possible when she noticed no one else was struggling as much as she was.

“Mother”, Morrigan greeted a woman who was standing outside of the hut.  “I have brought you four Grey Wardens.”

“I can see that, girl”, the old woman said in a voice that Kitsune was sure chilled them all.  “I assume they have come for their treaties?”

No one spoke.  “Yes”, Morrigan said finally.  “I told them that you had them.”

The old woman nodded, “I have been keeping them safe.  There are very important parchments after all.”

“You’ve been keeping them safe?”, Alistair questioned.  

“Yes, Warden.  I have been protecting them from the Darkspawn and anyone else who comes through these wilds with ill intentions.”  

“Thank you, ma’am”, Kitsune spoke up trying to extinguish the tension.  

The old woman went inside the hut and returned a few moments later.  “Here”, she handed the parchments to Kitsune.  “I trust that with these the Grey Wardens will be able to end this Blight.”

“You believe this is a true Blight?”, Alistair asked.  

“I am not so foolish to think that this many Darkspawn would return to the surface without the Archdemon behind them.”  There was something off about this woman, Kitsune thought.  

Morrigan showed them the way out of the Wilds and back to Ostagar.  Night had fallen and the King’s army and the Grey Wardens were gathered around fires and eating their suppers.  Kitsune’s stomach was growling from days of neglect.  

“I am starving”, she looked up at Alistair.  

“Me too”, she heard Ser Jory say.

“Let’s see Duncan first, then we can eat”, said the Warden.  

Duncan was happy to see them all alive, covered in blood and with a few bruises and scratches, but alive.  The three recruits handed over their vials of blood.  “Now we can perform the Joining”, Duncan said to them.

“How many of these test do we have to go through before we’re made Grey Wardens?”, Daveth asked impatiently.

“This is the final step”, Duncan assured  him.  

They followed him and Alistair to a secluded area that overlooked the Wilds.  They watched him as he filled a silver chalice with the vials of Darkspawn blood, lyrium, and a few other things Kitsune did not recognize.

“Daveth you shall be the first”, he handed the chalice to him.  “Drink from it.”

Daveth sighed and reluctantly drank the blood mixture from the chalice.  Duncan said some words as he drank but Kitsune forgot them when Daveth started clawing at his throat.  He fell to the cold, hard ground.  His body seized, his eyes rolled in the back of his head, and then nothing.  

“I am sorry Daveth”, Duncan said quietly.  He and Alistair bowed their heads.  “Ser Jory”, Duncan said as he handed him the chalice.  

“I-I can’t”, he backed up to the edge of the cliff.  “If I had known… I have a wife and a child on the way!”

“I am sorry Ser Jory but this is the only way”, Duncan’s voice was cold.  “You must drink.”

“No!”, he screamed.  “Get away from me!”

Duncan handed the chalice to Alistair as Jory drew his sword.  “Don’t do this”, Duncan said as he readied his sword.  

“I don’t want this.  This is not how I thought it would be!”  Jory swung his sword at Duncan.  He countered the attack easily and sliced his throat.  Jory’s blood splattered on Kitsune’s face and robes before his body tumbled off the cliff and into the Wilds below.  

Duncan cleaned the blood from his blade.  It was her turn.  “Kitsune”, he motioned for her to take the cup from Alistair.  

She inhaled deeply.  The Mabari swallowed the blood and was on the verge of death.  What would happen if she survived this?  She took the cup from Alistair and without hesitating she swallowed a large gulp of the bloody mixture.  It burned her tongue, her throat, her chest.  The earth below her feet and the sky above her was spinning, she fell but caught herself with her hands.  She coughed and gasped for air.  Then the darkness came.  The screams.  The dragon.  It was a twisted and ugly being.  It called to her.

“In peace, vigilance.  In war, victory.  In death, sacrifice.”  Duncan’s words echoed in her mind.

 

“Kitsune”, she heard his voice,  “wake up.”  

“Cul-”, she opened her eyes to see Alistair staring down at her.  “Alistair?”

“I’m glad you’re okay.  I was really going to miss that silver hair if you had failed the Joining.”  His smile was gentle.  “Come on”, he sat her up.  “There you go.  Did you have the visions?”

“I... am not sure what I saw”, she admitted.  

He didn’t question her further.  He helped her to the area where the other soldiers were eating their supper.  She didn’t see Duncan anywhere but decided not to ask about him.  How could he just kill Ser Jory like that.? And Daveth, he had failed the joining.  “Here, eat.”  Alistair gave her a wooden plate loaded with potatoes, chicken and some herbs and vegetables.  

“I cannot eat all of the this”, she said balancing the plate on her knees.

Alistair sat next to her on the log, “Just eat.”

She started with the chicken leg.  Once all that remained was the bone, she shovelled the potatoes into her mouth.  Soon she had finished all of the food.  “I guess I was more hungry than I thought.”

He smiled at her, “It’s the Taint.”

“The what?”, she was staring at her empty plate.

“It makes you really hungry for awhile.  Here.”  He took her plate and filled it with more potatoes and chicken from the fire.  “Eat until you’re full.”

After her third plate she could finally feel the bottomless pit in her stomach begin to fill.  “How did you become a Grey Warden?”, she asked as she chewed her potatoes slowly, savoring the flavor.  

“Same way as you”, he said.  “Drank some blood, choked on it and passed out.”

She laughed, “I meant, how did you come to be one?  Did Duncan recruit you too?”

He sighed and stared into the fire.  “It was six months ago now.  I was only few days from taking my vows, I was ready to be a slave to the Chantry.”

“You were going to be a Templar?”, she felt a sudden pain in her heart.  Another Templar.  

"Not that I really wanted to be.  I didn't really have much of a choice", he didn't take his gaze off of the flames.  "I was raised in the Chantry."

"Was it lonely?", she thought of her life in the Circle.  She was never alone but she was very lonely until Cullen, of course.  

"Quite.  I had friends and the people were nice for the most part, save for the sisters."

"The sisters were not nice to you?", she swallowed the last bit of potatoes.  

He snorted, "They were to an extent but they were cruel to me.  'Now Alistair you cannot slide down the bannister' or 'You will never become a Templar if you don't stop acting like a fool'", he mocked the sisters in a high pitched voice.  "That was me.  Alistair the fool."

"You are a fool", she shrugged.  "But a sweet fool.  You mean well."

He smiled, "Sweet fool?"

"You care deeply for your fellow Wardens, I can tell."  Maybe it was the rough week she'd had or maybe it was her full stomach but she felt very tired.  "You protected us well today.  If not for you, brave warrior, that alpha would have turned me into lunch", she touched his shoulder as she spoke.  "And thank you for the food."  She replaced her hand with her head.  

She could feel his muscles tense under her cheek, "Y-You're welcome."

She felt safe for the first time since Duncan had carried her through the tower, "This is my home now", she said aloud to herself.  

Alistair chuckled, "I'm glad you're comfortable."

"Not here, here", she yawned.  "Here with the Grey Wardens... with you.  This is my home."  She could hardly keep her eyes open.  

"Welcome home", she heard him say as she drifted into the familiar place of the Fade.

The growling of her stomach woke her in the morning.  She felt like she hadn't eaten anything in a week.  Which wasn’t true, though it had been about two days since her Joining and she still ate like a starving Mabari.  She crawled out of the tent and was greeted by the sounds of barking, conversing, and metal striking metal.  Kitsune walked around for a bit.  She was unfamiliar with this part of Ostagar and got lost easily.  She didn't recognize anyone since the only Wardens she really knew were Duncan and Alistair.  

She followed the sound of the metal striking metal.  She found a fenced off area that had multiple people inside of a circle, they were training.  Two men fought with two swords each.  Their weapons seemed to dance around each others bodies, nearly cutting each other.  This was fascinating to her, she had never seen two skilled rogues fight this way.  It was almost beautiful.  Their training ended when the smaller of the two knocked both of the swords from his opponent.  

"Do you want to train?", Alistair's voice came from behind her.

She snorted when she laughed, "Oh yes, I can see myself doing that easily."

"Come on", he climbed over the wood and held out a hand.  

She didn't take it.  "I do not want to fight you."

"Are you afraid?"

She smiled a one sided smile, "Of you, a failed Templar?  No."  She took his hand and climbed the fence.  The other fighters were finished with their training and only Alistair and Kitsune stood on opposite sides of the training circle.  

"You're not going to win", he said as he unsheathed his sword.  

She gripped her staff with her hands.  "Why is that?"

"You're a mage."

She rolled her eyes and ignored him.  "Come on, Templar."

He left his shield on his back.  He ran towards her with only his sword in his right hand.  She waited until he was halfway towards her before she gathered Cone of Cold in her staff.  When he was two feet in front of her he raised his sword above his head and she released the spell.  He froze instantly.  She stepped behind him and used a small fire spell to melt the ice.  He fell forward into the dirt.  His sword fell out of his hand.  "What is wrong, Alistair?", she chided.  "Has the mage bested the Templar?"

She had a shock spell ready and aimed at his sword.  When he went to pick it up she would send the lightning bolt to the metal sword.  He stood up and faced her, "I really hate frost spells", he said, shivering.  

She smiled to herself.  He backed away toward his sword never taking his eyes off of her staff.  He crouched down to pick up the sword and she released the spell.  He must have seen it coming because in a fluid motion he turned around and let the spell hit the wooden shield on his back.  Alistair picked up the sword, unharmed, barring his shield in his left hand.

She shot Arcane Bolts at him as he attempted to close the gap between them.  He wasn't letting up, he was dodging and blocking each spell effortlessly.  He stood three feet from her when she started to prepare an Earthquake spell.  She had to get him away from her somehow.  Slowly he inched closer, "What will you do now?"  He smiled as he twirled the sword in his hand.  "I'm too close to do a fire spell and you're not dumb enough to use another frost spell."

"You are right, Alistair", she pointed her staff to the ground.  Massive shockwaves rolled through the earth around them.  The ground shook violently in the fenced off area.  Both of them had trouble keeping their balance.  If she could hit him with one more bolt she would win this duel.  

Somehow maintaining his balance, Alistair smirked at her from three feet away.  She was puzzled when his hands began to glow blue but quickly she released her mistake.  With an almost deafening explosion, the earth stopped trembling and the bolt she was about to cast dissipated.  He had used his Templar power to cleanse the area of magic.  How did she not release he would have such an ability?  Alistair pointed the tip of his sword to her throat.  "It would appear that I’ve won this duel", he was grinning ear to ear.  

She pushed his sword away with her staff, "Good for you."

He sheathed his weapon and settled the shield on his back.  "You're not mad that I won are you?"

She was but she didn't want him to feel bad.  He had won this duel but she was sure there would be others.  "I will win the next one", she said.  

"Confident in that, are you?  Well, as long as I cleanse the area you can't win", he said matter-of-factly.  

"Then I will have to be fast."  Her stomach growled loud enough for them to both hear.  

"Let's get some breakfast."

She followed him to an area that had many tables and benches.  She sat down, exhausted from their fight.  It was exhilarating.  She knew they were both holding back but she had never dueled anyone before.  The Templars in the Circle were only permitted to oversee the mage's training not participate in it.  She wasn't at the Tower anymore and she was much more than a mage.  She was a Grey Warden.  

Alistair set her food in front of her.  She wasted no time and began eating.  "How did you become a Grey Warden?", he asked.  "It's not very usual that we get mages that are so compliant with joining."

She swallowed the food in her mouth.  What was she going to tell him?  The truth?  "Duncan came to the Circle and needed more mages.  I volunteered."  It was kind of the truth.

Alistair chewed thoughtfully, "You must've had a reason for leaving.  No one actually wants to become a Grey Warden."

She sighed and pushed the food in her bowl around.  "I was hurt very badly.  Duncan saved me and took the blame for what happened.  I owe him everything and I had nothing left there anyway so I figured I would come to Ostagar."

Alistair nodded, "What happened to you?"

She looked at the scar on the backs of her hands.  "I loved a Templar."

She didn't have to look at him to know he was stiff with shock, "A m-mage and a Templar?"

She laughed, "Well at least I think I loved him.  It was very complicated."

"I'll say.  Not to mention forbidden.  So what happened to him?"

"He left.  I do not know where he went."

"Why did he leave?", Alistair went back to eating his breakfast.

"He killed Knight-Commander Greagoir."

Alistair spit porridge across the table.  "What?!"

She didn't look at him, "Duncan claimed that it was he who did it so he would have to deal with the Chantry and not Cu-", she had yet to say his name allowed.  "Cullen."

Alistair composed himself and wiped away the porridge.  "Why did he kill the Knight-Commander?  I mean I know he wasn't the best guy in the world but he killed the Knight-Commander."

She didn't want to say.  It was too painful.  "H-he", her eyes began to well.  "He tortured us."

Neither of them spoke.  Neither of them ate.  They both sat there for a while until Alistair said, "Let's go visit that Mabari."

She agreed and they left the Warden's camp walking side by side in silence.

“Kennel Master”, Kitsune greeted the man.  

“Ah, Wardens”, he greeted.  “Great timing.  I was about to feed the hound you helped muzzle the other day.  Would you like to do it?”  He waved two dead rabbits by the ears at them.  They each took one.  

“Do I have to feed that beast?”, Alistair whined.

“Are you afraid, Warden?”, Kitsune asked as they walked into the kennels.  

He cleared his throat, “I-I’m not afraid so much as-”, he was interrupted by the eager barking of the Mabari.  Kitsune tossed the dead rabbit to the dog.  She watched as he ripped it in half and swallowed the head with only a few quick chews.  She pushed Alistair in front of her, “Do not be shy.  He is a harmless dog.”

The Mabari looked up at the man and snarled.  Alistair flinched, “Bad dog”, he said.  “Y-you sit down and eat your breakfast.”  The dog was compliant and Kitsune laughed at Alistair’s unwavering bravery.  They watched as he bit off the head of the second rabbit.  “That wasn’t so bad.  Maybe he is just a dumb mutt.”  The hound was on his feet and growling at him.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  You’re not dumb.”

Kitsune laughed until her sides hurt.  Alistair laughed with her.  It felt good to laugh this way.  “Thank you, Alistair.”

“For what?”, he rubbed a gloved hand through his red hair bashfully.  

She noticed for the first time that he had freckles across his nose.  “For bringing me here.  I am glad to see the Mabari is getting better.”

“Me too”, he put a hand on her shoulder.  “I think he really likes you.”

The Marbari circled Kitsune before sitting at her feet.  “I like him”, she said as she patted his brown head.  

“I think he’s imprinted on you”, the Kennel Master said from the other side of the fence.  “He’s yours now then.  Come by tomorrow and he should be ready for some action.  

Kitsune smiled at Alistair, “Are you okay with having a war dog with us?”

He looked at the dog who was wagging his nub of a tail.  “I don’t think I have much of a say in this.  What are you going to name him?”

She turned her head to the side, “Does he not have one?”

“No one’s sure what his master called him”, the Kennel Master said.  “You can name him.”

“Ammy”, she shrugged.  

“Ammy?”, Alistair crinkled his nose.  “I’m pretty sure this is a boy dog.”

“It is short for Amaterasu.  It sounds powerful”, she said nonchalantly.  She saw the look the Kennel Master shot at Alistair.  She crossed her arms, “He is my dog.”

They left the kennel.  They had decided they would return tomorrow to see if the Mabari was fully recovered.  “Let’s go see Duncan”, Alistair said.  “I’m sure there is some work that needs doing.”

Duncan was near the King’s tent when they found him.  “Alistair!  And how is our newest Warden?”

“I am good Duncan.  Thank you”, she bowed her head.  

“What would you have us do, ser?”, Alistair asked as he stood dutifully at attention.  Kitsune admired his

form.  

“You still have those treaties, correct?”, Duncan asked.  Alistair pulled them from the pouch at his waist. “Good.”  Duncan thumbed through them.  

“What are they for?”, Kitsune asked.  She knew they were treaties but she was unsure for what.  

Duncan explained that the Grey Wardens before them had signed treaties with the factions of Ferelden.  The Circle of Magi.  The Dwarves of Orzammar.  The Dalish Elves.  In the time of the Blight the Grey Wardens had the right to recruit the help of each of the factions.  Duncan gave the parchments back to Alistair.  “Hold on to these.  We will be needing them if we cannot drive back these Darkspawn tonight.”

“Tonight?”, Alistair was surprised enough for both of them.

Duncan nodded slowly.  “King Cailan wants to attack them tonight.  Which is for the best of course, they are running amok in the Wilds.”

She had to agree with him there.  They were crawling all throughout the Wilds when she had been there with Alistair and the others.  “What shall we do?”, Alistair asked.

“I will give you your orders later this evening once I figure out everything else.  For now I suggest the two of you prepare yourselves.  You are a team now.”

They both bowed and walked away from their Commander.  “Too bad Ammy won’t be able to fight with us tonight.  It may get a bit crazy”, Alistair said.  A part of her was glad Ammy was still recovering.


	8. The Fall of Ostagar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little while longer.

Kitsune and Alistair spent the rest of the day preparing for the battle.  “There will be many Darkspawn tonight.  Many different kinds as well”, Alistair said as he sharpened his longsword on a grinding wheel.  Sparks flew from the iron.  “Some of them can cast spells, you will take them out first.”

“What of the ones that do not cast spells?”, she kicked at the dirt.  

He looked her in the face, something he had only done once before.  “Stay behind me and I’ll protect you of course.  Here”, he said tossing a sheathed dagger to her.  “if you get surrounded you’re spells will be useless.”

She raised an eyebrow, “If I get surrounded?  You mean if you fail to protect me?”

“If I die.”

He said it with such finality that she took a step back.  “You will not die.”

Alistair laughed, “You don’t have to be so serious all the time.  You’re much prettier when you smile.”

She smiled, “You think I am pretty?”  

He wiped the blade of his sword on his tunic before placing it in its sheath.  “I’d be blind if I didn’t.  And you know, I can see just fine most days.”

She laughed.  She wanted to say she thought he was handsome.  She liked his sharp jaw line, his red hair, the crinkle he got in his nose when he didn’t like something, his amber eyes.  The memory of honey eyes and warm hands on her thighs kept her mouth shut.  She just stared at him and admired the way the fabric of his tunic tighten as he moved.  

“What?”, he asked her when he noticed her staring.  “Maker’s breath!  That wasn’t too bold was it?”

She shook her head, “No I just…”, she stopped herself.  Cullen was far away from her now.  It was best to forget about him.  Forget about his smile, the stubble on his chin.  Forget about his lips on hers.  Forget how hurt she was when he was in comatose.  Her eyes started to water and her nostrils involuntarily flared.  Before he could ask, she ran off.  

She ran toward the kennels, looking for a place she could be alone.  Through the tears in her eyes she saw a familiar face near the mage’s tents.  She wiped her eyes and called out to the woman, “Senior Enchanter?”

Wynne looked up from the book she was reading and squinted at the girl a few feet in front of her, “Kitsune?”

Kitsune ran towards the woman and sank to her knees, wrapping her thin arms around the old woman’s waist.  How could she forget?  Wynne said she was joining the King’s army.  

“What are you doing here, child?”, Wynne pushed Kitsune’s shoulders back enough to look at her tear stained face.  “You were at the tower when I left.”

Kitsune collected herself and told Wynne everything.  She told her about Cullen and Greagoir and Duncan.  She told her how everything seemed to be unravelling before her.  “I had to repay him, so I became a Grey Warden.”

Wynne moved loose tendrils of silver hair from the elf’s face.  “That was both foolish and brave.  I do believe I’ve told you that once before.”

Kitsune felt relieved.  She hadn’t talked about this yet and it was the release she needed.  “I know.”

“It is a miracle in itself that you survived the Joining.  The Maker must have plans for you.”

“The Maker has plans for us all”, his sarcastic voice came from behind her.  

“Alistair?”, Kitsune turned to see him standing tall above her and Wynne.  “How long have you been standing there?”

He sighed as he rubbed the back of his head, “Long enough to know why you became a Grey Warden.”

She squinted her eyes and frowned deeply, “You were eavesdropping?”

“I came to tell you Duncan had summoned us but you were talking to this mage-”

“Her name is Senior Enchanter Wynne”, Kitsune said through gritted teeth.  

“You were talking to Wynne-”

“Senior Enchanter”, she interrupted him again.

“Kitsune”, Wynne said quietly.  “It’s alright he doesn’t have to-”

Kitsune put her hand up, “You will show this woman more respect than you show the other mages.  Myself included.  How dare you eavesdrop on our conversation.  If I wanted you to know the truth I would have told you.”  Her face was burning with embarrassment and shame.  She was broken.  What Greagoir did to her and Cullen made her sick to her stomach.  The tears had fully dried and now all she felt was anger.  

Alistair looked hurt and apologetic when he said, “I don’t think of you any differently, Kitsune.”

She walked towards him and looked into those amber eyes that made her want to sigh.  “I do not care what you think of me, Templar.”  She turned to bow to Wynne, “Senior Enchanter.”

She stomped off in the direction of the Warden’s camp.  She wasn’t angry at him, she was furious.  Why would he do such an idiotic thing?  She wasn’t ready to tell him.  She wanted him to think that she wasn’t broken.  With him she could try to pretend that the events in the Tower were just a bad dream in the Fade.  “Kitsune?”, a hand wrapped itself around her wrist.  

“Alistair, let go”, she tried to pull her wrist free but his hand was completely closed around her wrist.  

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”  He stopped her in front of an oak tree and pulled her under the shade of its branches.  “You were upset after what I said and I came to check on you.”  He leaned against the trunk of the tree and pulled her in front of him.  “I saw you with”, he paused and raised an eyebrow, “Senior Enchanter Wynne and you were so upset.  I just wanted to make sure it was nothing I said.”

She shook her head, “It was not your fault”, she folded her arms across her chest.  It was cold under the shade of the oak.  

“Good.  I don’t take it back”, Alistair rubbed her arms with his hands.  “I stand by it.”

“That I am prettier when I smile?”, the friction of his hands on her arms made her shiver.  His hands were calloused and rough but his touch was gentle.  

He nodded.  “I thought you didn’t care what I think?”  His hands lingered on her arms.  

She wanted to be close to him.  He was warm and the autumn wind was nipping at her skin.  “You are the only friend I have amongst this chaos.  I apologize for getting so angry with you.”  She let him draw her closer to him.  Her head only came up to his chest.  She wanted very much to be comforted by the sound of his heart in her ears.  “I did not want you to know.”

He tucked her silver hair behind her ears.  “I told you it doesn’t change what I think about you.  Well now I know not to disrespect any mages around you.”

She laughed.

“Honestly, I thought you were going to strike me down with my own sword”, he smiled.  

She shook her head.  “I would never hurt you.”

“Nor I you”, he sighed.  “It hasn’t been very long but can I tell you something?”

Their eyes met as she nodded.  

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.  I feel like we’ve been best friends since we were children.”

She knew what he meant.  It was so easy to trust him.  They had only known each other for two days but something about him was so easy to open up to.  Even if he was eavesdropping.  “I know what you mean.  Maybe it is the Taint.  Since we are both new to the Grey Wardens we can relate to each other.”

He rested his hands at his sides, “Yeah, that must be it.”

She didn’t honestly think that.  What she thought was she was lonely and Alistair filled the hole in her heart.  She looked at his hands.  She wanted to know what his fingers felt like between hers.  She shook the thought away.  No more of this.  

“Maker!”, he exclaimed suddenly.  “Duncan wanted to see us ages ago!”  He grabbed her hand and they ran towards the war table.  Their fingers weren’t intertwined,  his hand cupped hers.  

They were both out of breath and still holding hands when the made it to Duncan.  “Took the two of you quite a while”, Duncan said with his arms folded across his chest.  “Next time I expect you here sooner.”

“Yes, ser.”  They said in unison.  Kitsune freed her hand from his.

“You will be a vital point in our success in the battle tonight”, Duncan said.  “King Cailan has requested you two to personally see this mission accomplished.”

“What is it?”, Alistair asked eagerly.  

“If the horde gets too close to the southern tower, we need the two of you to light the beacon and signal for the Teryn’s man to drive the enemy forces back”, Duncan watched Alistair’s face carefully as he spoke.

Alistair laughed, a strange snorting sound.  “What?  Light the beacon?”

Kitsune too felt that this was much too easy a task for them.  “We join the battle afterwards, then?”

“We will see but that should not be necessary”, Duncan said flatly.  

“Not necessary?!”, Alistair was shouting now.  “It’s a job for messanger not two Wardens who are more than ready to fight!”  

“I will not argue with my King and you shall not argue with your Commander!”, Duncan was shouting too.  

Alistair’s face softened almost immediately.  “I’m sorry Duncan.  I just don’t see how this is fair.  Or smart.”

Kitsune agreed with him but remained silent as their Commander spoke, “It’s alright, Alistair.”

The young Warden sighed and ran his hair through his red hair, “Just so you know if the King asks me to put on a dress and dance the Remigold, I won’t do it.”

She lost her composure and laughed almost too hard.  “I would love to see that.”

“For you maybe.”  Alistair looked thoughtfully at his Commander.  “Maker watch over you tonight, Duncan.”

Duncan nodded, “May he watch over us all.”

“Are you afraid?”, he asked her.  

“A bit, yes.”

“Don’t be”, he elbowed her in the arm.  “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.  Do you still have that dagger?”

She touched the small of her back where she had it hilted.  “Alistair?”, she sounded nervous in her own ears.  

He didn’t speak.  He wrapped his arms around her shoulders.  Her face resting uncomfortably against his armour.  “I’m sorry”, he said as he pushed them apart.  “You never know, right?”

His arms felt good wrapped around her small frame.  “Do not say things like that.”

Alistair chuckled, “It was mostly just and excuse to hug you.”

She stared into his amber eyes, “You do not need an excuse”, she wrapped her arms around his waist.  “It feels good.”

He put his arms around her shoulders and pulled her in tighter than before, “You shouldn’t have said that.  Now I’m just going to do it whenever I like.  I might be hiding in the bushes while you’re have a private moment and then… SURPRISE!”, he squeezed her so tight she thought she might snap in half.

She studied his smile, the lines on the corner of his eyes, the softness of his lips.  “You are so handsome”, she whispered.  

“W-What?”, he was almost more shocked than she was.  “You think I’m handsome?”, he raised his eyebrow.  

She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks, “I-I…”, she felt a pang of guilt in the pit of her stomach.  What about the one she left behind?  No, this is my life now.  I am a Grey Warden.  His arms feel so safe and strong.  Please do not ever let me go, Alistair.  She wiggled in his arms trying to see if he would release her.  “Yes”, she said flatly.  She reached her hands up to cradle his face.  His face was extremely hot, he must be nervous about the battle.  His beard was prickly under her palms.

“Your hands are cold”, his cheeks squished together as he spoke.

She laughed at his pudgy face, “You look better like this”, she pushed his cheeks together and continued to laugh.

“Wet go”, he said with his lips pursed awkwardly together.  “It huwurts.”

She laughed so hard she snorted a bit, “I am sorry”, she said as she smoothed out his face.  She kept her hands on his warm face.  “Promise me something.”  He raised his eyebrow in response.  “Promise you will not leave my side once the battle starts.”

He hugged her tight until she felt something in her crack, “Never.  Promise me you’ll stay within sight.”

She nodded, “Always.”  

They both jumped when they heard the horn of battle.  

It started raining at some point during the battle.  They stayed close to the bridge.  Close enough to hear the sounds of the Darkspawn arrows whistling through the night.  Close enough to see some of the Wardens and King’s Army wounded on the ground.  Alistair peered past the bridge.  “It’s time.”

Alistair had armour and a shield to protect himself and Kitsune had her spells.  She used a Rock Armour spell to protect herself.  They crossed the bridge carefully.  Avoiding arrows and various other projectiles was no easy task for the newest Warden.  Alistair walked beside her protecting her with his shield.  “We are almost there”, she said when Alistair barely missed an arrow.  

Suddenly there was an explosion in front of them.  The two of them flew backwards and she landed on the stone bridge with such force it almost rendered her spell completely useless.  Her ears were ringing and it was quite some time before she was able to inhale again.  She looked behind her to see Alistair gripping his shield arm and writhing in pain.  “Alistair”, she called to him.  Her voice sounded muffled in her still ringing ears.  She reached him with her staff and healed his arm.  “Better?”

He got to his feet and helped her up, “Let’s hurry.”

They crossed the crumbling bridge before it was no longer traversable.  She stayed close behind him, watching the the area behind him.  “Wait”, she hissed.  “Do you hear that?”

“What?  I don’t hear anything, Kitsune”, he whispered.  

Her life in the circle made her very susceptible to the sounds of silence.  She put a long pale finger to her lips and pointed to the north east.  Over there, she mouthed.  Behind the trees.

His gaze followed her finger.  He squinted and nodded.  

She gathered Chain of Lightning in her staff and shot it at the Hurlock behind a tree.  It growled in pain before falling to the earth and four more Darkspawn came from behind the trees.  Alistair ran ahead and launched a one man attack while Kitsune shot spell after spell at the archer.  This group was killed easily but they knew there would be more.  They reached the stairs to the tower when Alistair said, “There’s no Darkspawn.”

He was right, she looked around and saw nothing, “Maybe they are inside”, she said pointing to the tower.  

Alistair shook his head, “They shouldn’t be, they should be attacking the southern tower where Duncan and the King are.”

“We should go.  We have to light the beacon,”  she said as she ran up the stone stairs of the tower as he followed close behind.  She put her hands on the large wooden doors when Alistair pulled her back by the waist.  “What?”, she hissed.

“Let me go first.  I have a shield remember”, he eased the door open and put his shield in front of him.  Kitsune enhanced his sword with an ice spell before he stepped inside.  She followed behind him, unaware if he could feel her hands through the armour on his back.  “Be quiet”, he said as she shut the doors behind them.  He pulled the dagger out of the sheath from her back.  “No spells.”

No spells?  She had never physically killed anything.  She barely knew how to hold the dagger.  She complied and followed him down the hall of the tower.  She walked quietly like she had practiced in the Wilds.  She held the dagger in her left hand and strapped the staff to her back.  The feeling of defenselessness was a new one to her.  Hopefully Alistair would make good on that promise.  

They sidled against the wall when they came to the stairs leading up to the next floor.  “Alistair”, she pulled on his arm guard when he started up the stairs.  

“What?”, he turned to her with an impatient look on his face.  

She had a sinking feeling in her stomach.  She didn’t want to continue up this tower.  Something was wrong, it was much too quiet.  “I have a bad feeling about this.  I think we should find some help.”

“We don’t have time, we need to light the beacon.  It’s alright.  I promise.”

She let his arm go and followed him up the stairs.  With every step her stomach sank deeper and deeper.  The door at the top of the stairs seemed to have been opened by force but the top of the tower was completely empty.  “See”, he said.  “It’s empty.  The beacon is right over there.”

This all seemed too easy.  She had the same feeling now as she did in the library when the Abomination had gotten loose.  An uneasy feeling hung in the air.  Kitsune looked around the grand room.  

Alistair was on the other side of the room when he turned to her and screamed, “Kitsune!”

Her blood splattered on the nearby wall.  The first arrow protruded from her left shoulder.  The second in the stomach.  The third in the center of her chest.  She could taste warm metal on her tongue.  They came in through the windows and the door behind her.  There were so many Darkspawn she couldn’t see Alistair on the other side of the room.  She couldn’t stand anymore.  Her knees cracked against the stone floor when she fell.  Maker, she thought, where is he?  She searched for him and found him tangled near the center of the horde.  Slashing and hacking and freezing the enemies with her ice spell.  She saw the flare in his eyes as he killed each monster.  

A Genlock rushed her from the center of the horde.  He ran quickly with his curved blade high in the air ready to strike her down.  She gripped the dagger as tightly as she could thrust it outward.  The Genlock ran into it stomach first.  It slid into his body.  His blood dripped down her hand.  She couldn’t remove the blade.  The Darkspawn fell back and remained motionless.  The beacon.  I have to light it.  She reached for her staff, moving her arm behind her made her cry out in pain.  The arrows in her torso made it painful to even breathe.  Her left hand was almost too weak to grip the staff but she managed to hold it with both hands.  

A weak fire spell shot from the tip of her staff and lit the dried sticks in the base of the beacon.  This got Alistair’s attention.  There were several Darkspawn attacking him from every angle.  He was a skilled fighter but she knew he would not last much longer.  I have to help him.   _Maker’s breath I cannot feel my arm_.  She gathered a lightning spell in her stomach.   _Please let this save him_.  She shot the lightning from the tip of her staff and watched it zigzag it’s way to every Darkspawn that surrounded the Warden.  She looked up to the high ceiling of the tower and wished she could see the stars of the night sky. _Let me stay a little while longer.  I have so much I wanted to tell him._  Whether she meant Cullen or Alistair, she wasn’t sure.  Maybe both.  Her eyes closed before she hit the cold stone floor.


	9. Tears and Lampposts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?

Large, warm hands clutched her waist.  They pulled her onto him and she could feel every bit of his tension.  He was buried so deep inside her he was hitting that precious spot that made her back arch and her eyes roll back.  She held herself up with her forearms parallel to the wood floor beneath her.  Her pale legs shook under him as he thrust into her repeatedly.  He was gentle but forceful, loving but lustful.  I love you, she thought.  Why did you leave me all alone?  Why when I needed you most did you run away?  Now I am a Grey Warden.  Is this the other world?  The one where you can love me and I can love you.  “I love you”, she moaned.  

“Is this love?”

His voice.  His voice was not his.  

She pulled away from him and his hands slipped off her hips.  She looked into his eyes, they were not the color honey.  But amber.  There was no blonde hair.  But red.  “Alistair?”

“Is this love?  Because if it is I never want to let it go”, he smiled that half smile he almost always had on his face.  

“I thought you were…”, she didn’t want to hurt him.  She cared for him but she didn’t love him.  “I thought you were someone else.”

“You thought I was Cullen”, his voice seemed to echo and bounce off the walls of the tiny storage room.  

She folded her arms across her chest to cover her nakedness.  “I am sorry, Alistair.  I do not want-”

“Oh, but you do.”  His voice was now unfamiliar and cold.  “You want me.  And who wouldn’t?  I am a Grey Warden.  I’m not forbidden like the Templar.  I can love you from this world to the next.”

She shook away the desire to close her eyes and let him continue to make love to her.  He was perfect and that made it so hard to resist.  “You can love me?”

“Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted, Kitsune?”, he brushed his hand from her shoulder to her arm.  His once warm hand was now cold and rough.  

“How can you love me?  You hardly know me.”  This was beginning to feel all too familiar.  

“I would if you let me in.  You just have to let me in.  Turn back around, love”, any trace of his voice was gone and all she heard was the hissing of a demon.

She smiled a sly smile.  “I will never let you in demon.”

With that she was out of the Fade and in a place she was unfamiliar with.  She heard the crackling of fire and smelled the boiling of a stew, probably rabbit and elfroot.  She sat up carefully and looked around.  The room was small; there were two beds (one of which she was lying in) and lots of old book and parchments.  It was a place she did not know but she felt safe.  

The door creaked open and she made no attempts to hide.  A familiar woman approached her.  “I am glad to see that you have awoken.  Mother will be most pleased.”

“Morrigan”, she said to the apostate.  “Where am I?”

“You are in my mother’s hut in the Wilds.  You are safe here so do not fear the Darkspawn”, she stood near the cauldron sitting over the fire and stirred what Kitsune assumed to be the stew.  

“How did I get here?  The last thing I remember was… the Darkspawn and… I was dying”, Kitsune felt her body for wounds and found the sore spots where the arrows had been.  “Did you heal me?”

Morrigan chuckled, “I am no healer but your wounds were nothing that mother could not heal.  You should give her your thanks not myself.”

Kitsune watched the dark haired woman as she cleaned up the room a bit.  She saw her pick up a longsword and set it against the wall near the door.  “Alistair?!”, how could she forget.  “Is he alright?”

“He is outside with mother.  The spell you cast, which almost killed you, is what saved him.  Pity”, she mumbled the last word to herself.  Kitsune wasn’t sure if she meant it was a pity that she hadn’t die or if Alistair hadn’t died  

She tried to get up but Morrigan motioned for her to stay in bed.  “If you are so eager to see that, fool, then I will fetch him.”

Kitsune complied and placed her head back on the pillows.  She was indeed weak and sore.  Morrigan left the room and did not return but instead a man.  

He had no armour on and his beard was beginning to thicken.  He looked surprised, defeated, devastated and a thousand other things she could not name.  “Alistair”, she smiled and felt her nose and eyes tingle with satisfied tears.  

He studied her for much longer than she would have like.  She realized she was in nothing but her underwear.  Tears rolled from their amber home and down his cheeks.  She reached a shaky and unstable hand out to him.  He hesitated but took her hand in his and sat on the bed with her.  He didn’t speak, he just held her hand in both of his and let the tears collect on their hands.  

Something was wrong but she did not want to ask.  She bit her lower lip when he finally looked her in the face.  His eyes were red and watery.  She put her free hand on his cheek and found it difficult to keep raised because of the pain in her shoulder.  “What is it?”, she asked feeling her own tears begin to escape.  

He shuddered as he inhaled and began to speak, “I failed you.  I br-broke my promise.”

“No”, she wiped the tears away.  “You did not break your promise.  You protected me better than I

could have asked for given the situation.”

“I thought you were dead”, he said as he sniffled.  

She smiled softly, “I am not.  Nor are you”, she sat up and rubbed his back.  “Look at me, Alistair.”

He focused his amber gaze on her grey eyes.  “Kitsune”, he cradled her face in his large calloused hand.  This feeling was familiar to her.  She felt safe when she was with him.  She was content when he touched her.  

She didn’t take her eyes off his when she pressed her lips to his.  Both of them leaned into it.  He kissed her back and she let the hand on his back slide up and tangle itself in his hair.  She pulled him down to the bed with her never letting their lips separate.  She could taste his tears on his lips.  He put a hand on her jaw and pulled her close to him.  

She parted his lips with her tongue and teased his tongue with hers.  He groaned into her mouth when she pulled a fistful of ginger hair.  The sound of his pleasure with her made her twitch in the most private of places.  “Alistair”, she whispered into his mouth which was waiting for her.  She mewed when he wrapped an arm under her shoulders and propped her up.  She rubbed his chest through his tunic and she grew excited when she felt each ripple and tight mound under her hand.  

Kitsune wanted him to touch her.  She grabbed his hand and guided it to her own chest.  Her nipples were hard and she trembled when his fingers brushed over one.  She pulled away from his mouth and kissed his jaw.  Then his neck, then his collar bone where she licked and bit as well.  Her hands were exploring every inch of his chest but his hands remained still.  He was breathing heavily and his eyes were hardly open.  She peaked at his lower half and she saw his erect pleasure pressing against his thin pants.  

She let one hand drift from his chest to his stomach and then to his lap.  His eyes snapped open and he had her wrist in his hand before she could pretend she wasn’t trying to touch him there.  “Alistair”, she pulled her hand away slowly and the only tell that he was in any kind of pleasure a moment before was the very thing she could not touch.  “I am sorry, I thought...”

He shook his head, “I want it trust me, I want it more than… than I want most fine cheeses but-”

“But I am an elf”, she finished for him.  “It is okay.  I understand.”  She didn’t but she did not want to

embarrass herself further.

“No”, he breathed.  “It’s not that.  That’s my second favorite thing about you.”

She was going to ask what the first was but the look on his face concerned her.  “What is it?”

Tears began to form in his eyes again.  “It’s Duncan… he’s gone.”

No…  They both cried.  “I am so sorry I did not-”, she rubbed the center of his back as he cried.  “How?

We lit the beacon.  Why?  I do not understand.”

He explained that Teyrn Loghain’s men never drove the Darkspawn back from the southern tower.  Both the King and Duncan were killed by the horde.  Many Wardens and many of the King’s Army were killed.  Those that had not run away.  “He betrayed us”, Alistair said about Loghain.  “He killed the King and Duncan”, his nostrils flared in anger.  “Now we are all that is left of the Grey Wardens of Ostagar.  Just us.”

Kitsune took all the information in slowly and remained quiet for a long while.  She rubbed his back and wiped away her own tears.  “This Blight is our duty now.  We must kill the Archdemon.”

He scoffed, “I know you’re a new Warden, but it takes armies to defeat a blight.  Two is no army.”

She nodded, “Well you would be right, but we are two Wardens who have treaties.”

His eyes lit up.  “You’re right.  We have the treaties!  We can recruit an army and maybe have a chance to end this Blight.”

“You have to promise me something”, she said to the Warden.  

He raised an eyebrow.

“Promise me you will not leave my side until this is all over.  The Blight, I mean”, she touched his scruffy beard with her fingertips.  

He grabbed her hand and kissed the tips of her fingers.  “As long as you promise to stay by my side as well.”

She replaced her fingers with her lips.  She wanted to be close to him.  He was all she had left.  He wrapped his hand in the tangles of her silver hair.  “Make love to me”, she whispered.  They pulled away from each other and she immediately regretted saying those words.  What is wrong with me?  I hardly know him.  Yet I…

“I can’t.”

Her cheeks grew red with embarrassment and regret.  “I… do not know why I said that”, she didn’t look at him when she spoke.  

“No, I mean I… come here”, he pulled her close to him and she pressed her face into his chest.  “I want to.  I really do.  I just can’t.”

“Would you one day?  Do you think that you could?”, she breathed in the scent of his tunic.  

“Maker yes, I just want to be sure, Kitsune.”

“I thought I was dead and I-”, she looked up at him.  “Can I kiss you again?”  The demon in the Fade was right, it was not Cullen her heart was calling for.  It was this man that was holding her.  “I was afraid that I was not going to get the chance.”

Still in so much pain, he had to hold her up right.  He kissed her soft pink lips.  He danced his tongue around her mouth and milked those little mewing noises out of her.   He groaned when she bit his bottom lip.  She  wanted to be closer.  She straddled him and despite the pain in her stomach, chest, and shoulder, she stayed there.  She had only her underwear on and his thin pants left very little to the imagination.  His erection stabbed her through the underwear.  There was so much heat coming from him she was sure it could melt ice.  Slowly she lowered and raised herself, rubbing his pleasure with her own through their clothes.  “Kitsune”, he groaned into the space between her neck and her shoulder.

She felt him flex between her legs and his tip hit her clit.  She jolted and her back arched inward pressing her large breasts into his chest.  He lowered her onto his lap with hands on her hips.  His erection stood like a pole as she positioned it between her moistening folds.  She rocked back and forth, her legs shaking uncontrollably.  They weren’t even touching and she could feel how large he was and how wet and empty she was.  He rocked his hips in rhythm with her motions.  She moaned loudly when he rubbed the small of her back and gripped her bottom with firm hands.  

She pulled his tunic over his arms and head and kneaded his chest with her nails.  He kissed her neck as his hands fumbled through her hair.  She was rocking hard against his erection.  She wanted to stop, this was odd and wrong but she need this.  He pushed his erection into the barrier of her underwear as she rocked, prodding her and making her grind her pelvis against his.  He was panting heavily and gripping her bottom with one hand while his other was being guided by her to her breasts.  She forced his hand under her brassiere and onto her bare breast.  She moaned and tightly gripped his hips with her thighs.

Maker he is so beautiful, she thought as she admired his face.  His amber eyes were half open, his brow furrowed, the muscles in his shoulders tensed and relaxed as he gripped and released her breast and bottom.  “Alistair”, she gasped as they rocked on the bed together.  “Alistair”, she moaned again.  The warm tingling feeling was rising in her stomach.  It was growing more intense with every squeeze of her breast.  She clawed his shoulders and bit his earlobe as her orgasm overtook her body.  The waves of ecstasy shuddered through her as he rubbed himself against her gushing sex.  She cried out and fell forward, her entire body convulsing and spasming on top of him.  “Maker”, she said through her moans.  “Alistair”, she panted as the convulsions slowed.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hard.  

He continued rubbing against her, he was searching for his own release under her.  Alistair moaned once against her lips when she licked them.  He grinded against her sensitive folds harder and faster.  She felt him tense and squeeze her breast and bottom too hard, she gasped in pain and shock.  “Easy, Alistair”, she moaned.  He didn’t release his grip on her and she winced as he thrust upward against her.  “Alistair, please let go”, she tried to pull him off of her but she could not overpower him.  “Ali-”, he released the hand on her breast and moved it to cover her mouth.  

He didn’t speak he just continued to thrust against her soaked underwear.  The hand gripping her bottom was sure to leave a bruise as he squeezed it even harder.  She screamed under his palm as he bounced her up and down on his lap with his thighs.  His grip on her was no longer causing her pain but adding to the all of the sensations she felt.  She could feel herself slipping into ecstasy again.  He grunted and groaned as his legs began to tremble beneath her.  Her legs shook involuntarily as she was sent into a second powerful climax.  She screamed out his name but it was muffled under his calloused palm.

Alistair thrust against her a few more times, drawing out every spasm of his orgasm.  She could feel the hot and sticky substance soaking through his pants and onto her underwear mixing with the liquids of her orgasms.  He released his hold on her and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist.  They both panted as they embraced each other, coming down from the ecstasy they were just in.  

When they had finally caught their breath Alistair said, “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

He had a bit but not in a way that she didn’t enjoy.  “No”, she said.  “That was…”

“Strange?  Weird?  Crazy?”

She smiled.  It was all three of them but it was also, “Amazing.”

They both jumped as the door to the hut opened.  Morrigan and her mother stood in the doorway, taking in the scene of the two almost naked and sweating Wardens embracing each other.  “If the two of you are quite finished”, the old witch said.  “The stew is ready.”  She stirred the liquid in the large cauldron over the fire.

Morrigan crinkled her nose in what Kitsune could only assume was disgust.   

The two Wardens released each other but Kitsune didn’t get up until the two apostates filled their bowls of stew and left the hut.  She looked down at her underwear they were soaked and sticky.  She noticed Alistair’s pants were also soaked and sticky.  “We do not have any other clothes do we?”, she asked.

Alistair shook his head as he tried fruitlessly to wipe away the massive spot on his pants, “We left everything in our tents in Ostagar.  We can’t go back there.”

She had almost forgotten about the battle at Ostagar.  Duncan and King Cailen.  She realized that Wynne might be gone as well.  “What are we going to do?”, she asked as she sat back on the bed.  Her wounds were still quite sore.  

Alistair sighed, “Morrigan may have something you can wear but as for me, I think I may have to wash these.”

“Not that.  What are we going to do in general?”, she wiped away tears that were beginning to form.  

“We will stay here until you are ready to travel and then I think we should take the treaties to Arl Eamon in Redcliffe.  He’ll be able to help us.”, Alistair gave up on his pants and slipped them off.  It had soaked through to his underwear as well and he shook his head.  

There was a wooden tub and washboard in the corner near a window.  “Put your armour on”, she said as she took her underwear and brassiere off and slipped on her robes.  There were holes in her white and purple robes where the three arrows had struck her.  She turned away as Alistair slid on his armour and tossed his dirty pants to the floor where his tunic lay.  

“This is incredibly uncomfortable”, he whined as he poured some of the stew into two bowls.  They sat on the bed side by side and indulged in their supper.  When they had finished Kitsune went outside of the hut to speak to Morrigan and her mother.  She thanked them for saving them.

“You are most welcome, Warden”, the old witch said.  “Someone has to save us from this Blight and I fear you two are all Ferelden have left.”

Kitsune felt a great deal of responsibility when the witch said this.  “You would not happen to have

something else for me to wear would you.  I do not need this constant reminder of my failure”, she said as she gestured to the arrow holes in her robes.    

“Morrigan, child.  Find something of yours for this girl to wear.”

She obeyed her mother and escorted her back inside the hut.  Morrigan rummaged through a chest and

pulled out a series of clothing.  “I’m not sure which you would prefer.  You may pick.”

Kitsune looked at the clothes.  She was unfamiliar with clothes that were so, revealing.  She had only ever worn the robes provided for her by the Circle.  Morrigan’s current attire was nothing but a hooded vest, leather pants, and a tiny brassiere so there was no surprise that her other clothes would be just as revealing.  

“There’s not much there is there?”, Alistair said from the bed.  

Kitsune snickered when Morrigan shot him a dirty look, “Forgive me, Templar but we apostates do not feel the need to hide our bodies.  Less the Maker smite us for showing our ankles.”

“Ha.  Funny”, he said as dry as he could.  “Kitsune, you aren’t really going to wear this stuff are you?”

“What else would you like for me to wear?  I left all of my robes in Ostagar”, she looked over the clothes.  There was a pair of leather breeches that was torn a bit at the thigh and a brassiere that would cover most of her large breasts.  She turned away from Alistair and slipped off her robes.  The pants were a bit loose on her and a little too long but she could stuff the excess into her boots.  The brassiere fit her nicely for something made to fit humans but it left her stomach and arms exposed.  “Do you think this is okay?”, she asked Morrigan but Alistair was the one who answered.

“Honestly, it looks amazing”, he smiled at her.  “If you want to be killed!”  His smile faded and turned to a grimace, “You can’t wear that!  ‘Oh hello Mister Archdemon, I am here to kill you.  How do my big breasts look?’”  He mocked her in a very cruel voice that was in no way like her own.

Kitsune put a hand on her hip, “I do not wear armour so this is just as practical as wearing my robes.”

Alistair rolled his eyes.  “Don’t complain to me when you’re cold at night.”

“Thank you, Morrigan.  You have been more than kind to us.”

“You are more than welcome.  You are a fellow mage and a Grey Warden”,  Morrigan left the hut without a word to Alistair.  

“I believe you offended our host”, she said to him.  “You should be more polite.”

“Polite?”, he asked incredulously.  “She’s been nothing but nasty to me since we’ve been here.  You

were asleep so you didn’t hear the way she spoke to me.  She’s so mean.  I can’t wait ‘til you’re feeling better so we can leave.”

The wash tub was full with water and a jar of lavender sat on a shelf near the window.  She soaked their dirty clothes in the water and sprinkled a bit of the lavender into the tub.  She scrubbed the clothes against the washboard.  “Alistair?”

“What?”

“Do you want to talk about Duncan?”  Sweat was already beginning to form on her brow.  

“You don’t have to do that, I know you didn’t know him as well as I did”, he spoke quietly, barely above a whisper.  

“He still meant something to me”, she said, wringing out Alistair’s tunic.  “It might help if you talk to me.”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.  “I wish I had been with him.  I know it sounds foolish but I just wonder if he was alone, if he was scared when it happened.”

“He was not alone.  I am sure he never left the King’s side.  He saved your life by sending you to the tower.”  Her wrists hurt from vibrating against the washboard.  

“I know.”  He tried to hide the tears in his voice but she knew he was cry.  “I just wish I had something of his.”

She wrung out his cotton underpants.  “You have your memories of him.”

“It’s not enough”, he covered his face with his hands and she watched as his shoulder trembled.  

“Alistair”, she got up from her knees and shook the water from her hands.  She stood in front of him and pulled his hands away from his face.  “It is okay.  I know it hurts.”  She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed his face to her bare stomach.  

He wrapped his arms around her back pressing his stubbly face further into her.  He had stopped crying after a few minutes.  “He said he was from Highever, I think.  I don’t think he had any family to speak of.”  He quivered as he inhaled deeply.  “Maybe when this is all over I will visit there.  I could make a grave for him.”

“I think he would like that.  Maybe I could come with you.  I have never seen Highever”, she pulled away from him and returned to the washtub.  She finished washing the clothes and hung them to dry by the fire.  The sun had set and the sounds of the deep Wilds were odd and unfamiliar to her.  Morrigan let the two of them have her bed but Morrigan made it clear that it was only until Kitsune’s injuries had fully healed.  

The bed was hardly big enough for both of them to lie in so they lie on their sides facing one another.  “Are you comfortable, Kit?”

She wrinkled her nose at the nickname, “Kit?”

“Do you not like it?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Then I will continue to call you just that, Kit.”

She grimaced, “Fine, then I will call you Al.”

He laughed, “Nevermind.  Kitsune it is.”

She thought of earlier when they were tangled in each other.  He had said he couldn’t make love to her but, he did whatever it was that had been to her.  He had said he wanted to be sure.  “Have you ever…?”

He raised an eyebrow, “Have I ever what?  Had a good pair of shoes?”

“You know what I mean”, she was growing impatient with his jokes.

“I am afraid that I don’t my lady.  Have I ever seen a basilisk?  Or ate jellied ham?  Have I ever licked a lamppost in winter?”

“A lamppost?”, she asked unimpressed by his analogy.

He smiled, “Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter, Kitsune?”, he put a lot of emphasis on every ‘l’ and ‘t’ in the question.

She rolled her eyes, “Once or twice.”

“That’s it?  And you didn’t lose half your tongue in the process?  I must say I am impressed.”  The sarcasm was thick.  

“Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?”, she asked impatiently.

He stopped smiling.  “I have never had the pleasure myself.”

She was not entirely surprised but she was indeed.  “But earlier, when we…”

He smiled nervously, “I...I’m not really sure what came over me.  I guess I was just desperate to feel something other than sadness.”

Her heart felt as though it was breaking.  He had used her.  Alistair didn’t actually care for her he just wanted a release.  What he said to her now made sense.  Of course he couldn’t make love to her, he would have to actually love her.  “I understand.  I guess it was just from being so overwhelmed by a near death experience.”  She was glad it was dark in the Hut so he couldn’t see her tears.  “I am sorry it went that far.”

“It was quite amazing, though.  Cullen’s a lucky man.”

“What?”, she raised her voice.

“He’s the ‘lamppost’ isn’t he?  You said that you loved him.”

She rolled over.  She couldn’t see him very well in the dark but she didn’t even want to face him.  “I told you I thought I loved him.”  He must have heard the tension in her voice because he remained silent until she heard him snoring lightly.  “I thought you might have loved me too”, she whispered to the darkness.  She shut her eyes tight and fell into the Fade.  


	10. Amaterasu and the Highwaymen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's not mangy

They spent two more days in the witch’s hut in the Wilds.  Morrigan’s mother Flemeth healed her wounds. When Kitsune had finally recovered from the injuries and now only tender scars remained.  She packed a bag of food, water, two bed rolls, and a tent.  One tent.  They were leaving, heading toward Redcliffe to take the treaties to Arl Eamon as Alistair had suggested a few days before.  “Do we have everything we need?”, he asked her as he adjusted the straps under his armour.

She had not forgotten the pain he caused her the other night but now was not the time to mope.  “Yes, I believe we are ready to go”, she tied the pack closed and tried to lift it but it was much too heavy.

“Let me”, Alistair chuckled and lifted the large pack over his shoulder.  “Here you carry this”, he said as he tossed her white oak staff to her.  

She felt useless.  He was carrying his sword, shield, and the pack with a week’s worth of food and water in it.  She strapped the staff to her back.  

Flemeth and Morrigan waited for them outside of the hut.  It was almost noon but it was hard to tell in the Wilds.  “So you are off then, the last two Wardens of Ostagar”, Flemeth said as they stood before her.  

“Thank you, Flemeth”, Kitsune said as she bowed before her.  “You have done so much for us, how can we ever repay our debate?”

A sly smile formed on the old witch’s mouth, “You can take my daughter with you.”

“What?!”, both Alistair and Morrigan said in unison.  

“Mother, you can not truly mean this.  What purpose could I serve these Grey Wardens?”, Morrigan looked to her mother in shock.

“These two must find away to end this Blight.  Without them all will perish, even I.  They need all the help they can get.”  Flemeth seemed to be extremely serious about Morrigan joining them.  “You have always wanted a reason to leave these Wilds, girl.”

“I-”, Morrigan began but she cut herself off.  “You are right, Mother.  Allow me to gather my things if you will”, the young apostate said to Kitsune.

“I have already taken the liberty of packing some things for you.”, Flemeth said as she followed her daughter into the hut.  

“Do we really have to bring her along just because her mother says so?”, Alistair asked once the door had shut.  “She’s an apostate!”

“We need all the help we can get, Alistair.  She will be a useful ally”, Kitsune stared fiercely at him.  

“If she doesn’t kill us in our sleep.  What if this is all a scheme between the two witches.  She sends her daughter off with the only remaining Grey Wardens and she kills us before we ever get to Redcliffe.”

He was being absolutely ridiculous now.  “If they wanted to kill us why did they save us and bring us here?”

“I don’t know, they’re mages.  They’re all crazy”, his eyes grew wide when he saw the look on her face.  “I didn’t mean it like that.”  He put both hands up in apology.

“We are all crazy?”, she repeated her voice thick with anger.  “That is how you truly feel about us, is it?”  

He sighed and smacked a palm to his forehead.  “No, I-”

“Once we get to Redcliffe”, she was trying not to yell at him.  “We will give the treaties to the Arl and I will return to the Circle.”  Why would she think he would be any different?  He feared mages just like all of the Templars.  At least in the Circle she was among her own kind.  “There is nothing left of the Grey Wardens anyway.”

Alistair didn’t speak, he just kicked at the dirt.

She wasn’t sure if she meant it but she wasn’t about to apologize.  

Morrigan returned with a pack on her back and a solemn look on her face.  “I am ready, Warden”, she said directly to Kitsune.  

“Which way to Redcliffe?”, she asked Alistair.  

“North but I’m not sure how to get out of the Wilds”, he said without looking her in the eyes.  

Maybe she should apologize.  He was still mourning the death of his Captain, no his friend and his King.  But not now.  “Morrigan?”

“I will lead us out of the Wilds.  I suggest we stop at a small refugee town not far from here to stock up on supplies.  I am positive we will run into wolves and darkspawn alike.”

Kitsune wasn’t sure if Morrigan was sad to be leaving her mother.  She wasn’t even sure if this was the first time she had actually left home.  She didn’t feel like talking right now and the look on Morrigan’s face told her not to ask.  

They got out of the Wilds without being attacked by anything.  Morrigan suggested that the recent Darkspawn victory must have allowed them to move on, out of the Wilds and spread further through Ferelden.  They were not mindless monsters, they knew that the Grey Wardens were their main enemy and they destroyed them.  

The sound of a dog barking drew Kitsune’s attention away from the cruel words she had spoken to Alistair and onto the road ahead of her.  She knew that bark.  “Amaterasu?”, she called out.  Could he really be alive?  How did he survive?  “Amaterasu!”, she ran ahead of Morrigan and Alistair.  

“What is she doing?”, she heard Morrigan complain.

Kitsune broke into a sprint, disregarding Alistair’s command to stop.  “Ammy!”  She saw the dog a few yards in front of her.  His ears perked up.  He turned to her and as a mangled black monster lunged for his throat.  “Ammy!”, she screamed as she pulled her staff from her back and cast Winter’s Grasp on the mangled monster.  It froze and Ammy scrambled to his feet and limped towards her.  

“Kitsune!”, Alistair shouted from behind her.  

She crouched and checked the Mabari’s throat.  “It is only a scratch.  You will be fine.”  She patted the dog on his large head.

Alistair unsheathed his sword and shield and sliced the head off of the frozen animal.  “There’ll be more.  They’re Blight Wolves.”

Blight Wolves?  She had never seen one before, it was terrifying.  Just as Alistair had said, they heard the howls and growls of nearby wolves.  

Morrigan appeared behind her.  “You ran off for this mut?”  

She ignored her and started preparing a fire spell.  The Blight Wolves surrounded them, there were five of the horrifying beasts.  She shot flames at one on her right as Morrigan shocked the two behind them, killing them instantly.  Kitsune admired just how powerful the apostate was.  

Alistair fought the two wolves in front of them.  Before she or Morrigan could cast another spell to kill the wolf gnashing its teeth at Alistair’s shield, Amaterasu had ripped out it’s throat.  Blood splattered across the Warden’s shield, armour, and face.  Ammy’s face was drenched in red.  

“Don’t run off like that again”, Alistair said forcefully.  “You could have gotten killed.”

“If I had not have run off Ammy might be dead”, she said defensively as the dog ran over to her happily wagging his tail.  

Alistair made a sound somewhat like an irritated growl, “Maker’s breath.”

She ignored him.  She couldn’t just ignore the Mabari’s barks.  He was hers now.  She rubbed the Mabari’s blood soaked head.  “How much further until we get to the town, Morrigan?”  

“Twenty minutes or so.  But I think it unwise to go into an unfamiliar town with half of our party covered in blood.”, Morrigan looked between Alistair and Ammy.  

As if the dog understood Morrigan he began licking the blood off his mouth and nose.  There was still the matter of the blood on his head.  Kitsune pulled a canteen from her hip and poured water on the dog.  Much like Alistair had done for her when she had Darkspawn blood in her hair.  After the Mabari was cleaned, he ran over to Alistair and barked twice.  

Alistair raised an eyebrow, “You are not licking me.”

Ammy barked again.  

“We do not have enough water to clean you off, Alistair.”  She couldn’t help but smile at the idea of Alistair being licked clean by the dog.  

He sighed, “Fine!”

Immediately after being granted permission, Ammy propped himself on his hind legs and easily placed his front paws on Alistair’s shoulders and started licking the man’s face.  A few licks and he was clean.  Ammy cleaned his armour and shield as Alistair wiped his face with his leather gloves.  When he was finished Amaterasu growled menacingly.  

“T-Thank you?”, Alistair formed it as a question, unsure if that is what the dog wanted.  

Ammy barked happily.  

Morrigan rolled her eyes, “We now have a dog and Alistair is still the dumbest of our group.”

Kitsune laughed but Alistair’s face was set in a grimace.

“Morrigan?”, she felt like talking now hopefully the apostate did to.  

The mage merely looked at her out of the corner of her yellow eyes.

“Is Flemeth actually your mother?”, she remembered the name but she could place the book it had come from.  

“She is in the sense that she raised me, fed me, and cared for me”, she retorted.  

“I see”, she thought carefully about her next question.  “Why does she think you can help us?”

Morrigan didn’t break her strides as she said, “I can shapeshift.”

Kitsune almost tripped over her own feet.  “R-really?”  She knew some mages could do it and to be fighting alongside someone that could excited her.  “What does it feel like?  Can you shift into people?  When other animals see you, do they know you are shapeshifting?”

“So many questions”, Morrigan chuckled.  She proceeded to explain what it was like to change her form.  “There is no better feeling than run through the Wilds as a spider or a wolf.”

“Spider?”, Alistair chimed in.  “No wonder you disgust me.”

Morrigan crinkled her nose.  

They came to the entrance of Lothering, there was a group of armoured men standing guard.  “Highwaymen”, Alistair said under his breath as the group of seven approached.  

“Oi!  If you be wanting to get into town there’s a fee of 50 silver”, said the man who seemed to be the leader.   

“We are sorry to disappoint you ser but we do not have much money”, Kitsune said as politely as possible.  Which wasn’t true they had about ten gold between the three of them.  

The man shrugged, “Fair enough, elf.  We’ll accept whatever you have as payment for your toll.”

Kitsune heard Morrigan sigh and shift her weight impatiently.  “Tis useless to be polite to these fools.  Why not have a bit of fun?”

“For once I must agree with you, Morrigan”, Alistair said as he unsheathed his sword.

Ammy stepped from behind Kitsune, snapping violently at the group of men.  “A Marbari?”, the man closes to the leader said surprised.  “They’re aren’t many of those around Lothering, Boss.  Maybe we should just let them pass.”

“No, they need to pay the toll just like everyone else”, he retorted.  

“Let us pass and I will not have Ammy rip off your arms”, Kitsune said calmly.  Amaterasu snarled at the man.  

He swallowed and looked nervously between the two mages, the dog, and the warrior in a battle stance.  She knew his odds of walking away from this unharmed were unlikely and she was sure he knew as well.  People like him angered her.  They preyed on people who were too weak to defend themselves.  Just like the Templars in the Circle.  They were bullies, just like Knight-Commander Greagoir.  “You have to pay just like everyone else.  Your dog doesn’t frighten me.”

An unfamiliar feeling washed over her.  She had never killed a human but she wanted to see this man die.  The other six Highwaymen looked nervous but they obeyed their boss and unsheathed and prepared their weapons.  Both her and Morrigan aimed their staves and shot Arcane Bolt and poison respectively.  Alistair knocked down one of the men that swung his two-handed sword dangerously close to Ammy.  The marbari lunged for the leader, pouncing on his chest and snapping at his face, drool falling onto him.  He held him back, pushing the flat of his blade against the dog’s chest.  

Kitsune sent a wave of lightning into two archers who were a few yards away.  They fell and were left unmoving, she was unsure if they were dead.  Morrigan ignited the remaining three men with swords and axes.  They too fell to the ground but each of them rolled around screaming violently, trying desperately to extinguish themselves.  She knew Ammy was holding back.  He would not attack the man until she gave him the order.  With the other six men incapacitated, Kitsune stood over their leader who was still trying to keep the mabari hound off of him.  “Are you still not afraid of my dog, Highwayman?”, she said cruely.  This emotion she was feeling was very much unlike herself.  She was always reserved and silent, she was beginning to like the new her.

“P-please”, he begged as Ammy’s drool dripped onto his face.  “You can pass, you can pass!  Please just let me go!”

“Let you go?  So you can continue your thievery elsewhere?  Preying on innocent refugees.”  Kitsune watched Alistair who was watching wide eyed as she taunted the man.  She wondered how he would feel if she let Ammy kill the man.  Wondered, not cared.  

“Please, please just let me go”, the Highwayman begged, his brown eyes were watering.  

She stared down at him coldly.  He was a monster, a thief, and a fraud, he had no right to live anymore.  She opened her mouth to give the okay to Ammy but it was Alistair’s voice that silenced her.  “Let him go.”

“Why?”, she growled at him.  She had half a mind to ignore Alistair’s request.

“He can send a warning to others like him”, the look on his face was hard to interpret.  

“Yes, and he can just set up his little toll again in a different town”, Morrigan chimed in.  

Kitsune considered her options.  “Amaterasu”, she said.  The man under the dog whimpered quietly as the hounds ear perked up attentively.  “Give him something to remember us by.”  She watched as the mabari bit into the man’s shoulder tearing away a large chunk of flesh.  His screams echoed in her ears.  She didn’t flinch or even look away when the blood poured down his chest.  “If I ever see you again, Highwayman, he will rip out your jugular.  Tell that to everyone like you.  Show them the scar as proof that I will kill them all.”  

She walked away from the Highwaymen, leaving the leader to bleed and writhe in pain.  He would not die so long as he got someone to tend to it quickly.  That was not her concern.  

They were at the entrance of the town when Alistair stopped her and pulled her to the side.  Ammy tried to follow but was deterred by the fierce look on the Warden’s face.  He gripped her wrist and pulled her several yards away before he spoke.  “You were going to kill him weren’t you?”

“Yes”, she said plainly.  She wasn’t going to waste time lying to him.  “I was going to have Ammy rip his throat out.”

“What is wrong with you?  We don’t just go around killing human beings!”, he shouted at her and she was sure Morrigan could hear them.  

“They were rats not humans”, she argued.  “They prey on desperate people who need food and shelter and they take whatever money they have!  If that is not a reason to kill someone I do not know what is, Alistair."

“We have more important problems than to worry about the unjustness of a couple of Highwaymen!”, his face was set in a solid scowl.  “We have a blight to stop!  We can’t save every refugee in Ferelden from a toll or two.  We can’t fix every problem we come across.”

“If we cannot fix every problem, then how can we end this blight?  How can we say we are Grey Wardens?  We are here to save the people of Ferelden not to ignore their problems and damn them along our way to the Archdemon.”  She wanted to kill the Highwaymen.  Maybe that was wrong but she knew Alistair would listen to reason if it was presented to him.  “If we can stop people like that, then we should do it.  Not ignore it and pretend that it does not exist.”

“This little lady has a fantastic mind”, said a gruff voice.  

They both turned to see the eavesdropper.  To their surprise there were two dwarves barely visible in the bushes near them.  “Pardon?”, she said.  She had never actually seen a dwarf in person.  They were taller than she thought but that didn’t mean much.  

The elder of the two dwarves spoke, his words coming through his big brown beard.  “Saw what you did to those petty thieves.  Serves them right for talking to Warden’s like that.  Name’s Bodhan and this here’s my son Sandal.  Say hello, Sandal.”

The younger and beardless dwarf said, “Hello!”, at his father’s command.

“What are two surface dwarves doing in Lothering?”, Alistair asked.  She was definitely glad for the distraction.  

“We’re merchants”, Bodhan said with much pride.  He looked them both over and looked beyond them to the Mabari and Morrigan.  “We sell our wares to those who have the sovereign.”

Alistair and Kitsune glanced at each other.  “Why were you hiding in the brush?”, she asked.

“Well, we saw your group getting feisty with those thieves so we thought we’d watch and wait”, the dwarf concluded.  

“Wait for what?”, Alistair questioned.  

“People who are in a hurry tend to leave things behind.”

She understood, “So you take other’s things and sell them to make a profit.”

“They won’t be coming back for them”, he said nonchalantly.

She shrugged.  Hopefully they wouldn’t come back.  

“If you’ll excuse us folks, we’ll be cleaning up that mess”, the dwarf said with a smile.  

After they had walked away Alistair said, “Does the other one seem… a little off to you?”

Kitsune grinned softly, “Do not be rude, Alistair.”

“What?  I’m just a little curious.”

She started to walk away, “We should be going.”     

His shoulders dropped, “You were right, Kitsune.  What you did was the right thing.  Kind of”, he smiled down at her.  “That's why I follow and you lead, isn’t it?”

She smiled, “We are in this together, Alistair.  Until the end.”

His brows knit together, “I thought you said you were returning to the Circle once we brought the treaties to Arl Eamon?”  

She shook her head.  “I was angry with you.  I did not mean it.”  

He tried to hide his happiness but failed, "I'm glad."

Ammy barked a few feet away from them.

She elbowed him playfully in the ribs, “Our company is growing impatient.”  She laughed as she watched Ammy running circles around Morrigan who was yelling something at the Mabari.  

Alistair rubbed his side.  “Yeah, she might turn him into a toad.”

“Get away from me you mangy mutt”, Morrigan said to Ammy.

“He’s not mangy”, Alistair called out.

 


	11. The Bard and the Caged Qunari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a brawl in the pub.

Lothering was a terrible place, there was nothing beautiful about it.  Human and elven refugees alike were suffering, children roamed without supervision, and the moans and cries of the sick and injured echoed.  This was much worse than she was expecting.  How could something like this be happening?  She was clueless about Ferelden, all she had ever known was the tower.  “Alistair”, she grabbed his arm abruptly, he almost lost his balance.  “Look”, she said as she pointed out a man surrounded by people who seemed less happy than the other people in this place.  

“Hmm”, he studied the group carefully.  They could almost hear the conversation.  One of them mentioned something about thievery and Kitsune started making her way over to them.  Alistair followed close behind,  “Kitsune, wait.”

She ignored him and joined the group of upset citizens.  “You can’t charge these ridiculous prices!  This is too much.  The people here do not have money for your stock.”  A woman wearing chantry robes was one of the people yelling at the man in the center of the group.  

“It’s thievery, what you’re doing!” A man said from beside the Chantry woman.

“If you don’t like the prices then you don’t have to shop here.  I’ve got to make a living too.”  The burly man at the center of attention was trying to defend himself.  

“You are taking advantage of the refugees!  They have no choice but to pay these outrageous prices!”  The Chantry sister was yelling at him now.   

Kitsune stepped between them before the argument could get anymore heated.  “What is the problem?” She asked the group.  

“This horrible man is charging ridiculous amounts of money for simple necessities.  The refugees have come here to survive but they are being robbed by this snake!”  She explained to the Wardens.  

“Who are you, elf?  Are you a refugee?  One of those who are too weak to defend themselves from a few hungry dogs?”, the man being ridiculed chided her.  

She glared at him and before she could make a remark Alistair’s large hand was around his collar, lifting him a few inches from the ground.  Ammy was snarling, behind her.  “We are Grey Wardens, merchant.”  She gave Alistair a look and he set the man down.  

“We have come from Ostagar, in need of supplies.  But if you have high prices then we must look elsewhere.”  She raised an eyebrow and waited for the man to speak, he only made a point of not looking at anyone.  “You do not want our business?  We need a number of things, which I am sure you have on hand but I will not buy from a thief.”

“Look, I’m just trynna make a living here.”  The man’s defense was weak.  

“At other people's expense”, the Chantry sister added.  

“I am sure if you lowered your prices you would get more business”, Kitsune said.  “Or you know, I do have a hungry dog.”  She looked to Ammy who was more than ready to snap at something.  He was still wound up from the fight with the Highwaymen.  

The merchant sighed, “Alright, I’ll lower my prices.”

The Chantry sister had a triumphant look on her face when she said, “Thank you, Wardens.”  She and the other man walked away, leaving them with the merchant.  

“I expect that my discount will be handsome”, Kitsune said.  

“Y-Yes of course, m’lady.”

They bought a few things from the man.  He had some white war paint she could use to paint Amaterasu, lyrium potions for the mages, a new sword for Alistair,  and a new dagger for Kitsune.

Amongst the four of them they decided they needed some food after the long day they’d had.  They sat down at the only empty table in the nearby pub and waited to be served a lacking meal of hot rabbit stew.  

Kitsune was sure the others had noticed the looks they were getting.  “It seems we are a popular group”, she said.

“Yes, well we are the people who got rid of those pesky highwaymen”, Morrigan said sarcastically.  “Maybe they are weary of us.”

The barkeep set bowls of stew in front of them and hesitated when giving Ammy his bowl.  “Barkeep”, Alistair addressed the him.  “Who are those men over there?”, he nodded slightly in the direction of the armoured men staring at them.   

“Them be the Teryn’s men, they are”, he said quietly wiping his hands on his apron.  

“How long have they been here?”, Kitsune asked.

“Bout two days.”  Before they could question him further the man walked away.  

Alistair had stopped eating his stew.  “Oh, what is it now?”,  Morrigan said impatiently.  “More pouting?”

“I’m not pouting”, Alistair whined.  

“You are pouting a little.  You need to eat”, Kitsune commented.

“I’m not pou- ugh!  If the Teryn’s men are here don’t you think they would be looking for us?”, he said still not touching his bowl.

Kitsune slurped her food loudly.  “It is not like we are hiding.  Let them find us”, she shrugged.  She sized them up.  There were five of them, one was probably an archer and the others were rogues and warriors with daggers and swords.  She stared at the biggest one, waiting for him to notice her gaze.  He did and elbowed the smaller rogue next to him.  They made their way over to her.  

“Oi, elf.  What’s a refugee doing with a nice staff like that?”, the largest man said.  

She looked at him over her spoon.  “Why do you care about a refugee?”, she set the spoon in the bowl and watched Alistair and Ammy shift their weight.  

“Something tells me you ain’t one”, his gaze landed on the white griffon Alistair’s breastplate.

“You are right”, he towered over her when she stood.

Alistair, Morrigan, and Ammy were all on their feet now.  The other men made their way over causing a scene in the pub.  “Who are you, elf?”, the large man asked.  

“I am a Grey Warden”, she said.  “So is he”, she nodded at Alistair who had his hand on his new sword.  She was sure he wanted to test it out.  

“Betrayers of the King!”, he shouted.   “We’ve been ordered to kill all Wardens on sight.”  

His men drew their weapons.  Ammy was snarling and snapping, Alistair too had his sword and shield out.  “You can try if you like.”  Kitsune and Morrigan readied their staves.  

Amaterasu was the first to attack.  He latched onto one of the warriors’ forearm.  He hollered trying to free his arm, that is what the Marbari wanted.  The more he struggled the deeper his teeth sunk in.  She couldn’t cast large spells in the pub.  Although the bystanders mostly lined the walls and some even managed to escape, it was too risky.  She stuck with her Arcane Bolt, first casting Rock Armor on herself.  The leader of the men thrust his sword at her cutting into her arm.  She didn’t feel it because of the spell but she noticed a bit of liquid trickling down her arm.  “Is that the only trick you know, bitch?”

Morrigan must have heard him because her form changed from a woman to that of a very large disgusting spider.  She knew some mages were capable of shapeshifting but she had never witnessed it first hand.  She was not alone in this shock, the Teryn’s men were also in awe, or maybe it was horror.  Multiple shrieks rang through the pub, coming from the bystanders.  

Before he could strike Morrigan, she shot webbing at him, keeping him held in place.  Distracted by the apostates disturbing form Kitsune almost forgot she was supposed to be fighting.  A thin man with dual daggers was striking Alistair’s shield.  His motions were fast, fluid and difficult to keep up with.  His speed got the best of Alistair, slicing his cheek.  Before he could injure the warrior further Kitsune decided against her previous decision and cast Cone of Cold on the rouge and the other warrior that Ammy was still attached to.  

Alistair quickly blocked an assault from the remaining rogue while Morrigan shot webbing at the archer who was aiming his crossbow at Kitsune.  Alistair disarmed his attacker, casting his blades to the ground in front of him and holding the tip of his blade at this throat.  With all of the Teryn’s men frozen, webbed, or disarmed, Kitsune relaxed out of her battle stance.  Morrigan returned to her human form, slightly out of breath, her brow damp.  

“Give us a reason why we shouldn’t kill you all and send your heads back to Loghain”, Alistair yelled at the man on his knees.  “Speak, traitor!”

She knew how much this meant to Alistair.  To him this wasn’t a man taking orders this was the man that didn’t come to the King’s aid.  This was the man that sent Duncan to his death.  “Alistair”, she said to him.  “Back away.”

Alistair gritted his teeth and pressed the sharp point into his throat until a drop of blood fell.  “I said speak!”

“Stop it!”, Kitsune screamed.  He wasn’t listening.  If there weren’t all of these witnesses she would let him kill them.  All of them.  She pushed him away and stood between the man and the angry Warden.  “Alistair, look at me!”  

The look in his eyes didn’t change.  She felt something pointy in the small of her back.  “Drop the blade or I will not hesitate to slit your throat.”  A woman was speaking, her voice was thick with a strange accent.  Kitsune turned her head to see the man on his knees with her own dagger in his hands.  Behind him though was a woman with short red hair.  Holding a blade to his throat.  “Drop it”, she said again.  

The rogue dropped the dagger but the woman didn’t move.  Kitsune forced Alistair out of the pub.  She shut the door behind him, leaving him outside alone to cool off.  The red haired woman released the rogue, throwing his head forward.  The two men she had frozen were beginning to thaw.  “I want you to take a message to Teryn Loghain”, she spoke to the leader who was still bound in Morrigan’s webs.  He groaned a response through the sticky silk over his mouth.  She grabbed the dagger and cut him loose.  “Tell him the Grey Wardens are coming to kill him.”  She melted the remaining ice from the rogue and warrior then cut the archer free from his webs.  “Stand up”, she demanded the man who had held the dagger to her back.  He wasn’t much taller than her but she still had to stand tall to backhand him across the face.  

She stepped out of the way and let the five of them leave.  She patted Ammy’s head who was sitting loyally at her side.  Kitsune nodded to Morrigan and they left the pub.  Alistair sat on the ground outside with his back against a tree.  She made her way over to him and pulled him to his feet.  “I would have let you kill them.”

He huffed through his nose and rubbed a hand on the back of his head.  

She noticed the cut on his face was still bleeding.  She touched it and he flinched.  “Hold still”, she said as she healed his cut.  It wasn’t bad enough to leave a scar.  She let her hand linger on his face.  She hadn’t touched him since that night in Flemeth’s hut.  There was no way she could really understand how he felt when he looked at those men.  It must have been similar to the feeling she got when she saw the Highwaymen.  “They are going to tell Loghain that we are coming to kill him”, she let her hand drop to her side.  “I am not sure if that was foolish or not.”

Alistair sighed and shrugged, “Who cares?  I want him to know we’re coming for him.”  

“Excuse me.”  Both of them jumped at the voice from behind them.  It was the red headed woman from the pub.  “You are Grey Wardens, yes?”

Kitsune nodded unsure what the woman wanted.  Perhaps a thank you.  “Thank you for stepping in when you did.  What is your name?”  

“My name is Leliana”, she said as she bowed her head.  “You do not have to thank me.  I was not going to stand by and watch as that man took advantage of your mercy.  He clearly deserved none.”  She smiled, “I do have a proposal for you, though.”

Kitsune glanced up at Alistair who had an eyebrow raised.  “Yes?”, she asked hesitantly.  

“I would like to join you”, Leliana’s face was full of determination.  

“Why do you want to come with us?”, Alistair asked.  

The girl’s face turned a brilliant shade of pink.  “I was told to.”

Now Kitsune raised her eyebrow.  “Who told  you to come with us?”

Without any hesitation she stood up straight and said, “The Maker.”

“The Maker?”, Alistair was unamused.  “And I thought Morrigan was crazy.”

“I understand why you may think I’m crazy but I know the path the Maker wants me to follow”, she replied proudly.  

“What does he want you to do?”, Kitsune questioned further.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want her to come along, she just was being cautious.  Being responsible for another person’s life was not something she was going to take lightly.  

“He told me I should follow the silver haired woman, she would save Ferelden but she needed my help.”  There was no sign of doubt or lies in her eyes.  

Kitsune shrugged, not knowing is she even believed in the Maker.  Leliana did save her life.  She might even prove useful in battle.  “Come along, then.  We are not staying in Lothering much longer.”

The woman’s face lit up, Alistair shook his head.  She knew he would have something to say about this.  He never let things go.  

Amaterasu took nicely to Leliana.  He licked her face until she was sopping with drool.  Alistair and Kitsune walked a little ahead of the rest of their party.  She knew Alistair was about to say something.  He always grimaced when he wanted to say something.  “What is it?”, she asked before he could ponder any further.  

He sighed and looked at their companions behind them.  “Are you really okay with this?”

She knew what he meant but she asked anyway, “Okay with what?”

“I mean, what do you think about our growing company?  You don’t really like Morrigan do you?  Do you trust her?”  

She didn’t feel threatened by the apostate.  She knew he did.  Being raised in the Chantry and almost becoming a Templar  didn’t help his opinion of mages that didn’t live in the Circle.  “I do not know much about her.  So far she has not let us down.”

“But the spider thing”, Alistair shivered.  “It’s gross.”

That’s right.  Morrigan was a shapeshifter.  She would have to talk to her about that.  “It is useful.”

Alistair gave her a repulsed look.  “Maybe but I don’t want her crawling near me like that.”

Kitsune laughed.  “What do you think about her?”

“She’s mean.  And overall, evil.  I don’t trust her.”

“But she saved us.  We would have died in Ostagar if not for her and Flemeth”, she was fine if he didn’t like but she deserved some of his trust.

He ignored her.  “What do you think about Leliana?  Do you think she’s crazy for saying all that about the Maker?”

She wasn’t one to doubt someone’s beliefs.  “No. If she truly believes in her dream then I do not mind her joining us.”  She looked up at him.  “You did tell me that two is not an army.  And she too saved my life.”

“I guess it’s not so bad.  But all women?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”, she asked.

“I’m severely out numbered”, he looked back at the others again.  

“Ammy is a boy”, she added thoughtfully.  

He laughed, “He’s also a dog.”

"What about me?"

"You're obviously a woman", he chuckled.  

"No", she laughed.  "I meant what do you think of me?"

"I think that you are very smart and brave.  A great companion", he didn't look at her when he spoke.  

She smiled to herself, "That is it?  Just a ‘good companion'?"  There had to be more than that.  She knew what she thought of him and there was no way he didn't feel the same in Flemeth's hut.  

"You make a fine leader", he said nervously.  

"Alistair...", she dragged out the syllables of his name.  

"You're very beautiful", his voice was barely above a whisper.  

"You think I am beautiful?"

"Yes, and a thousand other things you'd probably for hurt me for not saying", she laughed at how flushed he was getting.  He was cute when he was like this.  

"I would never hurt you", she said.  A bit more seriously than she intended.  It was true though.  Alistair was all she had now.  Morrigan and Ammy too.  But Alistair was the only one like her.  She didn't want to lose that.  

"Nor I you", he said with just as much seriousness in his voice.  

They were almost out of Lothering.  This place depressed her.  At some point Alistair had left her side and went to talk to Leliana.  He questioned her about her dream to almost no end.  On the outskirts of town, Kitsune noticed a very large man suspended in a cage.  She stopped to stare at him, her company continuing on without her

She approached the man, unsure if he was even a man.  “Hello”, she greeted him.  He didn’t respond.  Upon closer inspection she realized that he was in fact not a man but a Qunari.  She didn't know much about the Qun.  She knew that they had horns but this one did not.  "Hello", she said again.

He looked down at her.  His eyes were completely void of any emotion.  "Hmph", he grumbled.

"Why are you in this cage?"  She inspected the cage.  He seemed to be a very strong, but still incapable of breaking out.  

"I murdered a family", he said blandly.

She remained unwavering in her tone, "Why?"

"Why do you care?", he retorted.  "I murdered children."

"I do not care.  I was just asking you a question.  Would you like some food or some water?", she pulled her canteen free from her waist.  

"Why are you offering me these things?"

"How long have you been in here?", she avoided his question.  

"Thirty days.  Maybe longer."

"You killed children?", she was unsure if he was lying to try to scare her or if he was telling the truth.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I am a monster."

She didn't know what to say so she said, "What if I wanted to free you?"

"Why would you free a monster?", he asked.

"I have a use for a monster like you."  She wanted to take him with them.  He seemed powerful and unrelenting.  If he had really killed children, she was still unsure.  "What do you say?"

"If you can get me out.  But you won’t be able to.  The woman who has the key wants me to die."

"Who is she?"

"She is a woman of the Chantry, called the Revered Mother."

Kitsune smiled at the caged Qunari.  "I will speak with her."  She noted that he did not say a word as she walked away.  She had to run to catch up with the others who had never stopped.  "Alistair!", she called.  

Amaterasu turned and ran back to her at the sound of her voice.  He jumped around her.  "Where did you go?", Alistair asked.  "I turned around and you were gone."

"You did not think to look for me?", she questioned.  

"You are known for running off."

She explained her desire to see the Revered Mother.  "We were finally away from that wretched town and now we must return", Morrigan said, obviously annoyed.  

"It is terrible that someone has been caged for thirty days without food or water", Leliana added.  She was more than willing to help.  

"Then let's go see the Revered Mother.  This should be fun", Alistair said sarcastically.  

Kitsune neglected to tell them the part about him being a possible child murderer.  She wanted such a threatening man with them, she just wasn't so sure they would feel the same way.  


	12. Getting Bolder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you still have the nightmares?

Being inside the Chantry made her nervous.  Prayers made her nervous.  The idea of talking out loud about all of your hopes, dreams, and fears to nothing seemed kind of scary.  She never understood why it comforted people.  How did they know anyone was listening?  How did they know anyone cared?  There were so many people, humans and elves, praying and crying, pleading and worshipping.  It was all very unsettling.  Alistair looked uncomfortable as well.  “I hate these places”, he mumbled.  

She nodded in agreement.  They were getting some looks of course.  It was unusual for a Mabari to be seen inside the Chantry.  Their attire might also have been a factor.  “Ho there, friend”, a Templar stopped them.  “Not often we see Grey Wardens here.”

“How do you know who we are?”, Kitsune asked.  

He smiled, “All of Lothering is talking about the silver haired elf and the spider lady who made quite the scene in the pub.  The name is Bryant”, he extended his hand.  

Alistair took the man’s hand eagerly.  “Ser Bryant.  I’m Alistair.”

“Alistair?  Like the little ginger boy who was always being scolded for sliding down the banisters, that Alistair?”

He blushed as he answered, “That was definitely me.”

“I had heard Duncan recruited you before you took your vows.  The Grey Wardens must have seemed more glorious than the Templars.”  She noticed how uneasy Bryant’s comment was making Alistair.  

“You two know each other?”, Leliana asked.

“We’ve never properly met but I remember hearing about Arl Eamon’s charge making all the sisters want to pull out their hair”, Bryant smiled at Alistair.  

“Were you really that horrible?”, Kitsune asked.  She knew he had an unusual knack for annoying people but she could only imagine what he was like as a child.  

“I used to scream like a banshee in the middle of the night.  The sisters would come rushing to my room asking me what was wrong.  I would tell them I was just checking.  That place could get very quiet, very lonely”, he had a faint smile on his face.  “They never really forgave me for that.”

“Even as a child you were a nuisance”, Morrigan grumbled, her arms folded across her chest.  Being in the Chantry and surrounded by people that opposed her was making her uneasy as well, Kitsune noted.  

“You must have been quite the handful”, Leliana said.  

“Most of us speculated that the Arl brought him to the Chantry because he was too much to handle”, Bryant chuckled but it quickly faded.  “Now it’s the Arl that’s the handful.”

“What are you talking about?”, Alistair said with a concerned tone.  “What’s wrong with Arl Eamon?”

“You haven’t heard about what’s going on in Redcliffe?”, Bryant was utterly puzzled.  “Arl Eamon has fallen ill.  He’s been in comatose for almost a month.”

“A month?!”, Alistair raised his voice.  Whichever eyes weren’t on them already were now.  “What happened?”

Bryant shook his head.  “No one can really say for sure.  The Arl fell ill and now the Arlessa Isolde has everyone and anyone looking for the Urn of Sacred Ashes.”  

“I thought the Urn was just a myth”, Leliana said.  “Just a story.”

The Templar shrugged, “Lady Isolde is desperate to save her husband.”

Kitsune was sufficiently confused.  She had read about the Urn of Sacred Ashes long ago when she was still a child.  It had magical healing properties but that was just a tale. Alistair was the Arl’s charge before living in the Chantry?  It made sense now, why he wanted to go immediately to Redcliffe with the treaties.  “Ser Bryant”, she said.  “Where is the Revered Mother?”

“She is in her study but I must warn you, she is not in the most friendly of moods.”

“How wonderful”, Morrigan sighed.  

The Revered Mother's study was brightly lit and the walls were lined with tall bookshelves.  The only place that rivaled that many books was the library in the Tower.  The Revered Mother herself was an elderly woman with dark grey hair and thin pursed lips.  Leliana bowed in front of the woman with much respect in her voice as she greeted her with a quiet 'Revered Mother'.  The rest of them did not bow.  

She raised a suspecting eyebrow, "Two Grey Wardens and an apostate?  What brings such an unusual group to the Chantry?"

Kitsune was already unimpressed by the woman's attitude.  She had only just saw them she had no idea what is was they needed help with.  Wasn't the Chantry here to help people, not to cast judgement on those they don't know?  She figured it was these same beliefs that the Templars had.  “We have come to ask you to release the Qunari”, Kitsune said firmly.  She used the word ‘ask’ but she meant 'demand'.

The Revered Mother’s face twisted into a scowl, “You want me to release that murdering beast?”  Her nostrils flared with anger.  “Maybe you are unaware but that thing killed children.  Families!”

Kitsune squared her shoulders.  “I am aware, the Qunari told me of his crimes”, she said impatiently.  “I did not come here to talk about his sins, I want him released into my custody.”

She could tell the old woman was doing all she could to keep herself from shouting, "Why should I release that animal into your custody?"

Kitsune was not going to let this old woman intimidate her.  She was a Grey Warden, not the elven mage who was too afraid to speak.  "As Grey Wardens we have the right to recruit anyone in Ferelden. His crimes make no difference to me.  Will you release him to me?"  No one else had said a word yet.  Alistair was watching the Revered Mother, Morrigan was watching Kitsune, Leliana was watching the floor with her lips pressed in a tight pink line, and Amaterasu was watching something that skittered under a desk.  Kitsune wasn't going to outright threaten the Revered Mother in front of Leliana but she wasn’t sure if she had a choice.

The Revered Mother glared at her. “No”, she said flatly.  

Kitsune sighed audibly, “Why not?”

“That monster doesn’t deserve to be released.  He will die in that cage!”, she spat as she yelled.  

Kitsune wiped away the spit that landed on her cheek.  She walked away, hearing the footsteps of the others echoing behind her.  Damn that old bat.  Why won’t she just release him?   If the Maker was so gracious he would have him die at the hands of the Darkspawn.  

“You are going to give up?”,  Morrigan asked.  “Tis all you’re going to do?  Just walk away?”

“What do you want me to do?  Threaten her?”, she asked.

Morrigan shrugged.  “Why should I care?”

There was no way Alistair or Leliana were going to like threatening the Revered Mother.  Whether he wanted to admit it or not Alistair still respected the figures of the Chantry.  And Leliana of course was very devout in her faith.  Kitsune turned on her heels and walked back to the old hag’s study.  “Where are you going?”,Alistair asked.  She ignored him.  

“Revered Mother”, she said as she reentered her study.  

“Why have you returned?  You are all that I oppose.”  She seemed annoyed.  

“I want the key to the Qunari’s cage”, she demanded this time.  

“I already told you no.  Now leave, you are not welcome here”, she retorted.  

“I will not leave until you give me the key.”  She wasn’t leaving without that damn key.  “Give it to me or I will burn this Chantry to the ground.”  

She heard the sharp breath Alistair inhaled as he walked into the study.  “You cannot actually be threatening me inside my own Chantry?”, the old woman questioned..

Kitsune smiled, “I am.  Now give me the key.”

The Revered Mother scowled and removed the key from a desk drawer, she threw it at Kitsune’s feet.  “You are no better than that beast in the cage.”

Amaterasu picked the key up and wagged his tail.  “I am not the one that locked him in there.”

They returned to the caged Qunari with the key clutched between Ammy’s teeth.  “You’ve returned.  And with companions to help you mock me”, the Qunari said.  

“We have not come to mock you”, Leliana said.  “We’ve come to release you.”

Kitsune unlocked the cage.  The Qunari stepped out landing on the ground with a thud.  “What do you wish of me?”

“A thank you would be nice”, Alistair spoke up.  

“Why would I thank you?  I did not ask to be released from this cage.”

Alistair smacked his palm to his forehead.  “This should be fun.”

“What is your name?”, Kitsune asked.  

“Qunari do not have names.  We have only ranks.”

Shehuffed, “What shall I call you then?”

“I am called Sten by my people”, he folded his arms across his broad chest.  

“I am Kitsune, this is Alistair, Morrigan, Leliana, and Ammy”, she introduced them all.  

“What use do you have for a Qunari warrior?”, he inquired.

“Have you ever killed a Darkspawn?”

“Yes.”

“Good, that is what I need you to do”, she smiled and they made their way out of Lothering.   

They walked in silence through Ferelden.  Alistair pointed out the roads to Redcliffe as they came to each sign.  It wasn't until Ammy crouched low to the ground and started growling that someone finally spoke.  

"It's not Darkspawn", Alistair said.

She knew that.  She could sense them as well.  "Bandits", Sten said.   

Kitsune hadn't realized it but the Qunari was unarmed.  Hopefully he was good with his hands.  

Three men and a mabari hound painted blue appeared from behind the shrubbery.  Before Leliana, Morrigan, or herself could cast or fire an arrow, the two warriors and Amaterasu had taken out the bandits.  Sten had taken out two of them on his own, unarmed.  She smirked to herself, no sense in worrying about him being unarmed.  Unlike the others, Sten didn't wipe the blood off.  Instead he bent over the two dead bandits and studied them closely before taking the Steel Greatsword from one of them.  

"We should camp", Alistair called to them.  "It's getting dark out."

They set up camp just as night fell.  Morrigan had set up her own camp away from the others.She figured the apostate was not accustomed to being near people and decided to let her have her space.  The rest of them relaxed by the fire after they ate the meal that Leliana had hunted and Kitsune prepared.  She tossed the elk bones to the drooling mabari.  The last time she sat in front of a fire like this it had only been her and Alistair.    

“Leliana?”, Alistair said over the fire.  “Your accent, you’re from Orlais, right?”

“Yes, but my mother was from Ferelden.”

Kitsune stopped listening to them.  She was lost in her thoughts.  She looked up at the starry sky, thankful to finally see it again.  She wondered about the treaties and Redcliffe.  If Arl Eamon was indeed sick then what should they do with the treaties?  “Kitsune”, she heard Alistair say.

Her eyes snapped open, “What?”

“You fell asleep”, he said as he helped her up from the log she had been lounging on.  

“I was not asleep.  I was thinking.”

“About?”

She shook her head.  “It is nothing.  We should go to bed.”  She looked at the tents.  There were only four and three of them were occupied.  “I will sleep with Leliana, I am sure she will not mind.”

“It’s fine.  I’m taking the first night’s watch.  You can have your own tent”, he kicked at the dirt near the fire.  

“I think I will stay out here with you, if that is okay?”, she had no interest in sleeping alone and she didn’t want Alistair to be the only one staying up.  

She wasn’t sure if she saw a smile playing at the corner of his mouth or if it was just the shadows from the fire.  “Fine, but don’t think I’ll carry you to the tent if you fall asleep.”

They sat down on the same log, it was a little small and their legs were forced to touch.  Her face was growing warm but she was sure it was from the fire.  It almost felt like they were back in Ostagar.  She smiled to herself as she remembered when she fell asleep on him.  He had carried her to her tent then.  “What are you thinking about?”, she asked him.  She hoped he was thinking of that night in Ostagar too.

“Duncan”, he said.

Why would she expect anything else?  She touched the back of his hand, he turned it over and she drew circles over the callouses on his palms.  “What about Duncan?”

“How much I miss him”, he sighed.  “How lost we are without him to guide us.”

She nodded but she knew he didn’t see it.  She continued to trace the circles until she was grew tired of it and rested her hand in his.  She yawned quietly, trying to hide her exhaustion from him.  

“Why don’t you get some sleep?”, he asked.  

“I do not want to leave you out here all alone”, she said through another uncontrollable yawn.  “How much further until we get to Redcliffe?”, she asked trying to change the topic.  

“We should be there by noon as long as we leave at sunrise”, he looked down at her with a blank face.  “Go to bed.”

She shook her head.

He took his hand away from her and pointed to the empty tent.  “Go.”

She sighed and reluctantly got up and dragged her feet to the tent.  She patted Ammy on the head when his eyes popped open.  “Goodnight, boy”, she cooed.  She opened the flap of the tent and before going in wished Alistair a good night.  He smiled gently and continued to stare into the fire.  

She felt like she was drowning, every inhale was fruitless and only made her strain more.  Her vision was blurry and her heart was pumping fast.  Flashes of black and crimson scales were all she could make out.  Then the screeching started, the most violent sound she had ever heard.  She tried to cover her ears but it didn’t matter.  She could hear it calling to her.  Just like it had during the Joining.  The Archdemon.  

A firm hand on her shoulder propped her up as she coughed and choked, the drowning had felt so real.  “It’s okay”, he whispered.  “It was just a nightmare.  It wasn’t real.”  He paused for a moment.  “Well it kind of is.”

She could barely see him, it was so dark in the tent.  She trembled as she reached out and clutch the fabric of his tunic.  It still smelled like lavender.  “The Archdemon.”

“The dreams will stop eventually.  You should get back to sleep.  We have a lot of travelling to do in the morning.”

He tried to leave but she didn’t release him, “Stay with me?  Please?”

“S-stay in y-your tent?”, he asked nervously.

“I would feel safer if you slept with me”, she quickly added, “in here.”

“I have to finish my watch”, he said lamely.

“Ammy is out there.  Please, Alistair?”

He sighed and crawled further into the tent.  When he lie next to her she could hear how heavily he was breathing.  “Happy?”

“Very”, she smiled.  Gently she started lifting his tunic up his torso.  

“What are you doing?”, he asked incredulously.   

“You will not be comfortable if you sleep in this.”  She forced it off of him before he could protest further.  He didn’t speak, so she listened to the sound of his breathing.  She laid her head on his bare chest, she could feel the softness of hairs on her cheek.  “Do you have the nightmares?”

“Sometimes, not so much anymore.”  She heard the echo in his chest say.  

The warmer she got from him the heavier her eyelids got.  She snuggled closer to him, her almost bare breasts pressing into his arm.  “Go to sleep”, she whispered in his ear.  She felt him shiver so she wrapped her arm around him.  

“Goodnight”, he said but she was too tired to respond.

She awoke with her hair plastered to her forehead and Alistair’s arm wrapped around her shoulders.  At some point in the night Ammy had crawled into the tent with them and fell asleep against Alistair’s other side.  She watched them sleep for awhile wondering how she got this far.  Her life in the Tower seemed so far away now.  They had the treaties for the Circle, she wasn’t looking forward to going back to that damned prison.  She was startled by the sound of rustling outside of the tent.  The sun was just beginning to rise maybe it was just a wild hare.  She ignored it and tried to fall back asleep when the rustling got louder, closer, she figured she should check.  

Ammy jumped to his feet when Kitsune brushed against him while trying to grab her staff.  She put a finger to her lips as they stepped out of the tent together.  Alistair was sleeping so well she didn’t want to disrupt him if it was just an animal and it would make an early breakfast for Ammy anyway.  The orange glare from the rising sun made it hard to see more than a foot in front of her.  She could feel something watching her.  It felt like Darkspawn.  Before she could plan her strategy two large hands pushed into her back causing her to fall to the ground.  She heard the whistling of an arrow and looked up to find that it had imbedded itself in the Qunari’s chest.  

“Sten”, she said as he snapped the arrow off, leaving the arrowhead in his skin.  Ammy took off in the direction of the arrow and Sten was brandishing the Greatsword he got from the bandits.  The darkspawn came out of the surrounding woods and all she could think was how this was her fault.  If she hadn’t made Alistair stay with her last night.  “Get up”, she said aloud to herself.  She grabbed her staff and fought off the Genlock that was charging her.  She froze him in place as she scrambled to her feet.  An arrow pierced the Genlock’s frozen head.  She turned to see Leliana pulling another arrow from her quiver.  

Sten and Amaterasu were nowhere in sight and more Darkspawn were coming from the woods.  She noticed the Emissary to her left but she couldn’t move fast enough to dodge the fireball coming at her.  The force of the spell sent her across the campground, gravel tore at her back and arms.  She hadn’t had time to cast an armour spell.  She struggled to her feet.  There were so many of them now, she couldn’t count them.  She ran toward her staff which was knocked from her grasp when she was struck.  She picked it up and noticing it was much lighter than normal, she glanced down at it, it was broken in two.

Maker’s breath, she was useless without her staff.  Without it all she could manage was a weak Arcane Bolt.  She tried to run for Morrigan’s tent but the growing numbers of Darkspawn blocked her path.  Leliana was taking out as many of them as she could but she too was getting overwhelmed.  The elf was about to start praying when she heard the sound of a sword clashing ring through the air.  

He had on nothing but his leather pants, and his sword and shield in his hands.  Within seconds he was covered in Darkspawn blood, roaring with each of his strikes.  She looked around for Morrigan, a bolt of lightning led her sight right to her.  Everyone was fighting this hoard back but all she could do was watch.  The sensation of something getting closer to her made her turn around.  To her dismay a Hurlock stood towering over her with his curved blade about to come down on her.  She shut her eyes tight, not wanting to watch herself be struck down.  

When the pain never came and the sound of something cracking almost deafened her, she opened her eyes.  Alistair’s shield lie in splinters around them, blood looked as though it poured straight from the blade lodged in his forearm.  His feet were planted firmly in the dewy grass not letting the wound get the better of him.  She tried to cast but all she managed was a weak ball of light.  It only angered the Hurlock further, he removed his blade from Alistair’s forearm and raised it up higher than before.  Alistair’s large bloodied hand pushed her to the ground.  She watched in shock as the Hurlock’s crimson blade came down on the warrior’s back.  The sound of steel cutting through flesh, his cries as he fell to the grass, and the suctioning sound when the blade was ripped from him.  It echoed in her mind over and over.  

The Hurlock locked his yellow, merciless glare on her as she tried to get away from him.  Her hands and feet slipped on the wet morning grass, all she could do was raise her left arm to shield her face as he swung at her again.  


	13. An Eye For...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Losing a part of herself.

The blade sliced into her arm, she screamed, trying to get away before he could do it again.  The curved blade dripped red with her own and Alistair’s blood.  She looked from the Hurlock to Alistair lying still on the grass with blood pooling around him.    If he wasn’t dead she was sure he wished it.  She raised her right arm and shot spell after spell until suddenly, the Hurlock fell flat on the ground.  Two arrows protruded from his back.  Not wanting to waste anymore time, she scrambled to her feet and fell to her knees next to the badly wounded Warrior.  “Morrigan!”, she screamed.  She couldn’t cast this low on mana and without her staff, there was no way.  “Morrigan!”, her voice rang through the almost empty battlefield.  

The stone faced mage ran across the campgrounds, “Have you tried to heal him?”, she asked when she reached them.  

“I-I cannot”, she was trying to stop the bleeding with her hands, it wasn’t working.   “Please, do not do this to me”, she mumbled as she put all her weight on her hands.  “Do you have something?  A-anything?”, she searched Morrigan’s now concerned face for an answer.  

She hesitated for a moment before saying, “There is a lot of blood.”

“What?”, She didn’t have time for this.  “I know that!  He is going to die, Morrigan.”

She stared at her with cold yellow eyes.  “There’s enough blood.”

She couldn’t mean that.  Blood magic was forbidden, like many things, she had read about it but that was a book she’d stolen.  Her and Jowan were only children when they had flipped through the pages in the corner of the Apprentice Quarters.  “C-could that work?”  

The apostate shrugged her shoulders, speechless.  

Kitsune looked at her hands, she couldn’t see any part of them that wasn’t covered in red.  It was even pooling at her knees.  “Okay”, she said more to herself than Morrigan, “I have to try.”

“You could die”, she said.  

“He will if I just sit here.”

She focused on the blood, there was so much of it.  She didn’t know where his started or her’s ended.  If there is a Maker, please forgive me for this. She could feel her own energy in the blood.  It felt like power and fear.  She pulled at that, trying to separate hers from his.  She closed her eyes, it helped her concentrate.  His energy, it was fading.  She took the warm power from herself and forced it into the wound in his back.  Growing lightheaded and nauseous she forced herself to continue.  She opened her eyes to see the wound closing.  She couldn’t see for very long, her vision was darkening.  Her body felt as though it was going limp, only willpower kept her upright.  

“Tis enough”, she heard Morrigan say.  “You will die if you do not stop.”

She didn’t stop, not until the horrible, bloody, gash was closed completely.   Her body slumped back, Morrigan was there to catch her.  She couldn’t see at all now, she wasn’t even sure if her eyes were open.  

“Damnation”, was the last thing she heard from the apostate.  

Her heart beat felt so faint and far away.  There was a price for those that didn’t know how to cast Blood Magic.  She wasn’t a mage anymore, she realized.  She was a Maleficarum, someone who cast Blood Magic.  The most impure and vile of all the magic classes.  It was for a good reason, she tried to convince herself.  There was no other way.  She didn’t really believe that.  Anything, anything in the world would be worth seeing his smile again.  She opened her eyes slowly.  The tent she was in was dimly lit and a little cold.  She looked around for a moment before she brought her hands up to her face to study the dagger scars that were still there.  She couldn’t see out of her left eye.  She touched it, it was still there.  So this was her price?  Her vision in one eye for his life?  It was just.  

That didn’t stop her from wishing it wasn’t so.  She sat up slowly, having to turn her head more than normal to be able to see the whole tent.  She was alone but she could hear a voice just outside.  She heard the bard singing a quiet song over the crackling of fire.  Her entire body was weak but she got herself out of the tent.  With her good eye she saw Ammy who was already dashing toward her and Leliana sitting alone at the fire.  She gasped when she saw Kitsune.  “Thank Andraste you’re awake!”, she exclaimed as she hugged her.  Kitsune could hardly return the hug.  

“Leliana”, she breathed in the scent of burning wood from her red hair.  

The bard smiled a gentle and warm smile as she grabbed the mage's hand and led her to a small river.  She could see his silhouette wading waist deep in the water.  Leliana let go of her hand and Kitsune returned her smile,  “Thank you.”  Leliana returned to the camp as she entered the river, but not before slipping off the overly large tunic she realized she was wearing.  She wasn’t quiet about entering the water, she knew he could hear her, he didn’t turn around.  

In the dim light of the crescent moon she could see the scar that went down at an angle on his back.  Seeing it only made her remember how desperate she was, how worth it it was to lose half her vision.  She reached out to touch the scar but he turned around and her fingertips land on his stomach.  “Blood Magic!”, he shouted at her.  She hadn’t been sure how he was going to react.  “You saved me with Blood Magic!”

She dropped her hand, splashing water onto her face.  She tried to speak but he continued to yell.  

“Why would you do something so… so reckless?  Not to mention how wrong it is to use such magic!  How do you even know it?”, she couldn’t see him well, she didn’t want to.  

“It was wrong to save you?”, she challenged, ignoring his last question.  

“Yes!  If it means using that, then yes, it was wrong.”

She wasn’t expecting to be called a hero but this was not at all what she thought he’d say.  She risked everything for him, so he could scream at her about how wrong it was.  “I am sorry I could not watch you die!  I am sorry my staff was broken!  I am sorry I was too weak to heal you!”

He sighed loudly and turned away from her again.  It seemed like hours passed before he said, “I’m not worth your life.”

“I did not pay with my life.  Just half my vision”, she said with a joking tone.

“Morrigan said you might lose a part of yourself.  We just didn’t know what.”  He faced her again and studied her with amber eyes.  He grimaced when he noticed her left eye, she didn’t know what it looked like.  She looked down at the gently rippling river, her eye was completely white, no sign of the grey iris that had been there before.  She held her breath as his trembling hand touched her cheek.  He was going to blame himself for this.  Just like he did when Duncan died, just like when they almost died at the tower of Ishal.  “I’m so sorry I failed you again.”

She smiled under his hand, “You did not fail me.  The fault is my own.”

He raised a questioning eyebrow.  

“If I would have let you continue your watch…”, she trailed off and looked up at the thin moon in a cluttered sky.  His thumb on her chin brought her eyes to his.  

“Thank you”, he smiled.  

She exhaled a satisfied breath.  That was all she wanted.  She risked so much for him, she just wanted to know he was happy that she did.  His arms wrapped around her thin shoulders.  He smelled like grass and water, a smell she welcomed.  Warm lips pressed against her forehead, making her shiver.  It wasn’t until she pressed against him that she noticed he was completely naked under the blanket of the water.   

He pushed her away from his skin, muttering something under his breath.  She smiled up at him, “You do not have to push me away”, she put her palms on his chest and leaned on him.  

“We’re really, really close”, his breathing was ragged.  His chest rose and fell unevenly under her hands.  

She let her hands slip down his torso until they were below the water, lingering just above his manhood.  She was waiting for him to stop her, like he had in Flemeth’s hut.  He did nothing when she wrapped her hand around him.  He wasn’t entirely erect, yet her hand could hardly close around his width.  She started at the base and brought her hand up his length to where it ended just centimeters from pressing into her flat stomach.  She noticed he scraped his bottom lip between his teeth.  

Her hand moved back to the base and up to the tip until he was pressing into her.  There was so much of him.  She stroked him and listened to him inhale and exhale heavily.  The movements stopped abruptly when he leaned down to kiss her.  He rest in her hand as his mouth explored hers.  His wet hands tangled in her hair as he drew her closer.  She moved her hands to the back of his neck, her breasts pressing against his tight chest.  Kitsune moaned and hungrily traced his tongue with hers.

She had lost a lot for him and to know that he was grateful was all she could ever want.  She deserved this much, didn’t she?  A kiss in his arms.  His pleasure was pressing hard into her.  “Alistair”, she slurred and moaned his name as he worked his way down to her neck.  She closed her eyes as he bit her bottom lip when he untied her brassiere and tossed it to the bank nearby.  He kissed the hollow of her neck and cupped both of her bare breasts.  His thick stubble brushed against her chest making her arch into him.  Their eyes met for a brief moment and in that moment Alistair must have cleared his mind.  His lips parted as if he was going to say something but they closed immediately.  He released his hold on her and took a step back, the water separated them again.

It was hard to see in the darkness with one eye, she knew the look that would be on his face.  “Why do you keep doing this to me?”, she asked.  She covered her exposed chest, being naked was making her even more flustered.

“I-I’m sorry”, he said, “I just can’t take this sort of thing lightly.”

She growled her frustration, “Do not pull me in so you can push me away over and over.  It is not easy.”

“It’s not easy for me either!”, he exclaimed.  “I know any guy would love to crawl into a tent with you but I just can’t do that.”

“I am not asking for that!  I need to know what this is before I…”, go crazy.  She already felt crazy, all of this still felt like a terrible dream.  “Before I die for you without knowing how you feel.”

“I don’t want you to die for me”, his voice was barely over a whisper.  

“I almost have, twice now.”

“Don’t remind me.”  He grabbed her wrist and held it in his hand just above the water.  “You want to know how I feel?”

She didn’t move or speak, she just waited.  

“I feel like everything I say or do causes you pain.  I feel like no matter what, I can’t make you happy or keep you safe”, he let her hand fall in the water.  

She smiled weakly.  “You do make me happy, you only cause me pain when you push me away.”

“And what about this?”, he gestured toward her blind eye.  “This isn’t pain?”

She shook her head, tiny droplets of water fell from her hair making ripples around them. “It does not hurt.”  She poked the center of his chest with a long fingernail.  “We are Grey Wardens.  We are meant to stay together.”  

He smiled the smile that made all of this okay.  Knowing that smile was still here made it all alright.  Kitsune sunk low into the river until she was up to the tips of her ears in the water.  Her eyes closed and her lips tightly pressed, she let the water wash her.  When she came up for air Alistair was at the bank drying off and already dressed in his pants.  When she got to the shore he tossed her a large piece of fabric to dry off with.  She slipped the large tunic back on and stared up at the stars.  He was on her left but she couldn’t see him, this was going to takes sometime to get used to.  “Is this…”, he dragged the last word, “okay?”

“I think so”, she said to the sky.

“What will the others say, I wonder?  You know they’re going to talk.”

She shrugged, “Nothing happened, let them.”

Morrigan looked her over three times already.  She checked her for a fourth time, ensuring that everything other than her vision was working fine.  “Other than your eye and the scar from that Hurlock, you are fine”, Morrigan concluded.  Kitsune slipped her clothes back on quickly, she was still cold from the river.  “When are you going to stop trying to get yourself killed for that stupid oaf?”

Kitsune sighed, “When you stop insulting him.”

Leliana scoffed from over the book she was reading, “Surely Kitsune will die before that happens.”

Morrigan smiled a half-cocked smile.  “I have something for our fearless leader”

She turned her head to the side, unsure if she should be excited or afraid.

Morrigan left the tent and returned after a few moments.  In her hands was a beautiful birch staff.  “We paid that Dwarf and his odd son a high price for this staff.  Hopefully, tis worth it.”

Kitsune took it carefully.  It was much lighter than the one she had lost.  “Thank you, Morrigan.”

“Now, now”, she started motioning Kitsune and Leliana to the opening of her tent.  “Get out before you get sentimental.”

“She’s so kind, isn’t she”, Leliana said sarcastically.  

“She means well”, Kitsune smiled.  

Leliana looked her up and down as if four of Morrigan’s examinations weren’t enough.  “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Why did they not believe her?  “Yes”, she nodded.  “Weak, but I am fine.”

“Good”, Leliana said.  “I would hate to see you still suffering.”

Kitsune smiled, “Thank you for protecting me.  All of you were so brave.”

“But you were the bravest.  You never gave up, not even when your staff broke.  Quite the inspiration.”

They said their goodnights and went to their tents, she wondered if Sten was still awake, she wanted to thank him.  Alistair and a more than thrilled mabari waited inside her tent.  “Who is my brave warrior?”, she asked him.  He wagged his tail and nudged her hand with his large, soft head.  “Who is my other brave warrior?”, she looked at Alistair who was almost asleep.  

“Oh, I am.  I am”, he said lazily.  

She lie her head on the pillow next to him.  “How many times are you going to try to get yourself killed over me?”, she asked him.  He had risked his life for her, she hadn’t forgotten.  

He smiled sleepily at her, “The score is two to one”, he yawned and rolled onto his stomach.  “And I hate to lose.”

She snuggled against his shoulder, “Thank you”, she said.  He was already asleep.

She wasn’t tired yet.  She had slept for a long while.  She pondered what Redcliffe was going to be like, she tried to think of a way to thank Sten that he would understand.  The sound of Ammy and Alistair snoring in unison was comforting and made her eyes heavy.

When they started their journey to Redcliffe, Kitsune thanked Sten for taking the arrow for her.  She was given a firm glare and a slight nod.  She walked slower than the others, she felt weak and tired.  Morrigan said it should pass within a few days.  Ammy stayed close by her side while Alistair led them the last few miles to Redcliffe.  When the village was in sight, Alistair hung back and let her catch up to him.  He had that look on his face.  “What is it?”, she asked.

He nervously looked around, “I have something to tell you.”

She crossed her arms, she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like this.  

“I'm a bastard and before you start making any smart comments, I mean the fatherless kind", his face was bright red.

"Okay…”, she was an orphan, this wasn’t a new concept to her.

He sighed, "My father was King Maric.”

She stared at him wide eyed and completely surprised, “King Maric?  The King of Ferelden, that Maric?”

Alistair nodded sheepishly.

“Why did you not tell me this before?”, He knew the worst part about her but she didn’t even know who his father was.  

“I wanted to, I swear”, he rubbed a gloved hand over her arm.  “Whenever someone finds out I’m the king’s bastard they treat me differently.”

“I do not care who your parents are.  It would not have made a difference to me”, she was hurt that he thought her knowing this would change the way she felt about him.  

“You’re right.  I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”

“Are you hiding anything else from me?”, she glared at him.

He looked toward the waterfall in the distance, "This used to be my home for awhile, when I was boy."

"I thought you grew up in the Chantry?", she questioned.

"I lived in the castle for a while.  Until the Arlessa grew tired of the rumors that I was actually Eamon's bastard.  She sent me away to live in the Chantry."  He didn't have any resentment in his voice, maybe a bit of regret.  

“If the King, your brother, is dead… Then would that not make you…”

“No”, he cut her off.  “I want nothing to do with that blasted throne.  I’m just a bastard.  Being in line for the throne was never a possibility, that was always made very clear to me.”

They started to catch up with the rest of their group.  “You may be a bastard, Alistair Theirin, but you are a Royal Bastard.”

“Please, don’t start calling me that”, he groaned.  

“Apologises, your Highness”, she had a coy smile on her face.

“Ugh, I hate the way that sounds.”

She laughed loud enough for the others to look back at her.  “I quite like it.  It has a nice ring to it.”

Alistair groaned again.  

"Do you know who your mother is?", she had wondered quite often about her own mother.

"I was told she was some barmaid who fell for a King.  I have a sister in Denerim her name is Goldanna", he paused for a brief moment.  "Would you come with me to meet her?  I've always wanted to meet her...  Having you there would make it easier, I think."

"I...", she was shocked and humbled by his offer.  "I would love that."

He smiled that beautiful smile.  "The only thing I had of my mother's was her amulet.  When I was told I was going to live in at Chantry I got so angry I threw it against a wall and it broke.  I was such a foolish child."

"You were just a boy", she waved her hand as if to brush away his frown.  "You were angry, it was not your fault."  

"Yeah"

The village of Redcliffe was not as glorious as she thought it would be.  Actually it looked as though it had just been under a severe attack.  “Maker, what’s happened here?”, Alistair said as they walked up to the Chantry.  It was even bigger and more glorious than the one in Lothering.  Inside there were many children and elderly, whispers and cries.  

"They must be seeking refuge", Morrigan said.  "But from what?"

"I do not like this", Leliana added.  "Something is off here."

A man with short red hair and a braid tucked behind his left ear approached him.  Kitsune noted his stature and the sword in it's hilt.  "Welcome, friends.  What brings you to the Village of Redcliffe?  As you can see we are not in the best shape, at the current moment."

"Bann Teagan?", Alistair questioned.  

"Yes...?", the man looked him up and down.  "Alistair?"

She knew Teagan was Arl Eamon's younger brother, if Alistair knew the Arl it was no surprise that he would know his kin.

"I haven't seen you since you were the boy with the muddy pants and scraped knees, playing in my brother's palace.  Now here you are", he stared at the White Griffon on Alistair's armour.  "A Grey Warden of all things."

Alistair blushed at all the flattery.  "What’s going on here?", he asked.  "The village looks like it's been at war."

"Something of the sort.  I suppose you've heard about my brother's health.  Shortly after he fell ill, they started coming from the castle."  Teagan seemed deeply disturbed by whatever it was he was trying to explain.  

"They?", Kitsune pressed.  

"Corpses", he said in a cold voice.  

"Corpses?", Kitsune, Alistair, and Leliana said in unison.

The Bann nodded slowly, he seemed to be reliving something painful as he spoke.  "They've been coming every night since Eamon got ill.  We've lost so many."

"Why haven't you sent for help?", Alistair asked the obvious question.

Teagan explained there wasn't anyone to help them.  He refused to ask Denerim, Loghain was ruling and using his daughter, the Queen as a puppet.  "I trust nothing that man says.  He's a traitor."

"Maybe we can offer some help", Leliana said.

"Yes, we can go to the castle and find out what has transpired", Kitsune added.  

Teagan looked to Alistair and with a slight smile said, "I'm glad you're back."


	14. Giving In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A beautiful sunset.

Before they could make it up to the castle, they would have to help protect the village.  They spoke to Mayor Murdock and gathered a group of men and women who were willing to fight.  They placed barriers and blockades where they could.  “I think this is all we can manage”, Teagan said, dusting his hands off,   

“Let us hope this will be enough”, she said.  In the back of her mind she knew it wouldn’t be.  There was no way these barriers would hold up.  

“With a Grey Warden aiding our defense, perhaps all is not lost”, he smiled at her.  

“There are two of us Bann Teagan”, she nodded in Alistair’s direction, who was buying a new shield from a blacksmith.  

He shrugged, “He’s not the pretty one”, he smiled down at her.  

Her cheeks grew red immediately.  “I...uh…”, she didn’t know what to say.  She was flattered but this was hardly the time or place.  “Th-thank you, I suppose.”  Maker’s breath how was she going to get out of this?

Teagan chuckled, “Nothing like a blushing elf”, he mused.  

“Oh!  Alistair?  I will be right there!”, she hadn’t heard him calling her she just needed an escape.  “Sorry, my companion needs me.  Maker watch over you”, she said as she jogged over to Alistair.  

“Were you calling me?”, Alistair asked as he lifted the metal shield up with his left forearm.  

Slightly out of breath she said, “It is nothing.  A new shield?”

His eyes lit up, “Yes, It’s a little heavier than my wooden one but it shouldn’t turn to splinters”

“Good”, she said, remembering all the blood mixed in with those splinters.  All the blood and all the power.  She rubbed her left eye, there was a price for that kind of magic.

“Are you sure you’re okay to fight?  If you don’t think you can, you can always stay in the Chantry.”

She scoffed, “You think I can leave you on your own without a healer?”  

“I’m serious”, he groaned.  

“As am I”, she folded her arms.  She could see just fine, she was no coward.  

“Well, if it gets to be too much…”

She nodded.  The others approached them.  Ammy sat loyally at her feet.  “Come here boy”, she said as she pulled the white paint from her pouch, she’d held onto since Lothering.  She dipped two fingers in the small jar and drew lines down the center of the Mabari.  The paint branched out of the center lines down his back and she underlined his large dark eyes.  She rubbed her hands together to rid them of paint as Ammy barked his appreciation.  

Kitsune and Morrigan cast armour spells on themselves, then she cast a fire spell on the two warrior’s blades.  Leliana filled her quiver with arrows and inspected her bow closely.  Morrigan handed her fellow mage a Lyrium potion with a face that said ‘Use it wisely’.

She noted all of the fire that was around them; there were barrels of oil and next to that was a large bonfire.  It was meant for the archers to dip their arrowheads in the oil and then light them.  Fire was a fool proof method to kill the undead.  Sten stood with the tip of his greatsword planted in the dirt, the flames on it flickered upward and licked at his forearms which were placed lazily on the hilt.  “You are not worried about this battle?”, Kitsune asked him.  

He looked at her and remained silent.  

“Are you ever going to speak to me?”, she sighed.  

“There is nothing worth saying”, he said in his deep monotone voice.  

She rolled her eyes, “Is there not anything you like?”

“Killing”, he replied.  

“You are very good at it but, there is nothing else?  What about sex?”  All men loved sex, except Alistair of course.  

“Hmph”

She giggled, “Maker watch over you Sten”  She left his side and went to Leliana and Morrigan who appeared to be bickering about the teachings of the Chantry.  “Do you get along with anyone?”, she asked Morrigan playfully.  

“I have never understood why you people love to talk.  Tis but a waste of time, all of this idle chit-chat”, she complained.  

“Morrigan is just upset because I have been asking her if she believes in the Maker”, Leliana chided.  “You should see how flustered she gets”, the bard laughed.  

“Have either of you ever killed an undead?”, she changed the subject to a more serious topic.  

Neither of them responded.  

“I suppose they aren’t much harder to kill then a Darkspawn.  They’re already dead”, Alistair said as he swung his sword in the air.  

“Undead”, Leliana corrected.  

“Whatever”, he whined.

Everyone waited in patient silence for the undead to arrive.  

They arrived in large numbers, such large numbers that on several occasions they were very much overwhelmed.  Twice Sten cut one of them in two before they could attack her and for that she was thankful (she of course wouldn’t try to tell him that).  They were flooding them now, they were drowning in undead.  At some point Kitsune heard a cry from somewhere far away.  Above the clashes and clangs she strained to hear the tiny voice, “Chantry” and “Help” was all she could make out.  When she could, she broke away from the battle and ran over to the hill that led down to the Chantry.  

To her dismay it was crawling with the damned corpses.  She looked back at the knights and her companions, they were fighting the horde, they were busy here.  Someone needed to get to the Chantry, only a handful of knights and maybe a few farmers were down there.  She ran down the path as fast as she could, her heart was pounding against her ribs.  When she got to the Chantry she froze two of the undead that stood over an older man who was wounded.  She healed him and helped him back to his feet and shoved his sword back in his hand.  This was his home and it was still under siege.  

After so many spells she grew tired and strained, she drank the Lyrium potion and when it didn’t help she remembered what Alistair told her.  She glanced around, they managed to gain control of the battle but they were still severely outnumbered.  If she left now they wouldn’t stand a chance.  She shook her head, trying to shake away the dizziness and push through it.  Fire, ice, lightning, she cast and killed until she lost count.  Sweating and heaving she searched for an end, it was nowhere in sight.   For a moment she let her guard down and in that moment the undead knight came from her left and struck her with its bony hand, drawing blood and shock from the partially blind elf.  

She cried out in pain and frustration but when she tried to electrocute the monster her staff hit a suit of armour.  Where she expected to see Alistair she saw Teagan.  “You’re bleeding”, he said as he touched the blood on her face.  

She swatted his hand away, “I am fine.”  The scent of blood filled her nose.  She remembered all the power that surged through that blood, she couldn’t remember the fear.  It was intoxicating, she wanted so badly to use it again, she could end this battle effortlessly.  But at what cost?  Teagan and three knights had come down the hill to assist them.  Dawn was breaking and with it the last undead came down from a forceful bite from the white streaked marbari, they had won the battle.  

Once they staked all of the bodies on a pyre and watched the black putrid smoke billow into the morning sky, Bann Teagan gathered everyone in front of the Chantry.  He congratulated them on their victory and said a few words for those that had fallen, including Mayor Murdock.  When he thanked Kitsune directly, the Bann grabbed her hand and raised it high with his own as the townspeople cheered.  She snatched her hand away, this was no time to gloat in victory, the same would happen again tonight if they did not go to the castle.  Teagan walked their group to the inn and set them up with a proper meal and beds.  

As they ate Kitsune said, “Only mages can summon the undead.”  Both Alistair and Leliana looked at her as if she had just said the strangest thing.   

“She is right”, Morrigan agreed.  

“I don’t think there are any in Castle Redcliffe”, Alistair said as he chewed his food.  “At least not while I was there.”

“It is not all that impossible I suppose.  We should get some rest before we deal with anything else”, Leliana added thoughtfully.   

This had to be the work of a very powerful mage, or worse.  They each took their own bed.  Ammy slept on the floor between her and Alistair.  Sten’s feet hung off the bed as he snored loudly, she giggled.  She rolled onto her back and touched the cut on her cheek, she hadn’t healed it yet and honestly she didn’t want to.  She liked the way it stung when she touched it.  Her hands started shaking, Maker, what is happening to me?  Lying on her side she clasped her hands and smashed them between her thighs.  No more of this, no more blood.  The healing light glowed from her hand and the stinging pain on her face subsided.  Never again.

She awoke before anyone else.  The evening air was cool in Redcliffe, the wind carried mist from the waterfall.  She paced through the village, talking with the knights and villagers that fought valiantly in the battle.  Some of them thanked the Maker and some of them thanked the Wardens, she was honored.  She approached the hill near the waterfall as the sun was setting.  As she watched the sun she got the feeling she was being watched.  “You do not have to hide”, she said as she looked behind her to see the knight standing there.  “Bann Teagan”, she nodded as he walked up to her.  

“Do you mind if I join you?”

“No, by all means”, she gestured for him to stand next to her and watch the sunset.  “It is beautiful, is it not?”

“Yes”, he agreed.  “But I have seen things much more beautiful.”  

She didn’t want to ask what, she was sure she knew where this was going.  

“How did such a beautiful girl like yourself come to join the Grey Wardens?  I can’t imagine you did so willingly”, he crossed his arms as he spoke.    

“I did so willingly.  I am much more than a pretty face”, she kept her tone even and respectful.  

He scoffed, “An elven mage willing to give up her life for the sake of a land that doesn’t even welcome her kind.”   

“My kind?  What do you know of my kind, Bann Teagan?”, she didn’t let him finish.  “I am not an elven mage, but a Grey Warden and as such I swore an oath to protect Ferelden from the Darkspawn.  I am honored to be one.”

“Beautiful and passionate, you certainly are quite the woman”, he smiled down at her.  

“Is there something I can help you with?  There must be something you want from me if you keep telling me how beautiful I am.  How about we skip the small talk and get right to it?”, she put her hands on her hips and waited for a response.  

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.  It’s not often I find myself attracted to someone like you… it makes me nervous.”  He smiled weakly.  

She sighed, “You are not bothering me”, she waved her hand nonchalantly.  “There is no need to be nervous around me.  I do not bite.”  She giggled at her own joke and touched his arm.  He was attractive, after all what was the harm in talking.  “So”, she walked her fingertips over his armour.  “You think I am beautiful and passionate?  What else?”

He had a thoughtful look on his face, “You have magnificent breasts m’lady”, he stared hungrily at her chest.  

She didn’t feel uncomfortable.  His bluntness excited her.  She looked down at her black brassiere, she should really consider getting different clothes.  She bit her bottom lip, toying with the idea of letting him touch them.  Kitsune looked around, there was no one up on the hill and there was a mill nearby.  He grabbed her hand and lead her to the mill, she said nothing when he closed the door behind them.  Immediately, his hands were on her.   

He slipped his gloves off with his teeth and cupped one plump breast in each hand.  She moaned as he squeezed and massaged them.  Maker this was good, she needed this so bad.  When his massaging wasn’t enough she started removing his clothes.  Her hands were shaking and her heart pounding, her body had been aching for a man to touch her for so long.  Her mind was blurred, she wasn’t sure how she got to this point.  Though she wasn’t going to stop now.  When every piece of fabric was lying around the mill, Teagan backed her into a wall, his hands fumbling over her hips.  He turned her around and slowly he slid his rough hands down her thighs until he got to her mound.  

She knew she was wet, the second her brassiere came off she’d felt the familiar tingle.  He spread her folds making her moan in anticipation.  Please, she thought, please do not tease me.  She gasped when his fingers entered her.  Her moans came out as a shrill scream, she could hear him say something in admiration of her wetness.  His fingers worked her, the sounds of her approval getting louder.  Bent over, all the blood was rushing to her head and making it difficult to focus.  All she could think about was this orgasm that was building.  

Her thighs were trembling uncontrollably just as her walls began to clench around his fingers.  “Ma-maker!”, she exclaimed as she rode out her wave.  “Alis-”, she bit down on her lip.  It was his face she was seeing amidst all of those colors and stars.  She moaned in disappointment when Teagan removed his hand when her excitement had subsided.  She remained bent over, her bottom in the air and her face parallel with her knees.  She watched his feet through the space between her legs as he positioned himself behind her.  

With no words or hesitation he pushed into her.  “Ah”, she moaned.  “Mmm”, she was still sensitive from her climax.  

He grunted from behind her, his groans were quiet and desperate.  She had a feeling he had been holding this in for far too long.  He placed a hand on each of her hips and tugged her back as he drove in.  He was deep inside her, driving her wild all over again.  While he pumped into her she had a moment of clarity.  She almost called out for Alistair.  Maker how she wished for it to be him sliding in and out of her, getting slicker with each thrust.  Her body shuddered, she needed this.  Alistair had a thing for teasing her, turning her on and quickly pushing her away.  

“Maker”, he groaned as he spasmed inside her.  She felt her hole being filled with his orgasm.  A sudden wave of guilt washed over her.  He pulled out of her and quickly she snapped up, gathering her clothes and adjusting her hair.  “That was great”, he said once his clothes were back on.  

Cullen must have set her expectations high.  “It was”, she smiled a fake smile as she left the mill.  She thought the release would make her feel better, maybe she’d be able to get Alistair off her mind, she thought wrong.  Maker, Kitsune what is wrong with you?

“There you are”, his voice made her stomach drop.  

“Maker!”, she exclaimed.

“Whoa…”, he put his hands up in defense and took half a step back.  “Didn’t mean to startle you.  I’ve been looking for you.”

“Well, you found me”, her tone was loud and uneven.  She cleared her throat.  “What did you want?”, she started walking quickly away from the mill before Teagan came out.  

“I wanted to give you something”, he grabbed her wrist to hold her in place.

A gift?  For what?, she thought.  She jumped when she heard the mill door open and shut.  Alistair dropped her hand when Teagan greeted him.  

“Uh… hello, Teagan.”  She could see the understanding in his face when the Bann wrapped his arm around her waist.  

“Maybe we could do that again later”, he whispered in her ear, she was unsure if Alistair heard him.  Teagan was halfway down the hill before he spoke.   

“I’d noticed the way he’d been watching you but...”, his tone was even and low.  

“Alistair, nothing happened.  We were talking”, she didn’t know why she was lying.  

“Riiiiight, a beautiful girl and a powerful man, alone, hiding from everyone else, to discuss… what?  Battle strategies?  No?  To discuss the importance of the Chantry in times of war?  That’s not it?  Oh!  Maybe to discuss their love of fine cheeses?  No, no that’s definitely not it, those are things that I would do.”  He folded his arms and waited for a response.  

She laughed a sound that was more of a cackle, “Please tell me you are joking!”, she shouted the last word.  “I have no idea what you want from me.  I do not belong to you!  I can... I can lick as many lampposts as I please, Alistair Theirin!”

His face glowed red, his expression unreadable.  “Him, of all people?  Why does it have to be him?”, he groaned.

“You would have said that if it were anyone else”, she leaned against the mill door.  “Is his highness jealous of the lowly Bann of Rainesfere?”

She flinched when the palm of his hand slammed against the door.  “Do not call me that”, he said through gritted teeth.  

Sarcastically she curtsied, “Of course your Majesty.”  She wasn’t intimidated by him.  

“Kitsune, stop.”

“Whatever my King asks of-”, his leathered hand covered her mouth.  

His jaw was clenched, nostrils flared, but his eyes gave him away.  He looked hurt.  “Here”, he moved his hand from her mouth and shoved something into her chest.  

She took it and regretted everything she said when she looked at it.  An eyepatch, leather dyed dark grey to match her hair.  “Alistair I-”

He took it back from her and slipped it over her head.  She adjusted her hair and looked up at him with an apologetic smile.  He started to walk away, she grabbed his arm guard.  

“Thank you”, she said to his back.  

“Yeah”, he pulled his arm free and made his way back to the village.  

When he was out of sight she sunk to the ground.  Why was this so complicated?

They were all well rested with full bellies.  Today they were going to the castle.  Alistair was nervous about the situation, he had been mumbling reassurance to himself all morning.  Kitsune had told Sten and Ammy to stay behind and protect the village in case things went badly at the castle.  The Qunari agreed with half a nod and the Mabari whined his disapproval.  The rest of them would be heading up to the castle but first they would meet with Bann Teagan.  

They met him by the mill where she had been just twelve hours before.  Teagan had a sly grin on his face, she ignored him.  “Bann Teagan”, she bowed her head in respect.  

He glossed over her company and smiled  faintly at the uneasy Alistair.  “Thank you all for doing this”, he sighed.  “Do you have everything you need?  We have no idea how the things are at the castle, you should be prepared for anything.”

“We are thank you.  We-”, Kitsune was interrupted by the sound of hurried footsteps approaching.  Everyone turned to towards the sound.  

“Lady Isolde?”, Bann Teagan and Alistair said in unison.  

“Teagan!  Teagan… please you must come with me”, the blonde woman was out of breath.  Kitsune noted she had the same accent as Leliana.  “You must come back to the castle with me.”

“We were just about to go there”, Alistair said.  

“No it has to be Teagan and Teagan alone”, she glanced up at Alistair.  “Alistair?  W-what are you doing here?”  

“Nevermind that”, Teagan said.  “What is going on up there Isolde?”  

“I…”, she chewed her bottom lip nervously and looked between Kitsune and Morrigan.  “I cannot say.  Please you must come with me now.”

Reluctantly Bann Teagan agreed, “Alright, you go on ahead.  I’ll be right behind you.”  A brief look of relief crossed her face.  Lady Isolde made her way back to the castle.  “There’s a secret passage to the castle dungeons inside the mill.  I want you to go through there and meet us at the castle.  I don’t know what Isolde is hiding but I have a bad feeling about it.  Be careful in there.”

She and Alistair nodded and waited for Teagan to catch up to Isolde before they entered the  mill.  “Surely you noticed the way she looked at us”, Morrigan whispered to Kitsune.  

She nodded.  That look all but confirmed that it had something to do with a mage.  Leliana found the door on the floor that lead to the dungeons.  The passage was narrow, she had never had a fear of tight spaces but there was a first time for everything.  Alistair led the way.

 


	15. In Death Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I fed their pointy little ears to the hounds"

Kitsune nearly jumped out of her skin when Leliana squealed, “Ew!  Something ran over my foot!”  

Alistair sighed,  “It was probably just a sewer rat.”

Leliana groaned.  

“Or t’was a snake”, Morrigan added.

“Gross”, the bard squeaked.  

Kitsune laughed quietly to herself.

When they came to a barred door Kitsune froze the rusted bars and Alistair bashed them down with his shield.  They clattered loudly to the stone floor, she cringed as the sound rang through the dungeon.  “Blast it”, Alistair hissed under his breath as the corpses at the end of the hall directed their attention to them.  They were disposed of easily with a few spells, a few swings of a sword and a handful of arrows.  As the last one fell, a distant voice called to them.  

“Are-are they gone?”, she knew that voice.  She’d heard it many times  before.  “Hello?  Someone?”

She pushed passed Alistair who had been holding an arm in front of her.  She ran to the cell the voice had come from and with no surprise she found the source of the familiar voice.  “Jowan?  What are you doing here?”

“Oh!” he exclaimed.  “Kitsune?  What are you doing here?  What happened to your eye?  Did you really leave to become a Grey Warden like Irving said?”

She waved her hand to excuse all of his questions.  “Why are you in the dungeons, Jowan?”  She had a horrible feeling he was somehow responsible for all of this.  

“I... uh…”, he hesitated.  

“Out with it”, Alistair said impatiently.   

“I was hired by the Arlessa.”

Kitsune’s brows knit together, “What would she need a mage for?”

“Her son, Connor started showing signs of being a mage”, Jowan said slowly.  

“Connor?  A mage?”, Alistair was surprised.  

“She didn’t want him to be sent to the Tower, so she asked me to train him in secret, just until he got control of his powers.  I didn’t mean for this to happen”, he seemed genuinely upset.  

“You didn’t mean for what to happen?”, Leliana pressed.

“I’m the reason the Arl is ill.  I might’ve also been hired by Teryn Loghain to poison him”, Jowan looked at his feet as he spoke.  

Alistair roared in frustration and tried to grab the apostate behind the bars, “You sodding, piece of-”

“Alistair!  Enough!”, Kitsune pulled him back by his shoulders.  “Let us at least hear what he has to say.”  Alistair huffed and stepped back from the cell.  "Why did you leave the tower?"

Jowan shifted his weight nervously.  He looked to Alistair who was still standing close to the bars.  "My Harrowing never came.  I heard rumors they were going to make me Tranquil.  I was scared, Kitsune.  You were always there and when you left I was so lonely."

She scoffed, "You stopped talking to _me_.  I know I was being unreasonable at the time but I was hurting and you just stopped."  All of her feelings from the Tower were building up in the knot in her throat.  Jowan had been her best friend, the only one that cared about her.  They had grown up together, they knew everything about each other.  She never would have thought things would end up this way.  Her best friend was on the other side of a cell and she was a Grey Warden with an eye patch.  She sighed internally, how far they had strayed from that now.  

"I'm sorry.  I couldn't bare to see you like that with the Templar and then what Greagoir did to you.  You left so fast after that I hadn't a chance to say goodbye."  Jowan spoke as though he actually regretted not speaking to her.  

She looked away from him and to the scars on her hands.  She figured rumors would have gotten around the Tower at some point.  She was well aware she and Cullen weren’t the only two that had a relationship in that place.  Kitsune recalled when Jowan had told her about a Chantry girl named Lily.  That was during her time with Cullen so she remembered very little.  Alistair’s hand on the small of her back brought her back to the matter at hand.  Jowan had poisoned the Arl but that didn’t explain where all of these reanimated corpses were coming from.

“What about the corpses?”, Leliana asked.  

Again Jowan seemed reluctant to say, “Connor… he’s been possessed by a demon.”

Alistair lunged for the cell again.  This time he grabbed Jowan by the robes and pulled him hard against the bars.  “He’s just a boy, you monster!”

“Alistair, let him go”, she tried to pull him away,  it took both her and Leliana to remove him.  

“This is your fault!”, he pointed a gloved finger at Jowan.  “He’s an Abomination roaming free through the castle.”

“He’s not an Abomination”, Jowan defended himself.  

“Yet”, Morrigan added with her arms folded across her chest.  

Alistair pinched the bridge of his nose, “We need to go.”

“You can’t go!  There are corpses everywhere!”,  Jowan looked wide eyed at Kitsune.  

“You know we have to do something to clean up your mess”, she responded.  “I will come back for you when this is over.”  Without anymore words, they left Jowan.

She still didn’t know how he escaped the Tower.  She feared the worst.  They escaped the dungeon with only a few corpses attacking them.  Quietly, they made their way towards the sound of voices and crude laughter.  

“It’s coming from the throne room”, Alistair whispered.  

She’d had enough sneaking about the place.  She held her staff in her left hand and walked right into the throne room, the others followed suit.  The scene that greeted them was a disturbing one.  Bann Teagan was dancing around and humming an overly happy tune.  The Arlessa stood in horror as a little boy (whom she assumed to be Connor) was clapping along with Teagan’s song.  “Haha!  Amazing, Uncle!  You are the best court jester!  Don’t you think, Mother?”  The boy’s voice was distorted and nasty.  It sent chills up her spine.  It sounded just like the Abomination in the Tower.  The one that told her she was weak.  Connor noticed them then.  “Who are these people, Mother?  Have they come to put an end to our fun?”

Alistair extended his hand to the boy, “It’s okay Connor we’re here to help you.”

“No!”, he shouted.  “You want to take Father away from us!”

Alistair looked shaken.  Seeing the Arl’s home, his home, like this must have been difficult for him.  “Connor?”, Kitsune tried to speak to him.  “It is alright now, child.  We want to help your father.”

“Mother, look it’s an elf!”, he exclaimed excitedly.  “Mother do you remember what I did to our elven servants?”  The Arlessa chewed her bottom lip and looked away from Kitsune.  He looked directly in her eye when he spoke.  “I cut off their pointy little ears and fed them to the hounds.”

Her stomach dropped.  Every part of her being told her to kill the little brat but she knew it was not his fault.  Her upper lip twitched as she stared back at the possessed boy.  

“Kitsune”, Leliana was trying to offer her some comfort.  

An odd feeling washed over her then.  Her entire body felt stiff and her breathing shallow.  She tried to speak but failed to open her mouth.  She could only move her eye.  In her peripheral she saw Alistair was unusually stiff.  “Let’s play a game”, Connor said in his demonic voice.  Involuntarily she and Alistair faced each other.  She could see the muscles in his face twitching in an attempt to move.  His hand was trembling slightly, fingers trying to stretch towards his sword.  

“Release them!”, Leliana shouted.  She stepped in front of them, brandishing her long bow.  “Stop this, or I will end you.”

“You mustn’t do that”, Morrigan put her hand on the bard’s bow.  “He could make them do anything.”

“Anything indeed”, Connor growled and with a wave of his small hand Alistair removed his sword from it’s hilt.  “Cut off her ear”, he demanded.  

Alistair’s eyes darted between Connor and Kitsune as his blade moved unsteadily towards her ear.  “Stop!  Please!”, Leliana screamed.  “Do not do this!”  She drew her bow, the arrow aimed for Connor’s eye.  Before she could relax her fingers the Arlessa stepped in front of her son.  “Get out of the way!”, she said through gritted teeth.  

But it was too late.  She couldn’t move, she couldn’t scream.  A tear rolled down her cheek as she heard the blood drip onto the stone floor.  Amber eyes stared into her’s, all she found in them was guilt and fear.  She wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault.  She wanted to reassure him everything was going to be okay.  Even if her mouth could open she would just be lying.  The scent of blood filled her nose.  The urge for power was building in her, stronger than the painful throbbing at the tip of her ear, at least he hadn’t cut the whole thing off.

Connor’s maniacal laughter echoed in the throne room, the Arlessa stifled her cries.  “I can feel how much you want each other”, the boy’s voice was completely gone, it was just the demon speaking now.  “How beautiful, an elf and a human”, he paused for a moment.

Kitsune’s body moved towards Alistair’s blade, which was still pointed at her.  She stopped when its bloody tip dug into her chest.  She had to break free of the hold he had on them, he was going to kill them.  I am so sorry, Alistair, she tried to say, hopefully her eye conveyed that to him.  The blood from her wound held so much power.  She knew there were risks but she had no choice.  As if sensing the blood magic Morrigan stared at Kitsune with a look of disapproval.  She knew she was still weak from the last time, they both knew.  

Much like she had when she healed Alistair, she absorbed the raw energy from her blood.  She focused on the force that lied in the red liquid.  Her body was loosening, the hold was beginning to release.  The shift in power drew Connor’s attention.  

“The elf knows Blood Magic”, it was more of a statement than a question.  The demon sounded impressed.  Like pushing against a stone wall, Kitsune forced her power into the young mage.  She knew it was working when he started shaking his head as if he was fighting off the lure of sleep.  “M-mother?”, the only voice was Connor’s.  

“Connor?!  My baby!  It’s okay darling”, Isolde dropped to her knees and embraced her son.  

“Get away from him”, Morrigan warned.  

“Mother?!”, the demon was overpowering him again.  “What’s happening to me?  Make her stop Mother!”

Kitsune continued to push his power away.  She could move her hands now, Alistair dropped his blade.  

“Mother!  Please make her stop!”, the demon’s screams visibly shook the Arlessa as she backed away from the child.  Tears stained her face.

Blood started swirling around her, individual drops orbiting her hand.  She growled like she had dug herself out of a grave as she broke both Alistair and herself free from the demon.  The growl turned into a scream as she released an immensely charged bolt of lightning from her hands.  When the bolt hit Connor, he dropped to the floor with a sickening thud.   

“What have you done to my baby?  He’s just a boy!”, Isolde was on the floor cradling her son in her lap.   

Kitsune couldn’t answer.  Her knees buckled and she collapsed onto the floor.  Her body was seizing, convulsing uncontrollably.  She was conscience and she felt every moment of the seizure.  Her eye was open, she saw a blur that resembled Morrigan, she was kneeling by her side, jamming herbs in Kitsune’s clenched mouth.  “When will you listen to me?”, she heard the apostate say.  

The herbs slid down her throat and in a moment she stopped shaking.  Her breathing shallow and her brow sweating.  Morrigan sat her up, Leliana rubbed the back of the elf’s head.  Alistair was trying to console Lady Isolde.  

She got up slowly, her legs were weak and her head was pounding.  She stumbled over the Connor and his mother.  “Arlessa”, she said as she collapsed on the floor in front of her.  “I-I am sorry.  I had no choice.”  

Isolde looked at her with hate thick in her brown eyes.  “He is just a boy!”, she said through gritted teeth.  

Kitsune opened her mouth to apologize but the Arlessa’s hand across her cheek quieted her.  “Lady Isolde!”, Teagan exclaimed.  With Connor knocked out, the hold he had on him was gone as well.

“How dare you!  How dare you claim to save my son when all you’ve done is make things worse!”

“Isolde”, Teagan said sternly.  “Take Connor to his chambers.  Watch over him, if he awakes, send for  me.”  

The Orlesian woman did as she was told and carried her son out of the throne room.  Alistair helped Kitsune up, she wrapped her arm around his shoulder for support.   He held her waist when she started to slip from his shoulder.

“Take her to my brother’s study”, Teagan told Alistair.  “Let her collect herself.”

Kitsune looked to Leliana, “I will tell him everything we know”, Leliana said.  Kitsune was pretty sure Teagan had no clue about Jowan and he deserved to know who was responsible for this mess.  She let Alistair half carry her to the Arl’s study.  She was afraid to speak, afraid of what he was going to say.  

Her head was still pounding, the room was spinning.  She didn’t know if it was a side effect of the herbs or the aftermath of using Blood Magic again.  He set her on the desk, her legs dangling and palms digging into the edge.  She could feel fresh blood dripping on the back of her hand.

Gently Alistair took her chin and inspected her ear, he mumbled a curse and touched her forehead with his.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  She didn’t speak, afraid vomit would come spewing out if she opened her mouth.  “Can you heal it?”  She shook her head, she was much too weak for healing spells.  “We should cauterize it to prevent infection.”  He unsheathed his sword and held it out to her.  Unsteady hands held a small flame under the blade until the tip glowed red.  

He took his glove off and put it to her mouth until she took it, burying her teeth in it’s leather.  He brushed her hair back, she could feel the heat close to her skin.  She screamed into the glove, her nails dug into the wood of the desk when he pressed the blade to her ear.  The smell of burning flesh made her stomach lurch.  She felt the bile creeping up her throat.  She spit out the glove and swallowed hard.  

He pressed her face into his chest as she waited out the worst of the pain.  He wrapped her in an apologetic embrace.  If she was going to continue to use Blood Magic, she’s have to learn so properly, this toll was too much.  When the tremors subsided she pushed Alistair away.  “Go on”, she said.  

“What?”

“Go on”, she said with callous in her voice.  “Yell at me about using Blood Magic.”

He sighed, “You’re not going to listen to me.  Why bother?”

She stared down at her dangling feet.  “I did not have a choice.”

“There’s always a choice, Kitsune”, he lifted her chin and gently pecked her lips.  “It seems maybe this time you made the right one.”

“Are you saying you are okay with me using Blood Magic?”

“Maker!  No”, he exclaimed.  “It’s killing you.”

She shrugged, “I am not afraid to die.”  She didn’t know how sure of that she was.  

“You say that but…”, he turned his back to her.  

“‘But’ what?  If I learn how to cast it properly-”

“It’s not about that”, he said quietly.  “We don’t tell the recruits this.  If they knew they would never agree to the Joining.”  His tone was scaring her.

“What are you talking about?”, she turned him around by his shoulder.  

“The Calling”, he whispered.  “It’s how we die.  The nightmares start returning.  You hear the calling to go to the Deep Roads.  You fight the hordes until you’re overwhelmed.  If you make it that long, that is.”

She studied his emotionless face.  There was no hope, no fear.  “When?”

“Duncan said he was starting to have the dreams again.  They were getting worse each day.”

“Why did you want until now to tell me?”

“I wanted to end the blight with you thinking there was a reason to fight.”

She drew in a breath slowly, “Were you ever going to tell me?”

He shrugged, “If we both lived through the Archdemon.”

She slapped him.  Hard.  Across the face.  “Ow!”, he rubbed his cheek.  “What was that for?”

“For thinking we might not defeat the Archdemon.”

He smiled that smile that made everything okay.  

She raised her hand to smack him again but he caught it.  “Stop it”, he said forcefully, lacking the anger.  “What was that one for?”

“For not telling me sooner.  I deserved to know.”  She wiggled her hand free.  

“What if I told you I only kept it from you because I didn’t want you to be scared?”

She raised a doubtful eyebrow.  

“You were already fragile”, he covered the burnt part of her ear with her hair.  “I didn’t want to be the one who broke you.”  He rubbed his thumb across her lips, his eyes focusing on them.  

She stopped his hand with hers, their eyes met.  “You are the one who has been holding me together.”

He kissed her, long and hard, until his tongue swept across hers.  She moaned as he leaned her back on the desk, climbing on top of her until chainmail pressed tight against her skin.  He tasted sweet, like something she couldn’t remember at the moment.  

Her hands worked feverishly to remove his armour.  When all of it was scattered on the floor around the desk he trailed kisses down her neck, between her breasts, stopping at her exposed navel.  He looked up at her, the muscles in his shoulders were tight against his skin as he held himself up.  She brushed the back of her fingers against his beard, it had been awhile since he last shaved.  

“I wanted this to be right”, his breath was warm on her face.

“Right?”

“You know, in a tent.  Not on the Arl’s desk, with a little demon boy upstairs.”

“It is probably never going to be right, Alistair.”.

He smiled, “Well, I’m willing to give it a try if you are.”

She snorted when she laughed, “As if I am just a cheese you can sample and toss aside if you do not like the taste.”

He blushed, his head dipping down to the laces on her pants.  He untied them with his teeth.  “If you were a cheese  you’d be my favorite.”

She smiled a lazy half smile, “You do not know what I taste like.”  


	16. Better Than Cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She doesn't want to go home, she'd rather be Tranquil.

She lifted her bottom off the desk, allowing him to remove her pants.  His unsteady hands slid her underwear down. He touched the light silver hairs on her mound.  She spread her legs, embarrassment and excitement washing over her.  She was opening herself up to him, inviting him to do with her as he pleased.  His fingers slid effortlessly down her folds, he made a sound, like an animal who’d found his prey.  She kept her eye on the ceiling, too nervous to look at him.  

“Is it always so… slippery?”, his husky voice came from between her legs.  His breath hot on her stomach.  He explored her, lingering on the part that made her thighs twitch.

She moaned when he pressed his thumb against her swollen button, “Only when I am with you”, she arched her back towards ceiling of the study.  

“We’re always together”, she heard the smile in his voice.  

Her hips raised towards him, grinding against his motions.  “Exactly”, she was breathless.  She gasped when he stopped rubbing her.  “What are you doing?  Do not stop”, she whined.  

“I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.  Maybe if you told me what I should do…”, his cheeks flushed bright red.  

“You do not have to be embarrassed”, she tried to comfort him.  “I am nervous too.”

“You’ve done this before”, he grumbled.  

“Maybe so, but not with you.”  She smiled down at him from between her legs.

“What do you want me to do?”, he asked quietly, still unsure of himself.  

“Switch with me”, she began sitting up.  

“Wait a minute, I’m the man here.”

“And I am the experienced one”, she slid off the desk and gestured for him to lie in her place.  “Go on.”

Reluctantly and with pouty lips, he obeyed.  She climbed on top of him, straddling his hips, her sex just above his.  He tried to force her down.  She smacked his chest.  “Aw, come on”, he sighed.  “It’s not like I don’t know how to do it.”

She took his jaw in her small hand.  “I am in charge whether you like it or not.”

“In that case madam”, he chuckled.  “Please, do what you want.”

“Whatever I want?”, she leaned down close to his face.  She licked the space between his lips.  

“Um… so long as it doesn’t involve pain.  I’m not one for pain.”

She covered his mouth with her palm.  “Stop talking, Alistair”, she hissed.  With each of his hands in hers now, she placed them on her thighs.  The brassiere came untied and fell to the floor.  Her body was warm from the thrill of being naked and in a position of power when she noticed how entranced he was with her breasts.  “Touch me”, she demanded.  

His hands left her legs and cupped her breasts.  A lustful growl escaped her.  Her head dropped back, the ends of silver hair dragging across his thighs.  She scraped her teeth on her bottom lip.  “Touch me wherever you want”, she rasped.  She wanted him to explore her, get lost in her.  

His hands left her chest and tightly gripped her bottom.  “Maker’s breath”, he moaned when she rolled her hips, taking his covered erection between her slit.  When she was sure he was watching, she dipped a finger between her folds.  She rubbed her clit in tiny circles until she was mewling all on her own.  “Isn’t that my job?”, Alistair questioned.  

“I believe your job is to do as I say”, she moaned.  “Open your mouth”, she demanded.  

He obliged with only the faintest hint of hesitation.  She took her slick middle finger and put it on his tongue.  His lips closed around her as she slowly slid it out, his mouth wet and hot.      

She was panting, wanting nothing more than to feel him inside of her.  She pulled him up by his hair, a low groan escaped him.  Nose to nose he said, “Much better than cheese.”  She could taste herself on him.

The bulge in his pants pressed against her dripping folds.  Her kisses were clumsy, she wanted to savor this, take her time and remember everything; his smell (the faintest lavender), the sounds he made when she reached between them to run her hand along his length.  Her breath caught when he broke their kiss to prop himself up on his elbows.  

He was breathing heavily as he hastily unbuckled his pants and tossed away his armour and tunic.  Her eye was half open but she didn’t need two to see the statuesque god sitting before her.  The muscles in his broad chest beckoned her to touch them.  She dragged her nails along the curves of his abs.  He shuddered under her touch, his eyes only tiny slits.  She bent down and licked his tight stomach, tasting his sweat on her tongue.  His erection brushing the underside of her chin.  

She licked and sucked her way up to his shoulder, neck, jaw.  His breathless moans made her throb when her tongue glided across his thickening stubble, her folds sliding against his cock.  Her skin hummed in the places his cock brushed against.  He rested his hands on her waist, staring beyond the body in front of him.  He exhaled slowly, their eyes met.  She gave him an encouraging and patient smile.  She came down on him, his shaft sliding between her slit.  She settled on top of him, moaning into his chest.  He raised his hips, stretching her, filling her with himself, he shuddered.  He remained still for a moment, both adjusting to the sensation of  fitting together.  

When he finally  moved she whimpered, her nails clawing at his shoulders.  His thrusts were slow and deep.  "Alistair", she moaned.  At the sound of his name he bucked into her harder, pulling louder, lewd moans from her.   

She leaned down, her face resting on his chest, his chin in her hair.  His moans were muffled but loud enough to make her bite into his neck when he grunted her name.  She was drowning in him, his scent, his taste.  Maker, how long had she wanted him?  

As he entered her, her hole expanded to accommodate his size, much more of a tight fit than she had anticipated.  She was getting slicker, she felt it trickle down her thighs, down his shaft.  She was rocking with him now, sending the desk drawers tumbling to the floor.  As the last one fell, he tried to grab it but failed.  She giggled and turned his face back to hers, pressing her pelvis down onto his.  He had an intoxicated look on his face.  "What?", she asked, her voice coming out more alarmed than she intended.  

His expression softened, "Maker, you're beautiful."  He thrust into her making her yelp with pleasure.  "I am a lucky man."

On top of him she was exposed, she realized just how broken she looked.  Insecurity bubbled to the surface.  Her eye and now her ear.  She could feel every scar burn with terrible memories.  "Even with all of this?", she mumbled.  

He frowned and tilted his head, "What are you talking about?"  “His pumps slowed.

"My scars.  My eye, my ear?  I am not beautiful anymore", she felt crimson setting in her cheeks.  

He sat up, her legs on either side of him dangled off the desk, their bodies never separating.   Mindful of her ear he slipped the eyepatch off.  His amber eyes stared into the one she'd lost.  "It reminds me of how selfless you are.  Stupid, but selfless."  He kissed her cheek.  "It makes you even more beautiful."

He let the eyepatch fall to the floor and wrapped his large hands around her waist.  In his lap, he pulled her close to him, filling her deeper than before.  She forgot what they were talking about when he tangled a hand in silver.  He was sliding her onto him, then pushing her back until his cock was barely inside her.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Her moans developed into heavy breathing and unintelligible mumbling.  "Maker", she slurred.  The heat in her stomach was building, her head was tossed back, his mouth suckling her breasts.  She countered his thrusts with her own, driving him deeper, pushing him closer to that precious edge.  Her fingers skimmed across his back, touching the scar that usually made her heart sink.  Now it only made her want him more.  

"A-listair ", she was close to her climax, her legs quaked around him.  She bit into his shoulder to stifle her cries.  "Maker."  As the spasms flowed through her, her thighs squeezed his sides.  His thrusts quickened, he panted and groaned as her own sounds began to wane.  She felt him flex inside her then the heat of his orgasm filled her.  Her body relaxed as small aftershocks vibrated through her.  

He fell back on the desk, her head on his chest as they caught their breath.  She slid off of him, she felt their ecstasy drip from  her and onto the floor.  "I've always imagined it would be good but, Wow", he said as he hopped off the desk and collected their clothes from around the room.  

"You've always imagined this?", she laughed hard.  

"Oh... no, I didn't mean-", he sighed and chuckled.  "It is true though."  He tossed her clothes to her and began dressing himself.  Before she could agree, there was a knock at the door.  "Get dressed", he hissed.

There was no time to put his armour on.  He slipped his boots on and hopped towards the door.  He opened it and closed it quickly.  She threw her clothes on and pressed her good ear to the wood of the door.  

"I don't like having two Blood Mages in the castle, Alistair”, she could hear Teagan’s voice on the other side of the door.  “That one in the dungeons, he’s a friend of hers?”

“No.  Well, yes but not anymore, I think”, his response lacked confidence.  

Teagan scoffed, “Did it ever occur to you that she too might have been hired by Loghain?”

“What?  No!  Duncan recruited her from Kinloch Hold.  I know you’re upset and with much respect Bann Teagan I think you need some rest.  We will take care of Connor, we’ll find away to make him better”, there was a strained calm in his voice.  

She looked around the room for her eyepatch.  She found it next to the fallen desk drawers.  She slipped it on and cleaned up the mess.  As she picked up the last drawer she noticed something glinting.  It was an amulet, it looked as though it had been put back together, there were several cracks and a few chips.  She recalled Alistair talking about his mother’s amulet that he had broken.  She pulled it over her head for safe keeping.  

A loud bang came from the other side of the door, followed by the sound of scuffling.  She hurried over to the door, fearing Connor had awoken.  She swung the door open and much to her confusion, Alistair was on one knee, covering his mouth with his hand.  Teagan was standing over him, his nose dripping blood.  “Learn your place, Bastard”, he spat red at Alistair’s feet.  He glared at Kitsune and adjusted his tunic before turning and making his way back to the throne room.  She started after him, Alistair grabbed her ankle.  

“Don’t bother”, he said as he stood up.  He wiped the blood from his lips with the back of his hand.

“What happened?”, she asked trying to touch the cut on his lip.  

He pushed her hand away, “Nothing”, he went back to the study to put his armour back on.  He emerged moments later in his chainmail.

She touched the amulet around her neck, she wanted to say something about it.  “I found-”

“Are you feeling okay?”, he interrupted her.

“Y-yes”, she mumbled.  

She followed his strides back to the throne room.  

****

“How can we stop this demon?”, Teagan asked them.  He was directing the question at Kitsune but Jowan spoke up.  

“If we can go into the Fade, we can try to get him back”,  he was standing a good distance from Alistair, who was glowering at him.

“We don’t have enough Lyrium to enter the fade”, Alistair concluded.  

Jowan shrugged, “If we had enough blood we could-”

“Absolutely not!  No more Blood Magic!”, Alistair shouted.

“But I-”

“No, Jowan”, Kitsune spoke up.  “I do not trust you to cast any magic, let alone Blood Magic.  And I am too weak right now.”

“Then how are we going to get my nephew out of the Fade?”, Teagan rubbed at the drying blood that was still lingering on his face.  

“We can go to the Circle of Magi”, Alistair proposed.  

Her heart sank.  Go back?  She couldn’t go back there.  The scars on her hands started tingling.  “Alistair, If I rest for awhile maybe I could-”

“And what?!  Risk your life again?  No!”, his tone was concerned not angry.  

“He is right.  It is only two days journey to Lake Calenhad”, Leliana was staring at the tapestries on the castle walls as she spoke.  “Five days, maybe less.”

It wasn’t about the distance.  It was about the memories.  Cullen, Greagoir, there was too much pain there.  She looked up at Alistair, his eyes were pleading.  She sighed, “Fine.  We will get enough lyrium from the Tower.”  It wasn’t as if she had much of a choice in the matter.

“I will stay here, then”, Morrigan said with a satisfactory sigh.  

“You will?”, Alistair asked with a bit too much enthusiasm.  

“Yes.  I will keep an eye on the child and the Blood Mage”, she nodded in Jowan’s direction.  “I have never wanted to go to that awful place.”

It was settled.  They would leave Morrigan at the castle and just in case things went poorly, Ammy and Sten would stay in the village.  Alistair, Leliana, and herself set out for her home immediately.   

****

“The Tower was once your home?”, Leliana asked.  They had been walking for a few hours in silence.  

This was the last thing she wanted to discuss.  “Yes”, She didn’t go into further detail.  

“You don’t seem happy to be going back”, she wasn’t going to leave this alone was she?

Kitsune sighed, “No.  I have no reason to go back there.”

“Whatever turns one away from their home must be tragic”, she let the bard have the last word.  

She didn’t want to think about it.  This wasn’t like when she was a girl and burned herself trying to cast spells, she couldn’t just run back to First Enchanter Irving and have him make everything better.  The Circle broke her, she didn’t want to go back.  Going home was dangerous, going home made her want to be Tranquil.

****

Before the sun dipped beyond the horizon they set up camp in a lightly wooded area.  She was feeling anxious about going home.  Which led her to become frustrated with stacking the sticks for the fire when none of them would stay upright.  “Dammit!”, she screamed at the wood.  “Ugh!”, she dug her nails into her scalp in frustration.  

Leliana walked calmly towards her, “Here.  Let me”, she set the sticks in place.  “All set”, she smiled and gestured for her to light the fire.  

Kitsune flicked her hand but missed the sticks entirely and lit a pile of leaves on fire.  “I got it”, Alistair stamped the flames out before they spread.  She saw the two of them exchange a look.

“What?”, she asked, annoyed.  “If either of you have something you would like to say, by all means.”

“Kitsune, why don’t you and I go for a walk?”, Leliana proposed.

Her shoulders sagged.  “Okay.”

They walked until the woods were dense.  They were surrounded by trees.  “You don’t have to tell me why you don’t want to go home.  Just know Alistair and I won’t let anything happen to you.”

She stayed silent.  It wasn’t that she didn’t trust them.  She just didn’t think they could protect her from her demons.  

Leliana grabbed her hand, “Come over here”, she said as she dragged Kitsune to the center of a fairy ring.  “Take this.”  She shoved her bow into the elf’s hands.  

“I do not know how to use this.”

The bard chuckled, “Do not worry, I will teach you.”  Leliana directed her hands to their proper homes.  She drew an arrow from her quiver and placed it between Kitsune’s fingers.  “Keep your elbow high and your grip firm yet relaxed.  The key is to open your fingers slowly to release the bowstring.  Aim for that tree there.”  She pointed a long finger at an oak a few yards away.

She knew she couldn’t do this.  She was a mage not an archer.  She took a deep breath and followed each instruction carefully.  To no surprise she missed by about 10 feet.  “Leliana I really-”

“Uh-uh”, she pointed at the tree again and gave her another arrow.  “Again.  Until you hit it.”  It was almost too dark to see now.  She’d gone through every arrow in the quiver ages ago.  Scattered through the woods, they had to collect them and start again.  “Control your breathing.”

“I do not think I am getting any better at this”, she said as she drew the string back to her cheek, her elbow up at an angle.  

“Breathe.”

She obeyed her instructor and drew in a few breaths.  Her fingers relaxed, the arrow whistled through the arrow and nestled itself in the bark of the oak.  “Oh”, she was surprised by her small victory.  

“Fantastic”, Leliana clapped her hands together.  “I knew you could do it.”

When they returned to their campsite Alistair was pulling the skin off an unrecognizable animal, probably a rodent.  “Our talented leader has accomplished the first step in her archery training”, Leliana told him as she took over the skinning process.  

“That’s lovely”, he smiled sarcastically, “Now she will be twice the trouble.”

“Afraid I will beat you in a duel?”, she joked.  

“I recall you losing the first one”, he laughed.  

“And I recall telling you I would win the next”, she stuck her tongue out at him.  

“Glad to see you’re feeling better”, Leliana smiled as she tied their dinners legs to a spit.


	17. Not How You Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She felt safe with him, almost like she was home.

She lie on her back in the tent, missing Ammy’s warmth at her feet.  Alistair’s fingers combed through her hair.  “Why were you and Teagan fighting?”, she looked at him out of the corner of her eye.  

He snorted, “Fighting?  When did we fight?”, he met her gaze.  “He said something I didn’t like.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that he absolutely hates cheese.  Can you believe that?  How can someone hate such a wonderful food?”, his smile suggested this ridiculous lie was true.

Suddenly she remembered the amulet.  She sat up and pulled it over her head.  “How could I forget?”  She dangled the amulet in front of his face.  “I believe this belongs to you.”

He propped himself on an elbow and took the amulet gingerly in his hand.  “This is… my mother’s amulet?”, he had a confused look on his face.  “Where did you find this?”

Her cheeks grew warm with the memory.  “In the Arl’s study.  I was cleaning up and found it in one of his drawers.”

He inspected it closely.  “It’s been intricately put back together.  This must have taken ages”

“I think you mean more to Eamon than you realize.”

“Hmph”, he was grinning ear to ear.  “I’ll have to thank him if he- when he wakes up.  You remembered me telling you about it?  Usually when I talk people just ignore me.”

The truth was she clung to every word he said.  “Of course I remembered.  It is important to you, so it is important to me.”

He put the amulet back around her neck.  “I used to feel safe when I had it.  Maybe it will keep you from harm.”

She touched it, it seemed heavier now.  “It is all you have of your mother.  You should keep it.”  She protested but didn’t make an effort to take it off.  

He took her hand in his.  He sat up completely and reached for his pack and pulled something from it.  “Here”, he put it under her nose.  “Do you know what this is?”

She giggled, “Your new weapon of choice?”

He chuckled, “Oh, yes.  That’s right.  Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements!  Feel my thorns, darkspawn!  I will overpower you with my rosy scent!”  He waved the rose in her face as he joked.  He exhaled, “I found it in Lothering.  I saw it among all of that despair and thought; how could anything this beautiful exist in a place like this?  Then I thought of you.”  Her eyes grew wide when he put the flower in her hands.  It was cold to the touch.  “I had Morrigan preserve it with magic”, he explained.   

“Why did this make you think of me?”, she wondered to herself mostly.  

The back of his fingers brushed the warm skin of her blushing cheek.  “Because among all of this chaos, between the blight, the calling, and everything else, you’ve been the one thing that is constant.  You’ve been the only thing I can focus on.  When I’m fighting, be it darkspawn or not, all I can think of is keeping you safe.”  He laughed to himself, “Not that I’ve done a good job of that.”

Her eyes were burning.  Tears watered the rose in her hand before she could stop them.  

He lifted her chin, “There’s no reason to cry if you don’t like it”, he smiled softly.  Her trembling lips touched his.  When she pulled away she heard him say something in the most quiet of whispers.  

“What did you just say?”, she asked unsure if she heard him correctly.  

He coughed, “What?  I-I didn’t say anything.”

She raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure about that?”  Frost glowed in her hand.  

He put his palms up defensively, “Alright, alright.”  He coughed again and looked everywhere but her eye.  “I said… um…”

She cleared her throat as he procrastinated.  

“I said, I love cheese.”

“I see”, she set the rose down gently in the corner of the tent.  She lay her head back on the bed roll.  He joined her and she rolled onto his chest.  The frost in her hand inches from throat.  “Am I the cheese?”

He licked the tip of her nose.  “You are much better than that remember?”  She dipped her frosted hand down to his crotch.  He jumped and threw her off of him.  She laughed as he pinned her under his weight.  “You know I hate that.”

Now she licked the tip of his nose.  “I think I love cheese too.”  

His smile warmed her.   

They reached the Spoiled Princess half a day ahead of schedule.  It was not Kester who brought them to the Tower but a young Templar named Carroll who at first was resistant but with a little persuasion he was compliant.  She knew something was wrong.  There were too many templars.  She pushed open the large doors to her home.  The smell of dust, lyrium, and magic made her nostalgic and very quickly, angry.  She took one look at the place and knew something was definitely wrong.  She walked briskly to the closest set of robes and armour.  “Ser Templar”, she addressed him from behind.  “What is going on here?”  

The look on his face mirrored hers when he turned, shock, pain, and regret.  There was one thing different. There was longing in those honey eyes.     

She didn’t mean to swing at him.  Well, she did but she didn’t mean for him to stop her.  The feeling of his hand around her wrist sent her into a wave of fury.  She struggled to pull free.  He brought her into to his chest, his nose bending against hers.  She growled her displeasure and pushed away from him.  Her hands were pressed into his familiar armour, getting him away.  He looked her up and down, inspecting her appearance.  He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.  

“Uh…”, Alistair’s voice reminded her of why she was here. .  

Cullen’s eyes flicked to the two unfamiliar faces behind her.  His gaze lingering on Alistair for far too long.  He looked down at her, his hand still on her wrist, he let her go.  

She took a step back, fully aware of the snarl on her face.  “What is going on here?”, she managed to repeat her question.  

“I-”, he started to say something she knew she wasn’t going to like.  She glared at him and he continued with something else.  “There are Abominations all over the place.  Some of the mages are using Blood Magic to summon demons.  It’s a complete mess.”

Her heart sank to her feet.  This couldn’t be happening.  How could the Templars fail to keep the mages in line.? “Where is the First Enchanter?”  She was terrified to hear the answer.  

“The last I heard he was in the Harrowing chamber”, the Templar answered.  

She scoffed.  That was the last place he should be.  “What are you doing to fix this?”, she wasn’t entirely sure why she was blaming him.  “Or do you plan on running away again?”, she mumbled.  

The scar on his mouth twitched before he answered her calmly, “We are trying to get the situation under control but I fear the Knight-Commander wants us to get approval for the Right of Annulment.”

If her heart could sink any further it would have then.  “Knight-Commander?” Greagoir was dead she hadn’t stayed around long enough to know who had taken his place.  

“I went to Kirkwall”, he was telling her as if she cared.  Maybe a few months ago she did but now, she wanted him to disappear.  “Irving sent for Knight-Commander Meredith to help investigate the disappearance of Jowan.  When we arrived the tower was already overrun.”  

“You’re sure there is no hope for anyone in the towe?.  The Right of Annulment is a very serious situation”, Alistair spoke.  

Cullen’s eyes never left her.  “I’m not sure if there’s anything to save from beyond that door.”  He gestured to the doors that led to the Apprentice Quarters.    

“We have to do something”, Leliana urged.  “I am sure some have survived.”

Kitsune made her way for the door.  She didn’t care if there were several Templars standing guard.  Her strides were cut off abruptly by a large blonde woman clad in Knight-Commander armour.  “Where do you think you’re going mage?”, she said to her.  

“To save those you have doomed to die”, she spat at the woman.

“Pardon?”

“Move aside, Knight-Commander.”

“You see this door?  It’s sealed.  I will not risk the lives of my men because you want to save some of your friends”, she retorted.  

“Knight-Commander”, Cullen spoke up from behind her.  “Maybe we should let them go.  If there are survivors, they can bring them back.  We haven’t sent word about the Right of Annulment yet.  There is still hope for some of them.  Especially the children.”

Meredith dropped her firm demeanor for a moment.  “I will not allow them to go unattended.  You seem to think highly of them Knight-Captain, I trust you will guide them well.”

Kitsune glowered at his new title and at him.  He smiled innocently, all she could think of was how she wanted to add another scar to his face.  

The Templars guarding the door, opened it enough to let the four of them enter.  “I will not open this door unless it is yours of Irving’s voice I hear on the other side.  Meredith said to her Knight-Captain.  He nodded once as the doors sealed behind them.  

Everything was still on the other side.  It was eerily silent.  Cullen walked ahead of them, his sword drawn, his left hand glowing Lyrium blue.  Alistair walked beside her.  They exchanged a strained look of calm and remained silent as they walked down the halls.  

The sound of groaning and hushed wails had the four of them ready to attack.  Cullen held up a hand, signaling for them to stop.  Kitsune rolled her eyes and pushed past him.  She stood near the doorway, her back against the wall and her ears straining to hear.  She could hear voices; “How is your dinner darling?”, she heard a woman coo.  .  

“It’s wonderful dear, the children love it”, she heard a man respond.  

Cullen must have heard it too.  He moved her away from the door when the female voice grew louder.  “Would you like seconds?”

She pulled away from him, his hand on her skin, gloved or not, burned.  She slid against the wall and stood next to Alistair defensively.  “It’s a Desire Demon”, Cullen whispered.  

An unwelcome chill crawled up her spine.  Her oak staff in her hands, she enhanced their weapons with ice.  Alistair moved slowly ahead of her, careful to be quiet in his heavy armour.  He and the templar exchanged a look.  She made a hissing noise with her mouth to get their attention.  They both looked in her direction.  She pointed at herself.  She wanted to go in first.  If the demon saw a Templar there was no telling what it would do to the man it had captive.  

Alistair shook his head sternly, Cullen dropped his eyes and moved away from the door.  Alistair didn’t stop her when she walked in the door but she heard him sigh.  She planted her staff on the stone floor with a click to get the horned demon’s attention.  It’s yellow eyes caught hers, it’s lips curling back.  “Is there someone at the door, dear?”  The Templar who was under her spell asked.  

“I will get it love”, the demon was levitating inches from the ground as she made her way towards Kitsune.  “What brings such a lovely mage here?”, the loving voice from earlier was gone.  Now she sounded like the demon in Connor.  “Is there something you desire?”  The demon looked towards the door as she pushed silver out of the elf’s face.  

“Release him”, she demanded.  The grip on her staff tight.  

“He is happy.  Why would you want to take that away from him?”  It folded its arms across it’s chest, pressing it’s breasts together.

“That is a mirage.  It is not true happiness.  He deserves to be in the real world”, her patience were growing thin.           

“But the real world is a terrible place.  In the world I made for him he has a wife and children who love him”, the demon explained.  

She looked at the man; he had an awkward grin plastered on his face as he stood in a trance.  “It is not real.”

“It is to him.”  The demon challenged.  

“You want me to just leave him like this?  You want me to walk away and let you keep your little toy?”  A part of her started to question what was the right thing to do.  His  smile was creepy and off putting but it was also honest.  He was happy with his pretend family.   

“No harm will come to him if you let me keep him”, the Desire Demon was circling her now, it's long talon like nails scraping her bare shoulders.  “I love him.”

“Monsters are not capable of love”, Cullen was standing in the door frame with Alistair beside him and Leliana with her bow drawn.  

The demon snarled, her dark violet lips curling back, exposing yellow fangs.  “My darling!  Help me, please!  There are bandits trying to kill the children!”, it said in the female voice again.  

“Bandits?”, the enchanted Templar was enraged.  He brandished his sword and lunged immediately for Cullen.  “Go my love, take the children and run!”  Cullen forced his Templar brethren back with his sword.  

“You have to snap out of it”, he yelled at him.  “It’s possessed you!  You are a Templar!  Fight back!”

His words were wasted.  If any part of himself was still there, it was locked away, buried so deep he couldn’t reach the surface.  Cullen forced him back with the flat of his blade after taking a blow to the stomach.  

Alistair quickly positioned himself between Kitsune and the demon, holding his shield up anticipating a strike from the demon.  Waves of electricity came from her staff, reducing the demon’s movements.  Alistair stabbed it through the chest, between the breasts.  A pile of ash replaced the body on the floor.  

The Templar fighting off Cullen slumped to the floor.  Leliana ran over to check his pulse, “He’s alive”, there was relief in her voice.  

Cullen sighed as he sheathed his sword.  “Let’s go”, he ordered.  

She trailed behind them, watching the unconscious man’s chest rise and fall as if he were in a deep sleep.

Maybe it was wrong to take that happiness away from him.

“Kitsune”, he barked.  

He stood in the hall waiting for her to catch up.  “I do not need you to watch me, Templar”, she coated her words with as much annoyance as she could manage.  She hurried ahead of him, avoiding his eyes.  He pulled her back by her wrist but she tore it free.  “Or touch me”, she added.  His touch pained her.  

She hadn’t given it much thought until being back in Kinloch Hold.  She buried her emotions, stuffing them far back in the recesses of her mind.  The dreams she had were only tricks of the Fade, it didn’t really happen, did it?  Greagoir and the daggers, they were only a bad dream, a bad trip to the Fade.  The scars on her hands forced the truth into her reality.  Of course it was real.  Greagoir had really done that to her.  And he had helped him.

The fireball came whistling in their direction before any of the four of them could brace for it.  She lie on the cold stone floor, her ears ringing and her vision clouded by a veil of thick black smoke.  Her lungs filled with it, then expelled it violently.  

A deafening crack came with a vibrant blue light.  She knew this feeling, she had nothing now, no spells, no magic.  This cleanse was much more powerful than Alistair’s, it was strong and heavy.  She felt as though she were drowning, unable to breathe.  The smoke was clearing.  Alistair and Leliana lie on opposite sides of the hall, limbs twisting in a fashion that they shouldn’t be capable of.  She struggled to stand, her hand on the wall held her up.  He came to her side, his hand still glowing that offensive blue.  She gestured toward her companions with her staff.   

He sat them up against the wall and sprinted down the hall sword in hand.  Neither of them seemed to be badly injured, a twist or a sprain of some limbs.  Nothing she couldn’t heal when her magic recovered.  She followed after him down the hall.   The sight that greeted her was gruesome.  Cullen stood over two mages, wiping the blood from his sword.  He heard her approach and turned to face her horrified expression.  

“What did you do?”, her voice broke between her words.  

“They wouldn’t comply”, his tone was soft.  

“Of course not!  You took away their spells!  They were defenseless!”, she was shaking with hate and the loss of her own power.

“They were using Blood Magic!”, he retorted pointing to a dagger and chalice scattered around the bodies.  “They meant to summon another demon.  These are no longer mages, they are Maleficar.”  He spoke the word as if it was poison on his tongue.  

She didn’t want to make excuses for them.  She didn’t want to pretend they were innocent.  But she knew, firsthand how overbearing it was to be a Mage in this prison.  The Chantry’s prison.  Where they lock you up until they condition you into believing you were cursed at birth.  Until you believe that your very existence is an insult to the Maker himself.  You must be controlled.  They just couldn’t take it anymore and she did understand it.  Summoning demons and attacking Templars just wasn't the answer.  "If it were me-"

"You wouldn't-"

But she would.  She had.  "If.  Would you have killed me like that?  Like an animal?  Like I did not matter to this world?"

"What?  What are you going on about?", he studied her impatiently, his brow furrowed.

She smirked, If only you knew, she thought.  “Next time, wait for me.  Maybe I can talk to them.  Convince them there is another way”, she tore her eyes away from the bodies.  They were too hard to look at.  

Maybe it was the solemn tone that made him agree.  “Alright”, he sheathed his sword.  

They walked back down the hall to her companions.  It was empty.  “Alistair?”, she called out.  Maybe they had come to and wandered off, looking for her.  “Leliana?”  She jogged further down the corridor, back tracking their steps, checking the room where the Templar was still knocked out.  She was beginning to fear the worst.  “Maker, where did they go?”

“Calm down, we’ll find them”  Despite herself, she found comfort in his reassurance.  

They proceeded back down the hall, passing over the dead mages’ bodies.  “You should be able to cast”, he told her.  

“Why?”, she asked.  

“‘Why’?  Because it should’ve worn off by now”

“No, not that.  Why did you leave?”  There probably wouldn’t another time to ask him.  She certainly didn’t want Alistair around to hear his answer.  

“Is now really the time for this?”, he was trying to avoid her question.  

“Yes!”, she pushed her staff toward his throat.  She knew the frost at the end of it was chilling his skin.  “Now is the perfect time, Cullen!”

 


	18. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> None of this is real.

He glared down at her, golden honey pierced her good eye.  “Fine”, he pushed her weapon away.  She continued walking, leaving him a bit behind.  “First, will you tell me what happened to you?”

“You know very well what happened to me”, she spat.  

“No.  I don’t.”  His long strides matched hers now.  

“Did you forget what your Knight-Commander did to me in your haste to run with your tail between your legs to Kirkwall?”, she snapped.  

He put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.  “I didn’t forget!  I can’t forget!  That’s why I had to leave!”  His eyes were on her, he seemed to be looking through her.  “When I’m in this place… all I can hear are your screams.  All I can remember is what he did to you.”

She felt guilty for bringing this up.  His hand lingered on her shoulder, she didn’t pull away this time.  “How do you think that made me feel?  You left me broken and lost.  How could I stay here without you?”  Tears were threatening to fall.  “And then that… that stupid note you left with Duncan?  I figured that meant you were gone for good.  I moved on.  I went to Ostagar to become a Grey Warden.  Imagine my surprise to find you here,  like you never left”, she shrugged.  “Like you have been waiting for me to come home.”  

“Y-you’re a Grey Warden?”, the twisted look on his face told her he knew exactly what that meant.  She was tainted.  

She nodded sheepishly.  “What else was I to do?  I was desperate to escape.”

He choked on his laughter, “But a Grey Warden?”  He looked her up and down.  “All of these scars and injuries… they’re from battles with Darkspawn?”

“Yes”, she lied.  She couldn’t tell him she lost her eye to the improper use of Blood Magic.   

“Maker’s Breath”, he sighed.  

They continued to walk in silence.  There was still no sign of Alistair or Leliana.  There was nothing but quiet.  She found herself watching him; the tight grimace on his face, the gentleness in his eyes when he glanced at her.  She hadn’t forgiven him, it was unlikely that she ever would.  But strangely, she felt safe with him.  Maybe it was because deep within her heart, she knew she was.  On the surface of that heart though, was the longing to see Alistair.  She needed that smile, his voice.  Anything.   

The feeling of being watched made her stop.  “Cullen?”

He put a finger to his lips.  She knew this feeling.   Mages who are weak.  Mages who are angry.  The pace of her heart quickened, fluttering in her chest.  “Cullen”, she whispered.  Wherever the demon was, he was close and he knew she was vulnerable.   

“You’re fine”, his hand on her arm kept her mind at ease.  “You’re a Grey Warden, right?  What’s a demon to a Grey Warden?”

She nodded and let air fill her lungs.  She grabbed her staff with sturdy hands.  She wouldn’t be taken over this time.  She wouldn’t go down without a fight.

“Kitsune”, she heard it, that voice that her heart was longing for.  “Kitsune”, it was getting louder.  It was coming from…

“The library”, she took off in a sprint.  

“No!  Don’t!  It could be a trap”, Cullen chased after her.  

For once she wished she would’ve listened.  The Sloth Demon stared back at her, her staff suddenly too heavy to lift.  “Come in”, he beckoned her in Alistair’s voice.  “Why don’t you rest?”

Her feet were moving, getting closer to the demon.  Her nose was filled with the scent of rotting flesh.  “I am”, she was struggling to speak, “stronger than this.”

“Yes, yes but for now, why don’t you relax?  The Blight can wait”

Her eyelids were heavy.  Fight back, Kitsune.

“Templar”, she heard the demon’s true voice.  A strangled sound like it was choking.  “Join the mage.  Go to sleep.”

“S-stop talking demon”, Cullen was faltering.  “Kitsune, don’t give in.”

She didn’t answer.  Through shaky vision she looked at him, her hand reached out.  He took it, his grip weak, barely able to hold on.  

“Good children”, the demon cooed as they lie on the floor hand in hand.  “Sleep now.”  

She couldn’t remember how she got here.  Her thoughts were cloudy as she struggled to stand.  At least she had her staff strapped to her back.  Where she was, she didn’t know but she recognized the tan figure standing in the distance.  His gold earring glinted in the light of the setting sun.  “Duncan?”, she couldn’t believe it was him.  

“Ah, Kitsune!”, he greeted her with a cheerful smile.  “I’m glad you’ve finally made it to Weisshaupt.”

“Weisshaupt?”, she looked around.  She wasn’t exactly sure if she knew what that meant.  “But… I was just at Lake Calenhad, wasn’t I?”

Duncan chuckled, “You’ve never been back there since you left.  Now that the Blight is over I suppose you could return there but why would you want to?”  He looked around the ruins they were standing in.  “All of the Grey Wardens are here.  This is where you belong.”

She saw many people standing where no one had been before.  “I…”, she started.  “Where’s Alistair?”  

Duncan turned his head to the side.  “Alistair?  Informally addressing the King are we?”

“No”, she hurriedly exclaimed.  “I did not mean...  King?”  Alistair was king now?  She had a faint memory of his coronation but she had no memory of anything before that.  “He is not a Grey Warden?”

Duncan shook his head, “He was but we are no longer needed.”

Something wasn’t right.  She couldn’t figure out what parts made sense and she was beginning to think none of it did.  “So the Blight is over?  The Archdemon has been slain?”

“Don’t you remember?  You and Alistair killed the dragon.  We gathered an army and took down the Blight.”

She had memories of that too.  They didn’t seem real.  None of this was real.  Duncan was dead.  “You are dead”, she whispered.  

“What?”

“You are dead, Duncan.”  His eyes began to glow a fiery red.  

“I am not dead.  You are in Weisshaupt.  The Blight is over.  Go and enjoy what time you have left in your life, Kitsune.”

She started to reach for her staff, still unsure of what was actually going on.  “No, Duncan.  You are not real.”

His unsheathed his sword as  he took his stance.  She held her staff to his face, ready to set her Commander on fire.  “I am sorry, Duncan.  You are dead in the real world.”

She evaded his first attack, his second knocked her off balance.  She used Winter’s Grasp to freeze him and get to her feet.  The ice was gone almost instantly and the sound of it shattering drew the attention of other Warden’s.  They chased her far away from where she had found herself.  She ran as fast as her legs could take her only turning back to fire a spell at Duncan or the others that were after her.  

Maker, what was going on?  The last thing she remembered was Cullen’s hand.  They were… “The Fade!”, she shouted aloud.  In the distance she saw something jutting from the ground.  It was a pedestal.  When she reached it she used a chain of lightning spell to stun her pursuers.  She investigated the pedestal quickly; there were five points that all seemed to be connected.  Her heart drummed in her ears as she placed her hand over one of the points.  It responded to her, glowing white, before the light enveloped her completely.  

Duncan and the others were gone.  She took a few deep breaths and tried to collect her thoughts.  She knew two things; one, she was in the Fade and two, she knew there was something about that pedestal.  It was desolate where she was now.  There were no Wardens, no demons, and no sign of her companions.  I have to find them, she thought.  Maker knows what has happened to them.  

She wandered the Fade, avoiding the pedestal all the while.  There was nothing save for the occasional wisp.  Her mind was tiring and her will to proceed was dwindling.  She walked through a forest of grey and twisted trees, there were more wisps here than anywhere else.  They seemed harmless, for now.  

“Tell me!”, she heard his husky voice buried somewhere in the forest and wisps.  “Speak, demon”, his tone was threatening.  

Her will to run found her again.  “Cullen”, she cried out.  “Cullen.”  She wanted to find him, she needed to find him.  She pushed through the bramble, wicked twigs tearing at her skin and clothes.  There was a clearing deep in the center of the trees.  Cullen was holding his blade to the back of a demon.  “Cullen!”, she shouted out in relief.  

He glanced up at her before thrusting the metal into the monster.  Its body disintegrated.  “Thank the Maker”, he said as he closed the distance between them.  “Are you alright?”, he examined her, his eyes falling over her cuts.  

“I am fine,  just a few scratches.”   She cradled his face in her small hands.  “Do you remember what happened?”  

He nuzzled against her palm, his beard tickling her.  “I’m not really sure.  I recall a Sloth Demon, I think.”  He cupped her chin, “I’m glad you’re okay.  I-”, he started to say something.

“What is it?”, she stared up at him.  

He leaned in, his eyes closed almost all the way.  His lips touched hers.  “I missed you.”

She pulled away from him abruptly.  She felt a pain in her heart when he touched her.  Like she was missing something, missing memories.  “We have to get out of here”, she said finally.  “I have to find Leliana and…”, his name, what was it again?  “Alistair”, she said at last.  

“I’m not even sure if they’re in here”, he looked around the clearing.  

“We have to look.”  She led him through the forest and back to the pedestal.  “I touched this and came here.  I am not sure how it works though.”

He rubbed his chin as he inspected it.  “Hmm”, he reached out toward it and the point closest to him began to glow.  He snatched his hand back and the light faded.  “It appears to be a teleporter of some sort.”  He took her hand in his, intertwining his gloved fingers between hers.  “Ready?”

She looked from him to the pedestal.  Her hand is in his was making her uncomfortable.  She nodded and he put his hand out over one of the points until the white light took them away.  

The gentle crackling of a fire and the smell of a home cooked meal greeted them.  The room they were in was empty but there were two small beds that had been done up.  They exchanged a look before wandering over to the slightly open door.  They peaked out, seeing a red haired woman and Alistair, sitting at a table.  

“Your children are beautiful, Goldanna”, he said to the woman.  “They look just like you.”

“Do you have any children of your own?”, she inquired while scooping more food onto his plate.

He laughed nervously, “Well… no but one day maybe.”

“Is there someone special?”, she asked.  

He chuckled and said, “Special?  She is certainly something more than special.”

Cullen huffed, “Let’s go”, he nodded toward the door.  

“Wait”, she said desperately wanting to hear what else Alistair was going to say.  “We do not know what is going on.  We cannot just run out there.  What if Goldanna is a demon?”

Cullen sighed impatiently but listened.  

“When will I get to meet her?”, Goldanna asked with a suggestive tone.  “This girl who is ‘more than special’”, she giggled.  

“I’m not sure”, Alistair sighed.  “It’s already been so long.”

“So long?”, Kitsune repeated aloud.  “What is he talking about?”  Whatever the Fade was doing to them, it was distorting their memories and their perception of time.  “Stay here.  I am not sure what he will do if he sees you.”  She started to make her way out of the space of the door before he stopped her.  

“You’re not going out there alone”, he growled.  

“Cullen, trust me.”

He rolled his eyes and let her make her way to Alistair.  She stood in the doorway, waiting for him to notice her.  He looked up and did a double take before realizing who she was.  “K-kitsune?”  He stood up, awkwardly bumping the table with his thighs and nervously fixing his clothes.  “W-what are you doing here?  It’s been months.”

“Months?”  She walked towards him.  She noticed Goldanna never truly looked at her.  “It has not been months, Alistair.”

“Of course it has, once we defeated the Archdemon, you left.  You went to Weisshaupt with Duncan and the other Wardens.”

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Please try to remember, Duncan died at Ostagar.”

He laughed, “What are you talking about?  Duncan never went to Ostagar.”

The Fade was toying with him, giving him the memories he so longed for.  Duncan was alive, the Archdemon was gone, the Blight was over and he was home with his sister.  “Yes he did, that is where we met.”

“Alistair, dear”, Goldanna interrupted.  “Would you mind gathering the children?”

He nodded and promptly left the house.  Goldanna turned to her, where amber eyes once were they were now dark and hollow.  “Leave him out of your trickery mage”, she hissed.  

“My trickery?  You are nothing but a demon feeding him lies to fill your own needs”, she spat as she drew her staff.       

Goldanna barred her teeth, “You’re pretending to love him.”

She took a step back.  “What?”  She knew better than to listen to demons.  She couldn’t help but feel that maybe it was right.  “What are you talking about?”, she set the base of her staff on the floor.

“Are you sure your feelings for him are not meant for another?”, Goldanna circled her as she spoke.  “Are you sure it’s not someone else that you love?”

Kitsune stopped her circling with her staff on her chest.  “I know what I feel.”

“Do you?”, she challenged.  

She pulled her staff back, ice shimmering at the top of her staff.  

“Have you gone mad?”,  Alistair burst through the door with no children at his side.  “Attacking my sister?”

Before she could speak Goldanna threw herself into Alistair’s arms.  “Brother!  She’s positively mad”, she cried.  

“You should go”, he sneered at her.  

“Alistair this is not real!  Can you not see she is a demon?”, Kitsune retorted.  

“Leave.”

“I am not leaving, not until you see her for what she really is.”  

Goldanna whispered something in his ear, his eyes grew wide and his pupils took up most of the iris.  “You’re the demon”, he took a sword from the above the fireplace.  “I told you to leave.”

She stared him down.  “No”  

He reared back, the pommel of the sword collided with her nose.  She could feel the trickle of blood on her lips.  How was she going to stop him?  Her white oak staff buzzed with lightning.  “Alistair”, she took a step back.  

He swung the blade at her, it stopped with ringing sound.  Cullen stood between them, his sword crossed with Alistair’s.  With a snarl on his face he fought Alistair back.  Kitsune directed her attention toward Goldanna, who stood in the center of the room, watching as her puppet dueled a Templar.  “Let him go!”, she shouted.

The woman smiled a yellow fanged smile.  She shot ice at the demon, trying to freeze her but she dodged her spells.  “He’s mine now”,  Goldanna grabbed a fist full of silver hair.  She angled Kitsune’s head, forcing her to watch as Cullen and Alistair duelled.  “He’d die for me if asked it of him.”

She took Goldanna by the wrist and tore herself free, yanking her down to the floor.  With a foot on the demon’s throat she crushed her.  “Then ask him.”  More pressure on the jugular.  “Have him save you!”

The charade faded, Goldanna revealed her true natural.  The demon reached a clawed hand out, abruptly the echos of the two men’s fight were silenced.  Kitsune whirled around to find Alistair seething and charging at her.  He was too close to escape, too fast for her to cast.   Cullen collided with him, sending Alistair and his weapon to the floor.  Before he could recover it, Cullen was on top of him, the point of the sword rest on his chest.  

“Wait!”, she yelled, her foot still rest on the monster’s neck.  She put all her weight into that one leg and aimed Cone of Lightning at Goldanna’s face.  With the hum of electricity the evil being was reduced to a pile of dust.  “Get off of him”, she pushed Cullen away.  

“Alistair?”, she straddled him, her staff dropping beside her.  “Come on”, she patted his cheek.  “You have to get up.”  She thought to heal him, but of what?  “Why is he not coming out of her spell?”, she asked herself.  His eyes were vacant, mostly black.  

“Maybe it wasn’t her that glamored him”, Cullen spoke with a strain in his voice.  

“What do we do?”,  she touched his stubble with the tips of her fingers.  She touched her staff to his chest to heal him.  That was a mistake.  

He shot up, sending her flying back.  He pinned her, his hands on her shoulders and his spit dripping from his mouth as he frothed with anger above her.  She looked up to see Cullen standing over her, sword moving back.  “Cullen, no!”, she could barely raise her staff but she did so in enough time to freeze his sword arm.  

“Kitsune!”, Cullen was shocked.  “What are you doing?”

“Alistair”, she cooed.  She blinked with each drop of bubbling saliva that dropped on her face.  “Listen to my voice.  Try to remember who I am.  You do not want to kill me.”

“Kitsune!”, Cullen shouted again.  

She held the amulet up to him so he could see it.  “Remember?  Arl Eamon?  Connor?  Duncan?”

He started to blink, his pupils retracting just a bit.  “Dun…”

“Duncan”, she grinned.  “You can get out of this.  You just have to remember.”

He slowly eased off of her.  The ice on Cullen’s arm shattered.  His fist landed on Alistair’s jaw.  

“What are you-”, she hurried over to Alistair, shielding his body with her own.  “Stop!”

Below her, he was coming to, “Ki-tsu…?”  His eyes opened wide, staring above her.  He pushed her off of him with a grunt.  She tumbled across the floor.  

“Maker!”, she gasped.  Both of them, their eyes were a fiery red.  Alistair held Cullen’s fists in his hands, a beast like look on both their faces.  

 


	19. Love or Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A choice she can't make.

She scrambled to her feet, tripping over herself.  “What has gotten into you two?”, she rasped.  “Please, you do not have to fight.”

Either they couldn’t hear her or they ignored her.  They fought, heavy fists and swift movements she could barely keep up with.  Whatever this was, she had to stop them.  Dishes fell from their shelves when Alistair slammed Cullen against the wall.  Exchanged blows and drops of blood, she was running out of time.  With her staff in her hands she let the lightning emit from her.  They seized and fell to the floor.   She stood over them, their eyes were red and glazed over.  

She knew what this was.  This was Rage.  She looked around the room.  The fire snapped and popped, red hot embers rolled on the hearth.  Rage, she thought to herself.  With her staff in hand she peered into the fire.  Orange and yellow flames burst upward, engulfing her torso and face.  A terrible figure formed out of the flames.  

A Rage Demon.  Winter’s Grasp barely damaged the creature of the Fade.  It was closing in on her, setting fire to everything it touched.  She was cornered, trapped with very little space between her and the monster.  She planted her feet and gathered that brilliant warmth in her gut.  The white oak staff glowed with white frost.  She released the spell, a shower of frost freezing the demon in place.  The house was on fire now, both of the men were beginning to stir.  

“Get up!”, she shouted at them.  “Alistair”, she sat him up.  “We have to go!”

He grumbled, his eyes were still red.  She heard the cracking of the ice.  The demon would be freed before she got them out of there.  In a desperate attempt, she grabbed Alistair’s sword.  It was heavy and unfamiliar in her hands.  Whereas he could easily use it with one hand, she needed both to swing it with any kind of accuracy.  The ice shattered, a sound like glass smashing to pieces.   The beast was behind her, she could feel the heat of its fire on her back.  With a warrior like cry, she spun around and let the sword come down on the demon.  

It staggered back, lanky limbs flailing.  Once it regained its balance it aimed burning waves at her.  The blade in her hand warmed until it was too hot to hold.  It clattered to the floor and she switched to her staff.  She fought the demon back with ice, as much of it as she could muster.  In the Fade, she felt more powerful.  She still needed mana, but it was as though it was flowing faster, stronger.  She’d won the battle, the Rage Demon dispersed into ashes.  The fire it left in its wake died down until there was nothing.  

She hunched over with her staff across her knees, trying to catch her breath.  “That could have been worse”, she smiled.  She was proud of herself, proud that she didn’t always need someone to protect her.  

A shadow on the floor gained her attention.  She looked up through silver hair.  Cullen was standing, his body very obviously weakened.  He held onto the mantle with one hand and with the other grasped at his ribs.  “Here”, she motioned with her staff for him to move his hand.  With a bright white light she healed him.  

“Thanks”, a barely visible smile on his lips.  “Are you alright?”

She sighed.  He was always asking her that, they both were.  “Yes, thank you.”

Alistair groaned on the other side of the room.  She went to his side and healed his wounds.  “Are you alright?”, he asked her with his thumb on her chin.  

“Yes, I am just fine”, she smiled and leaned in to kiss him.  He  was out of the nightmare that the demons had created.  But they were still in the Fade.  His lips were warm as he hungrily kissed her back.  

Cullen cleared his throat, she glared at him.  “We shouldn’t stay here”, he mumbled as he made his way down the hall, back toward the pedestal.  

Alistair gave her a look and rolled his eyes, “What did you ever see in him?”  

She giggled, “Similar things I see in you, Alistair.”

“Oh, Maker.”  

“Where do you think this will take us?”, Kitsune asked as they stood in front of the pedestal.  

“I haven’t the slightest clue”, Cullen admitted.  

Alistair studied it, his head tilted from side to side.  “It looks like they’re all connected.  Look.  It seems to be forming a star.”

She peered over at the pedestal.  He was right.  There were three points lit up and two more unlit ones on the outside with one in the middle.  “I guess there is only one way to find out where they will lead”, she shifted her weight and strapped her staff to her back.  

Cullen put his hand out over the pedestal.  The light glowed and surrounded them.  

This place looked to be the ruins of a castle.  Walls were torn down and ceilings had fallen apart.  The pedestal now had four glowing lights.  “I don’t like the look of this place”, Cullen exhaled.

“What’s not to like?”, Alistair chimed.  “You’ve got the crumbling walls, the mildew smell, and the thick layer of dust on everything as far as the eye can see.  It’s paradise!”  He opened his arms and spun in a circle.  He grabbed Kitsune by the waist and spun her too.  

“Alistair”, she laughed and placed her hands on his.  “Let me go.”

He held her with his chest against her back and rocked her from side to side.  “You know I could never do that.”  He rested his chin on her shoulder.  

She became aware of the smile on her face when she noticed Cullen had begun to walk away.  His hand on the hilt of his sword, his head down, eyes focused on the filthy floor.  She wiggled free from Alistair, took him by the hand and led him toward Cullen.  They were still trapped in the Fade.  “Maybe we can find Leliana in there”, she pointed with her free hand.  

He glanced at their intertwined fingers, “Yeah.  Let’s go.”  The Templar led the way.

Why was he watching her like that?  He knew didn’t he?  He knew that there was nothing between them anymore.  It was silly infatuation.  Infatuation that led to a moment she wished she could come back from.  The scars on her hands burned when he touched her but with Alistair it felt safe.  She noticed the way Alistair was watching him, the left side of his top lip curled just a bit when he’d look in his direction.  

Cullen stopped abruptly, Kitsune nearly bumped into him.  “What is it?”, she sighed impatiently.  

“Could I talk to you for a moment?”, he spoke without facing her.  

She slipped her fingers free from Alistair.  “Okay, go on.”

“I mean in private”, he stared Alistair in the face.  

The red haired man raised an eyebrow and folded his arms across his broad chest.  It was only now that they stood facing each other that she realized every difference between them.  Alistair was only a few inches taller, his arms were thicker and his nose longer.  But Cullen’s golden hair brought out the light in his eyes, the scar on his mouth made her want to kiss him, and the way he rested on one hip made her recall them rocking against her.  “Fine”, when she spoke Alistair turned his head in her direction.

Wide eyed with lips pursed he walk away until her was out of earshot.  “We’re just not going to talk about this?”, he asked her, his shoulders relaxing and brow furrowed.  

She shook her head, “I am not sure what you want me to say.”

“Do you love him?”

“Oh, I see”, she put a hand on her hip and gestured with the other.  “Is that really what this is about? ‘Do I love him?’ I fail to see what this has to do with anything.  I do not have anytime for petty rivalries, Cullen.  I would like to find Leliana.”  

“You’re not answering me”, he retorted.  

She scoffed and watched Alistair kick aimlessly at some rubble.  “You mean to ask if I feel the same way about him as I feel about you?”

He remained quiet.  

“The short answer, Ser Tem- pardon, Knight-Captain, is no.”  It was the truth.  The way she felt about Alistair varied greatly from the way she felt about him.  Being with both of them made it so clear to her which was love and which was passion.    

“And the long answer?”, he pressed.  

“The long answer is, I do not think it was love.”  She felt a crushing weight on her chest as she watched his face darken.  “Maybe it could have been if I were not a mage, Cullen.  Maybe if you were not a Templar.”  Why would he ask her to break his heart?  He had to know, he couldn’t feel differently, could he?  “I am sorry”, she reached a hand up to his face.  

He walked away before she could touch him, “I understand.”  

“Alistair”, Cullen called, his voice sounded strained.  “Let’s go.”

“All done talking are we?  Just when I was getting to know that rock so well, I was even invited to supper with his family.”

Her words played over and over, ‘I do not think it was love’, her stomach was beginning to hurt.  ‘I do not think it was love’, tears were beginning to burn her eyes.  ‘I do not think it was love’, why did she break his heart?  It was true wasn’t it?  It wasn’t love.  But her mind started to wander, it took her right to when he was dying, wasting away in comatose.  How wounded her heart was then, how terrified she was at the thought of losing him.  Then the feeling of his skin on her palms, his embrace that lifted her off the floor.  He was hers and she was his, forbidden to love each other.  

She wasn’t aware that she’d stopped walking, not until they both stopped and doubled back.  “C’mon, we’ve got to find Leliana”, Alistair urged.  

Her feet were heavy, they felt as though someone had tied boulders to them.  Did she make a mistake?  Did she truly love Cullen?  Or Alistair?  “I do not know”, she whispered to the hand clutched on the amulet around her neck.  

“Darkspawn”, Alistair hissed abruptly.  

She dropped the amulet and brandished her staff.  Her hands were shaking, barely able to hold on to the white oak in her hands.  All of this talking and thinking was driving her mad, she couldn’t handle this.  Was it possible to love both of them?  Or was she being selfish?  “Hey!”

Cullen’s deep growl drew her attention, “Sorry”

He looked her over, wanting to say something for sure, but the Darkspawn were launching an attack.  Before any of them could do any damage she casted a fireball into the center of their group.  Alistair covered his face with his shield and Cullen shielded his face with his forearm.  Silence settled as did the smoke.  “Good to see your accuracy has improved”, Cullen remarked.  

 “Maker’s Breath, Kitsune.  I really didn’t know you had that in you”, Alistair beamed at her with pride.  

She kept moving, weaving through the maze of Darkspawn bodies.  Darkspawn, they’d almost killed her, multiple times.  And Alistair, they almost killed him, multiple times.  She’d be so lost without him.  She’d be dead without him, he would argue she’d be dead with him as well.  She had risked so much for him.  There was so much that she didn’t understand about herself.  She barely knew him at the time and yet she was willing to die for him time and time again.  It didn’t matter to her whether or not she lived, so long as she knew that goofy smile was still here.  So long as he could still make those witty one liners.  

It was no secret to her that she loved him now, but it felt much different than the love for Cullen.  It felt lively and free, a happiness struck through her whenever he would call her name.

“There’s still no sign of her”, Alistair complained.  “I don’t get it, we’ve been searching forever and not so much as a hint to where she might be.”  

“There are two more places on the pedestal.  I don’t know if they will lead to her but it’s worth a try”, Cullen answered.  

“Maybe we should just head back.  What do you think, Kitsune?”

“Huh?”, her eyes were glued to the concrete floor and her hand to the amulet.  “That sounds like a good idea.”

“Then let’s go”, Alistair turned her around and walked her part way down the hall.  “Is everything alright?”, he whispered in her ear.  “You’ve been acting really strange since you and Cullen had your little talk.  What did he say to you?”

She laughed uncomfortably.  It was nothing he said.  “He did not say anything of true importance.”  She looked back at him, “Let us just get Leliana and find a way out of here, okay?”  The constant fawning over her was beginning to feel more like smothering.  

Everything was bothering her.  She was hyper aware of the leather patch on her face, the silver hairs brushing against her back, the holes in her pants.  The weight of the amulet around her neck.  She pulled the eyepatch off and crumpled it in her hand.  The Fade air was cool against her exposed eye.  Get it together, Kitsune, she thought.  Leliana is more important than your silly issues.  Using that word just didn’t seem right.  

The scent of sugared roses wafted through the air.  She recognized the bard’s smell immediately and for a brief moment her mind was cleared of the obnoxious voices.  How did they miss this?  Kitsune took off in a sprint towards what seemed to be a crumbling balcony.  “Leliana!”, she cried in relief when she saw her with her hands clasped together kneeling in front of an older woman .  

She stood and gestured to the old woman wearing Chantry robes, “I’m so happy you are here, Kitsune!  This is Lady Cecilie.”

Kitsune knew this old bat was no ‘Lady’ but another demon of the Fade.  “Leliana”, she pulled the girl by her collar.  “We should go.  We have things that need to be done.”

“Go?”, her brow furrowed.  “I do not have anywhere to go.  My place is here with Lady Cecilie.”

“Leliana must stay here and continue her training.  She is doing quite well here”, the old woman spoke up.  “I think you’ve overstayed your welcome, elf.”

Neither of the girls moved, Leliana smiled apologetically after a few moments.  “I want to stay here, Kitsune.  This is my home.”

Lady Cecilie’s eyes glowed a bright yellow when the clanking of armour caught her attention.  “More visitors”, she groaned.  

“I’m glad to see you’re safe, Leliana”, Alistair said when he approached.  

“Alistair, it’s nice to see you, but what brings you here?”, she was still confused, unknowing that she was trapped in a false happiness.

“That woman is a demon”, Cullen pointed at the Chantry woman.  

“What?”, Leliana all but shouted at him.  “Have you gone mad?”

As much as she disagreed with this tactic Kitsune went along with it, “It is true.  We are in the Fade, all of this is just a dream, Leliana.”

“I-I do not understand.  I’ve been here since we ended the Blight”, even as she spoke she was doubting herself.  

“None of that happened”, she held out a hand.  “We know how to get out of here.  You just have to trust me.”  Before Leliana could grab her hand, Lady Cecilie pounced on the mage.  She took her down and with a clawed thumb pressed into her forehead, Kitsune was the only one able to move about.  Her companions all remained frozen in place.  “Get off!”, she threw the Desire Demon off of her.  “I am sick of seeing you pests”, she hissed as she stood up.  

“I have an offer”, the demon stepped back when she started to reach for her weapon.  

“I do not give a damn about your offer!”  She was done with demons, through with the Fade.  As a mage she’d always loved being in the Fade save for the temptations.  Now?  Now she just wanted to get out.  

“You might if you’d let me make it.”

Curiosity got the better of her.  “What?”, she snarled.  

“I-I can give you what you want”, it started, clearly put off by it’s own ability to persuade.  “I can give you all that you desire.”

“I have heard that before”, her patience were wearing thin.  Maker, I just want to go back to the real world.   

“I can give you both of them.  You wouldn’t have to choose.”

She stayed her staff.  “I can have them both?”  What was she saying?  “How?”

“I’m a Desire Demon”, the purple-grey demon smiled coyly.  “Whatever your heart desires?  I can give it to you.”  The demon turned the elf’s head, made her face her desires.  “No more thoughts.  No more questions.  No more heartache.  You can have it all.”

The more she listened, the more she wanted it.  She knew it was wrong, she couldn’t choose.  She could but she didn’t want to.  She didn’t want to let go of the love she fought so hard to protect and preserve.  Kitsune studied them in their frozen state.  She could have them both.  She wouldn’t have to choose.  

She thought back to that Templar who’d been possessed by his own demon.  He was happy, regardless of whether or not it was an honest feeling, didn’t matter to her.  She wanted that.  Hadn’t she suffered enough?  Between Greagoir and the Joining and losing bits of herself for one of the men she loved.  Wasn’t that good enough?  The real world was a scary place.  How could she, one tiny Fade-touched elf, stop the Blight?  It wasn’t possible.  This was what she wanted.  For once she wanted to be selfish, even if it was the wrong choice.  

“Give me everything I desire, demon.  I am much too tired to keep fighting for something I do not believe in.”


	20. A Guilty Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selfishness, guilt, what does it all add up to?

She lie on an unfamiliar bed.  How long had it been since she last slept in a real bed?  How long had it been since she felt at ease?  There was no way of knowing just how long it had been.  She spread her arms and rubbed them along the cool sheets, this was a nice feeling.  The door across the room cracked open, “Are you dressed?”, his deep voice carried a joking tone.  

“Would it make a difference if I was not?”, she breathed.  

“All the difference, really”, he smiled as he crossed the room to her.  “Less work for me.”

“I am sorry to disappoint then”, she rubbed his bare back as he took a seat on the bed.  

He shrugged, “You can keep them on for all I care.  Clothes, no clothes.  You’re beautiful all the same.”   

When she sat up the covers fell away and exposed his tunic on her small frame.  “I suppose you will be wanting this back?”, she started to remove it.  

He shook his head, “You’ll keep it warm for me.  Besides, I like when you steal my clothes.  They always smell like you when you give them back.”

“And what does that smell like?”, she laid back in the bed, her long hair spilled across the pillows.  

“Anise and cold.”

“Anise?  Like the plant?”, she questioned.

“Yeah.”

“And… cold?  What exactly does cold smell like?”, she smiled at the thought.  Cold?  How strange.  

“I think it’s your magic.  You use a lot of frost spells and it lingers on you.”  He cuddled against her.  His head on her bosom.  “It’s like the smell when you walk outside in winter.  It makes your nose cold.  You smell like that.”

“That is more like a feeling, is it not?”  Her nails massaged his scalp as she spoke.  

“It’s a smell to me.”

“You are an odd man”, his head bounced with her laughter.  

“That’s why you love me isn’t it?”

“That and many other reasons.”

“Like?”, he dragged the vowel.  

“This red hair”, she tugged on it gently.  “Your smile.  Your jokes.”

“You’re the only one.”

“I know.”  

They lie in silence.  She enjoyed his presence, his warmth, his stubble poking through the thin fabric of the tunic.  His snores vibrated against her chest before the door opened again.  “He’s always falling asleep like that”, Cullen acknowledged as he sat at the foot of the bed.  

“You sound jealous”, she poked his lower back with her foot.  

“What?  I’m not jealous.  Just making a statement.  I think he’s perpetually tired.”

“We cannot all be as strung up as you Knight-Captain”, she continued to stroke red hair as his snores dwindled.  

“Shouldn’t he have Grey Warden stamina or something?  He’s like a cat, always taking a nap.”  Cullen laid back, his shoulders on her thighs and his head on her stomach.  “It makes me tired, to see him,” he yawned, “always asleep.”

Kitsune traced his ear with her finger.  In but a few moments of silence, both men were asleep.  Their snores were simultaneous and lulled her to sleep.  

A caress of her left breast stirred her.  She kept her eyes shut when  hot breath came through her shirt.  The touch was clumsy, hurried.  Alistair.  There was another touch, another hand climbed up her leg.  A finger grazed the sensitive skin of her inner thigh.  His skill drew her further out of her slumber.  “What are you two doing?”, she asked with smile.  

“Shh”, Cullen hushed her.  His hands explored her legs.  Swept over her knees, brushed along her calves.  “You have the softest skin.”

“And even softer hair”, Alistair’s hands left her breasts and moved in her hair.  

“What are you two up to?”, this wasn’t like them.  They would never touch her at the same time.  

“Can’t we do something nice for you, love?”, Cullen smiled and kissed her naked mound.  Hadn’t she been wearing underwear?  

“I… suppose but you cannot blame me for being suspicious.  The two of you are not exactly the best of friends”, Kitsune laughed uncomfortably at the end of her sentence.  This was extremely out of character for both men.  

“We’ve put aside our differences for you.  We both want to be a part of your life and if you want both of us… then both of us will be here.”  Alistair pressed his lips to her.  There was no protesting this.  

Kitsune moaned against Alistair’s lips.  Cullen had spread her folds, he blew warmth on her clitoris.  She quivered and winced in anticipation when he reached his tongue out.  Alistair forced her mouth open with his tongue, she gasped in surprise.  He was never this vigorous or bold.  She moaned into their kisses, Cullen’s lips circled her nerve bundle.  He massaged it, suckled and teased it with his teeth.  

She arched, Alistair placed his palm on her core.  When had she taken off the tunic?  His mouth stayed on hers, swallowing her moans.  Her heels dug into the bed as Cullen grabbed her wrists and held them at her sides while he continued to pleasure her.  The other man conquered her mouth.  Teeth clicked and tongues slid past one another.  He’d never kissed her like this before, he was being aggressive, dominant.  She tried to pull away, catch her breath but he held her head in place.  

Cullen penetrated her.  A long, thick finger curled inside her.  Her legs jerked upwards, her thighs nearly parallel to her belly.  She cried out when he rubbed the spot that made her lower body twitch.  “Ah!”

Alistair chuckled and directed her face to his.  “Do you like that?”

Cullen continued to rub her, his finger massaged her harder,  “It’s okay to make some noise, Kitsune.  We’re not in the Tower.”  He added a second finger, it too rubbed her rigid expanding spot.         

She tripped over the letters of his name, Alistair hardly removed his mouth from hers.  His thumb and forefinger twisted her pert nipple, what happened to his timid nature?  His tongue coaxed hers, made her more eager, more needy.  He pulled away just as her eyes fully shut and her back lie flat on the bed.  She whined when the trail of saliva that connected them was severed.  Kitsune sat up, tried to pull Alistair back down with her but his hand on her core stayed her.  

Cullen stretched out his fingers to reach parts deep within her, she moaned and arched away from the bed.  The ginger kissed a trail to her mound and with his chin at her pelvis, he lapped at her clitoris.  Slow, drawn out licks, an occasion suckle and Cullen’s continued thrusts brought her to orgasm.  She bit down on her lower lip, her cries muffled at first but then realization that this was okay came over her and she opened her mouth.

The templar removed his fingers with a slick sound and crawled up her belly.  He slid his moist fingers past parted lips, making her taste herself on him.  Perhaps out of jealousy Alistair touched his mouth to hers, the same flavor on him.  

Gently both men rolled her on to her stomach.  Four hands touched her back, callused fingers ran down her bottom, the backs of her thighs, her heels.  Arms folded, she cradled her head, she enjoyed the men’s caresses.  Unsure which of the two were licking her, taking in the trickling remnants of her orgasm, she groaned into the crease of her elbow.  Palms flat on her back as legs surrounded her own, she felt his scar graze the nape of her neck.  Those warm palms spread her and easily he slid into her.  

The mage took him in, her brow furrowed and her teeth chewed at the inside of her lip.  His motions forced her into the soft blankets, she angled her hips to force against him.  “Maker”, she breathed.  Cullen chuckled and stayed deep within her until she began to wiggle, hoping for him to relent.  “Cullen”, his hands moved her waist back up to him when she dropped them in an attempt to escape.  

He growled and plowed into her, the slapping sound of their flesh bouncing off one another reverberated.  Where was Alistair in all of this, she wondered.  Was he watching?  Waiting for his turn with her?  Just as she’d adjusted, welcomed his driving force, Cullen withdrew.  She gasped at the sudden loneliness and sighed in relief when another set of legs wrapped around her.    
Alistair was gentler, his touch was kind and she quickly realized what little he lacked in length he made up for in girth.  He entered her and instantly she responded with a cry of his name.  He spread her bottom as he plunged, his thumb grazed over her tight entrance.  Her head snapped up in shock and it was Cullen whose hands were on her chin.  He put the head of  his glistening cock to her lips.  She accepted him into her mouth, a bit distracted by the man behind her, his thumb still prodded for an entry.  Kitsune tried to push herself up but Alistair stole one wrist from under her.  He pinned it to her back and reached for the other, trapping it in the same hand of the other.  

Cullen held her head up by silver as he fucked her throat.  She took in deep breaths when he’d exit her briefly then steadily exhale between his thrusts.  Without the use of her arms or voice she couldn’t object when Alistair had finally worked his thumb into her.  She whimpered around the man in her mouth as she felt another climax begin to build.  A sound came from the one in front of her.  She looked up through watery eyes and saw him bow before she felt him twitch and tasted him spill out onto her tongue.  

She swallowed, pleased that she could bring him such a powerful release.  He smiled down at her and wiped the corner of her mouth with a finger.  She licked the residue away eagerly.  Alistair had yet to relax, he’d picked up the pace, his thrusts had become more shallow.  She buried her face in the blankets, the moans muffled in the cotton.  Cullen’s hands twisted in her hair, pulling it from her back and neck.  He lifted her face up, out of the heat of the blanket.  Mmm, his lips on hers as he kissed her through another climax.  Alistair grunted as he filled her.  His final movements within elicited his name from her again.   

Kitsune lie with her belly fat against the bed.  She was exhausted.  One of them picked her up, off the bed and carried her to another room.  She wasn’t sure which neck she’d wound her arms around, it didn’t matter.  She loved them both and to be here, with them, made her the happiest she’d been in quite sometime.  But what had it been that made her so unhappy?  She couldn’t remember now.  Her legs entered the warm water first, then her torso and finally her head.  

A bath.  A warm bath.  This was a long awaited luxury, something she’d missed.  But why had she missed it?  Wasn’t this how it had always been?  Her mind was clouded, her thoughts jumbled and something about all this didn’t seem normal.  Any doubt was washed with the scented oils the men were rubbing her down with.  One kneaded it into her tresses and the other massaged her feet.  This.  This was what she’d always longed for.  Where was the pain now?  What pain?,  she questioned.  Precisely.     

Days past, or was it weeks?  She couldn’t tell anymore.  Her mornings ran into her evenings and the days seemed to never truly come to an end.  They ate meals together, told stories, made love, slept.  It was a cycle she never grew tired of.  “Do you miss it?”, she asked Cullen one morning over breakfast.  Was it morning?

“The Order, you mean?”, he wiped his mouth with a napkin.  “Never.”

“But it was something you were so passionate about.  You do not miss even one thing?”, Kitsune searched his eyes for something, any kind of remorse for choosing a life with her.  

“Not one damn thing.”  He smiled and his eyes glowed.  “I’d rather we not talk about it.  If that’s alright with you.”  His large hand covered hers.  

“You know what I miss?”, Alistair interjected.  

She looked over at him awaiting his answer.  

“I miss being in bed.  With you.”  

She giggled, “Can we enjoy our meal first?”

“If you insist”, Cullen laughed.  

She stared at the ceiling, Maker she was tired.  They wanted this every night and who was she to deny them?  Their heads pinned her shoulders down, her arms were falling asleep.  She tried to shift, just a little, just enough to free her arms.  

“Where do you think you’re going?”, his hand clamped on her forearm, his honey eyes were… yellow?

She blinked in the dim light of the room, “Cullen?”

“I’m sorry, love”, he released her but the grip had left a red mark on her skin.  “I wasn’t crushing you was I?  Here, I’ll move.”  He rolled over but not before placing a kiss on her forehead.  His eyes were normal but that didn’t mean she hadn’t seen what she thought she saw.  

She lie awake for awhile, a thousand thoughts crossed her mind.  She shut her eyes and forced herself to sleep.  

The morning brought with it a not so comfortable feeling.  The house felt tense, bogged down, heavy.  Both men were snippy and uncharacteristically, feisty.  She’d asked Alistair for a glass of water and his usual response of, “Anything you need, my dear.”  Was replaced with, “You’re more than welcome to get it yourself.”  Cullen was usually mindlessly playing with her hair, plaiting the silver, today he was barely even looking at her.  

“I am sorry”, she spoke out against the silence.  

“What would you need to be sorry for?”, Alistair grinned.  It seemed empty.  

“For whatever I have done to upset the both of you.  I did not mean it and I would love to make it up to you.”  She picked at her fingernails nervously.  Something she had never really done before.  Their eyes were on her and that uneasiness she’d been feeling all day was very blatant to her now.

Cullen kneeled down in front of her.  He touched her cheek with his knuckles.  “You’ve done nothing wrong.”  He tried to convince her with prolonged eye contact, she could see a glint of yellow beneath the brown.  “You have nothing to apologize for.”  He rubbed his nose against hers and the hand on her cheek closed around her neck.  His lips curled back to reveal fangs.  “Nothing to apologize for.”  He repeated.  

Her feet left the ground when he stood, “Cu-”, she choked under his grip.  She kicked him, only to have Alistair hold her ankles still.  Her legs, powerless in his firm grip.  “St-op”, she croaked.  Why?  Why was this happening?  

“S-stop”, Cullen mocked her.  His eyes were a golden yellow now.  “Whine and complain, that’s how Kitsune plays her games.  She pretends she’s innocent, until you realize she’s playing you for a fool.”  Spit splattered on her face.   

What?, she tried to say.  What was he talking about?  Freeing herself was out of the question and her magic, she had nothing.  “Pl-”

“P-p-please”, he chided as both he and Alistair threw her to the hardwood floor.  “We had a deal!”, he roared.

“What?”, she questioned, her voice hoarse.  

“Oh come off it”, Alistair spoke.  “Like you really don’t remember.”  His eyes began to glow too.  

I do not remember, she thought.  I do not remember anything.  

_Kitsune?_  

“Wynne?”, she whispered.  That was Wynne’s voice wasn’t it?  

_You have to wake up now.  You have to come back to us._      

“We had a deal”, Cullen said again as he straddled her.  The first blow was to her nose.  Soon thereafter she felt the trickle of blood down her lip.  “You lied to us, Kitsune”, he screamed at her and with a closed fist struck her again.  Her head hit the floor and bounced back.  

She groaned and tried to get him off of her.  “Cullen!”, she spat blood.  “Stop it!  Why?”

His hand collided with her again.  He opened his hand to reveal long purple claws.  “You lead them right to us.  You promised.  You begged me to give you what you wanted.”

With one of those wretched claws he dug into her shoulder.  She screamed.  She screamed for the Maker, for Alistair, for Wynne.  Another claw found it’s way into her belly.  There was no escaping this pain.  “I’ll teach the little mage what happens when you betray a demon of the Fade.”  

If this was the Fade, then why did the pain feel so real?  “Kitsune!”, she heard her name.  She knew the voice but she couldn’t move.  She couldn’t respond.  “By the Maker, let her go you foul creature!”  The whistling of a spell was followed by the relief of the pressure on her chest.  

The elf gulped for air, none of it reached her lungs.  She curled into a ball on the floor, hugged her knees close to her chest.  The sounds of fighting kept her conscious.  She remained still, her eyes stayed shut.  “Kitsune!”, a old, familiar voice called to her.  “It’s okay now, child”.  Wynne was beside her, her hands fumbling over her bloodied body.  “We have to get her out of the Fade.  Her mind is not well.”

“What about her injuries?”, Alistair’s concern startled her.  

“She’ll heal”, there was a confidence in Wynne’s voice, one she didn’t truly believe in.      

“Hey, hey”, Alistair cooed.  “Don’t try to get up just yet.”

She growled through her clenched jaw.  “If this is not my physical body”, she cringed when her back hit the floor.  “Then why does this hurt so much?”

“Demon’s can do that.  They can hurt the soul, which hurts worse than any physical pain one can experience.”  Wynne was sitting next to her.  Her staff still glowing with a healing spell.  

“I thought you were dead”, she said to her mentor.  “I figured you had died at Ostagar.”

“It’ll take more than an army of darkspawn to take down this old bag of bones”, she smiled faintly.  “There will be plenty of time for talk later.  Once you’re feeling better we have to get out of the Fade.

“What were you doing with those demons?  One moment you were right there with us and the next…”, Alistair held her hand in his.  It was different than the one she held before.  Different than the demon’s hand.  

“I thought I could do it on my own.  I thought I could protect everyone”, she knew it wasn’t the truth.  She recalled what she’d done now.  She willing went with the demon.  She willing left, Alistair, Cullen, Leliana, and the others.  She fled from her duty as a Warden for selfish reasons.  Reasons she couldn’t admit to him now.  He put her on this pedestal.  Made it seem like she could do no wrong and when she did, it was her own inexperience.

“That was foolish”, the gruff voice in the distance chimed in.  “You could’ve been killed.”  

And with all this guilt in my heart, Cullen, I wish I had been.   


	21. Vindicate Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out of the Fade and into regret.

“Are you sure you’re okay to walk?”, Alistair worried when they continued their journey through the Fade.

She was leaning on her staff for support, “I am fine.  Let us just get out of here.”  

Silence.  She wanted to say something to Cullen.  What?  ‘I am sorry I was not strong enough to resist.’  “I have failed you and myself.’  ‘I do not know why it was easy for me to throw everything away.’  This is what he was taught wasn’t it?  That mages are weak, feeble minded creatures.  Magic was meant to serve man, not control him.  Certainly she’d be an abomination by now had they not come to her rescue.  

The silence was too much.  “Cullen?”, she lagged behind.  “Can we talk?”

“No.”

She hadn’t expected such a blunt response.  “Please?”, she touched his forearm and he pulled away.  “I am sorry.”

“I’m sure”, he continued walking.  

“Will you listen to me?”

“No.”

“I did not want all of this!”, she’d stopped walking and the others followed suit.  “I thought I would kill some darkspawn, become a different person!  I thought I would get better if I left.”  Shoulders began to tremble.  “I was wrong okay?  This?  This is not what I intended.  Never did I think I would be carrying the weight of so many lives!  Look at what I have lost already!  I was not whole when I left but now?  Now I am chipping away!”  There was a power in her.  It flowed and moved like a fire.  “I did it on purpose”, she whispered. 

“Kitsune?”, Wynne was worried.  Her tone said it all.  

“I did it.  On purpose.”  Eyes were on her.  

“Why would you-”, Alistair tried to say but it was Cullen’s voice that was the loudest.  

“Because she’s a mage.”

“What?”

“The Chantry is right for locking you people up”, his voice, a haunting snarl.  “You’re walking abominations.  You can’t be trusted to control your own power!”  There was an arm’s length between them.  

Didn’t he know?  In here she had the upper hand.  “What are you saying, Cullen?  You want to make me Tranquil?  Is that it?  Am I too dangerous?”  She shoved his chest but he didn’t move.  

“Yes!  That’s exactly what I’m saying!  You’re cursed!  You’re no better than the demons!”

So much pain.  All of this hate.  It started with him.  They wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t been so weak.  He was right wasn’t he?  She’s more trouble than she’s worth.  What had she accomplished at this point?  Worthless powers that she could hardly control now.  “I remember when you loved me.  I remember when you were dying and all I could do was cry.  This place was my escape.  This is where I would run to when I could not stand the world.  I have not changed.”

“That’s a different time.  I was a fool for loving someone as weak as you.”

As many times as she’d come close to death.  This was when she wanted it the most.  The tears that burned her eyes were not from his words but from her own stupidity.  “I should have stopped you.  I should have never come back here.  I should have-”  There was a change in the air.  Something was pulling them in.  

“Bickering and fighting.  Mage and Templars.  Always so angry”, the thick voice came from all around them.  

“Another demon”, she breathed.  “Is there nothing pleasant in this place?”  

“Now is not the time for this.  That is a sloth demon.  The one that imprisoned you”, Wynne brandished her staff.  Something Kitsune had only seen during lessons.  Was her old mentor truly capable of hurting a demon of the Fade?

“We kill it and we get out of here?”, Alistair questioned.  

“That’s usually how this sort of thing works”, Cullen answered.  

“Then we fight!”, Leliana drew her bow.  

“There’s an energy in you mage.”  The demon that she saw in the library was towering over her.  “You are strong and yet so lost.”

Her brow twitched.  “I am not as lost as you think I am”, she smirked and let the raw power, strength, overflow.  Thundering clouds, a chilling wind, she pulled this magic from all around her.  Being here did things to her.  Being angry, and remorseful did things to her.  She could do this alone.  She didn’t need their help.  

The storm swirled around the demon, engulfing it, surrounding it in fog.  Cracks of thunder and flashes blue lightning.  “Mages with this much power should be worshipped”, the voice bellowed from the clouds.  

“No.  We should be kept in a cage.”  There was a finally burst, loud and violent.  Lightning struck what the ice had froze.  She could feel weight coming back to her.  They were leaving the Fade.  

 

In the library there was no trace of the demon.  The five of them sat up simultaneously.     

“Is everyone alright?”, Wynne called.  

They grumbled and dusted themselves off.

“Good.  We have to find the First Enchanter.”

They ran to the Harrowing Chamber.  Whatever evils await them in there made Kitsune jittery with anticipation.  She wanted to kill something, itching for destruction.  That sloth demon wasn’t enough.  

“The door must be barred from the other side”, Cullen rammed his shoulder against it again.  

“Maybe we can break it down together”, Alistair offered his help.  They charged the door in unison, thrice before they gave up.  

“Move aside, boys.”  Wynne’s staff glowed an earthy tone.  The Stonefist spell cracked the door enough for the two men to break through it.  

She shouldn’t have been shocked.  

“First Enchanter?”, Kitsune ran into the room.  The last time she’d been in here she was doing her own Harrowing.  Cullen had stood there, with Greagoir and Irving, waiting for her to come out of the Fade.  Successful or not.  “First Enchanter?”

In the center of the room there was no response.  But he was in here, he had to be.  “Irving?”, Wynne called out. 

“I have an awful feeling about this.”  Leliana had an arrow drawn, turning in small circles.  “The air in here is too thick.”

It was familiar.  It felt like Blood Magic.  “You should leave.”

“We’re not leaving”, Cullen cut her a glance from above his shield.  

“I do not want you to get hurt!  You should leave!”

“We’re not leaving”, Alistair repeated.  

_ Fine, but when you get hurt, I wil not be blamed. _  She growled her frustration.  Not even Leliana and Wynne heeded her warning.  Warm light washed over her.

“I’ve put up a defense around us.  We’ll be alright”, Wynne smiled and she wondered if she believed it.  

A bookshelf leaned, falling toward her with no sign of stopping.  Cullen forced her out of the way with his shield.  Dazed for a second he helped her to her feet.  “Had we left you would’ve been crushed.”

She had a retort.  Hot on the tip of her tongue.  All words were frightened away.  

Athame in one hand.  The other on Irving’s throat.  A Senior Enchanter she had only seen a few times, stood ready to strike 

“Uldred?”, Wynne’s tone was hushed.  

“Ah, Wynne!  I thought you were dead!”, his voice was sinister, distorted.  

“He’s an abomination”, Cullen concluded.  “He must be what’s corrupting the others in the tower.”

_ The other’s you struck down without a second thought. _  “Let the First Enchanter go!”  She wouldn’t be afraid of him.  Abomination or not.  

“I can’t do that, child.  I need him.  I need his blood.”

That’s why this was a familiar feeling.  Blood magic.  “I’ll strike you down, demon.”

“Oh the would-be Templar.  I see you’ve come back after killing your Knight-Commander”, Uldred released Irving, who was now very noticeably unconscious.  

“Shut your mouth”, Cullen threatened.  

“What’s wrong boy?  You can’t accept the pain you’ve caused.  The nightmare you’ve created.  Can’t you hear it?  How her screams echoed.  How you begged and begged.  He forced your hand, didn’t he?”

He was shaking.  Was it anger or fear? 

“Enough!  Leave him out of this!”, Kitsune came closer to him, stepping over the mess of books.  “Your problem is with the Mages.  You want us!  Try to take us.”

Rumbling laughter chilled her.  He pointed the dagger at her as he spoke, “You’re trying to be brave.  You’re trying to prove that you can resist temptation.  You can’t.  You’ve always been impressionable.  Easy to control.”

She closed her hand around the blade, steel cut into her flesh.  “Kitsune!”  Alistair knew just what she was going to do.  

What was the use in trying to save face?  She’d already lost them both.  Why not give it all she had.  “I cannot fight you on my own.  I cannot win without using your own tricks against you.”

“Then you are not as stupid as you look.”

Demons.  They came from the floor, breaking through to the real world as if there was no barrier to begin with.  She was separated from the rest of them.  She heard their voices, their metal, spells, and arrows.  Uldred was hers.  He may have had the demons on his side but she had all of her regrets to fuel her.  

The blood in her palm burned.  It bubbled with energy that was not hers.  It spread through her.  Arms, chest, even down to her heels.  It was a crippling, searing, pain.  Her jaw was locked, she couldn’t move, couldn’t scream.  “You think you know how to control this?”, Uldred cackled.  “You have no talent in this form of magic, mage!”, he picked her up by the hair.  “But I can teach you”, he whispered.  “I can give you the knowledge, the power to destroy any being that challenges you.”

The pain was subsiding.  “Even you?”

He smirked and pushed her face into the cool stone.  “Even I.  All you have to do is let me in.”  

Kitsune could see them fighting.  Even Wynne was keeping everyone protected.  Cullen and Alistair were fighting, side by side.  Clearing demon after demon.  Leliana provided them with cover.  And here she was, lying with her face against the stone.  “I do not want to be like you.  A puppet!”, she grumbled into the floor.  “I do not need blood to kill you.”  

On her feet before he could react she disarmed him with the butt of her staff.  The dagger clattered to the floor.  Lightning buzzed at the head of her staff, she had it aimed for his throat.  

“Kill me.  Your precious home is destroyed.  You will never get it back”, Uldred cocked a smile.  

“Good thing this place has never felt like home.”  Her staff met his chest.  The smell of singed hair and flesh assaulted her.  His screams, she was sure, could be heard in every part of the tower.  He lie unmoving.  She retrieved that dagger and put it through his heart for good measure.  

Silence fell over the room.  

“Blood Magic?!”, Cullen screamed when he reached her.  “Are you daft?”

Silence.  

He snatched her wrist and put her own bloody hand in her face.  “This is forbidden!  This, caused _ all _ of this!”, he gestured to the ruined Harrowing Chamber.  “You’re one of them!  Do you understand what that means?  Do you understand that you are a Maleficar?”

“Then strike me down!  Like you did to the others!  I am just like them, right?”

He snarled and threw her wrist down.  His sword was pointed at her gut before she could blink.  “I should.  I should kill you.  You’re just a walking Abomination.”

She watched the tremors in the blade.  His hands were unsteady.  “I deserve it, right?  I am just like them.”  His knuckles and fingers collided with her face, sending her to the ground.  

“Get out of the tower.  If I see you again, I will not hesitate.”

That had to be a lie.  He couldn’t mean that.  This was the same man, wasn’t it?.  The one she fought so hard to save.  The one she was so willing to risk everything for.  The one she’d lost so much for.  “I remember when I asked you if this was love”, she spat blood at his feet.  

“I told you to stop me.”

“Do not pretend that was meant as a warning!  Do not pretend like this was all me!  You are just as guilty, Cullen.”  She smacked his sword away with her staff.

“You have this idea of me!  You think that I loved you but, I didn’t!  How could I love a monster like you?”

She was seething.  Anger and betrayal.  Why did she come back to the tower?  “I am not leaving until I speak with Irving.”  

“Take her back to Meredith”, he spoke to Leliana and Alistair.  “Wynne, help me with the First Enchanter.”  

Not another word between them.  She wanted to say goodbye, with her fist in his mouth.  

 

Irving had come to after some healing from Wynne.  Uldred had yet to do any true damage to him.  Kitsune was happy to see him.  He seemed happier to see her.  They talked of Redcliffe, he agreed to send Lyrium.  They talked of conscripting mages.  Though now was hardly the time, they still had a blight to end.  “Kitsune”, Irving had said.  “Be safe.  I would never forgive myself if something happened to you.”  

“Always”, she smiled as she left him again.  

They’d stocked up on supplies and though she fought against it, Wynne insisted on coming with them.  

“I do not know what to say”, she finally spoke to Alistair when they were on the road.  Lake Calenhad was now far behind them.  “I feel like everything I say will only make things worse.”

“There’s nothing to say”, he offered a defeated grin.  

“Is  _ this _ possible?”

“I don’t think so”, he made a choking noise.  “You know, for so long I thought I wanted to be him.  I thought I wanted to be the one you looked at with that shimmer in your eye.”

“Who could love a monster like me, Alistair?”

“You’re not a monster.  And I do love you.  I just know I’m not the one you love.”

No matter what she said, there was no way to tell him he was wrong.  It was possible to love them both but, he could never see it that way.  “I am weak.”

“No you’re not.”

“Weakness is succumbing to demons.”

“And strength is admitting when you are weak.”  The back of his hand grazed hers.  “I’ll never leave you.  I don’t think I could, really.  The thought’s never even crossed my mind.”

“That means more to me than you know”, tears stung her eyes.  _  I’ll never leave you but I’ll never be with you.   _ She couldn’t tell him how much it hurt her.  

“Stop!”, Alistair whispered.  She heard it too.  The faintest of rustling.     __

Caught off guard, there were blades at everyone’s throats.  She looked up at her captor.  An elven woman, a few inches taller than her held the metal to her skin.  “Easy to find”, she spoke to her companions.  

“Not easy to kill.”  Kitsune watched as Alistair used his weight to knock the one holding him down.  “You’re assassins”, he concluded.    

“I do love a challenge”, another voice came.  Their eyes met.  “It will be a shame, having to kill such a beauty.”  His blades moved fast in his hands.  “It’s hard to believe you are the one we’re supposed to kill.”

“You talk too much, Zevran”, the woman holding Kitsune groaned.  “Our job is to kill them not, flirt.”  Her knee dug into her back and pushed her forward.  “Huh, you’re right though.  She’s quite the looker.  What’s with the eye patch?” 

“And I get scolded for flirting?”, the elf she assumed to be Zevran chuckled.  

“Who hired you?”, Alistair withdrew his sword from the man that tried to subdue him.

Muscles twitched in Zevran’s face.  “Does it matter?  Someone wants you dead.  They paid me the coin to do it.”  

Alistair’s stance suggested he wasn’t going to let that happen.  

“Lesson one of the being an assassin, Nina”, Zevran turned his blades over in his hands.  “Speed beats muscle.”    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be continuing this story soon. The Mage and the Templars is over but this is the start of the Mage and The Rogue. Thank you so much for reading!


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